laislica Posted December 17, 2016 Share Posted December 17, 2016 Well I thought it was funny!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laislica Posted December 17, 2016 Share Posted December 17, 2016 A plane was flying at 15000 feet when it developed engine trouble, the pilot said to the 4 passengers , the pope, NBA basketball player, Donald Trump and a 10 year old schoolboy use the parachutes that are available The NBA basketball player said he was needed so he took the 1st parachute, Donald Trump took the second one and jumped which left the pope and the 10 year old boy. The pope said to the boy you take the 3rd parachute as I am the pope and a new pope can be elected, the 10 year old boy said oh it's okay pope you can have the 3rd parachute as Donald Trump put my school satchel on 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laislica Posted December 17, 2016 Share Posted December 17, 2016 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laislica Posted December 17, 2016 Share Posted December 17, 2016 I bought I crate load of prunes - got a good run for my money Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laislica Posted December 17, 2016 Share Posted December 17, 2016 A wig shop was broken in to last night; police are combing the area for clues. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shunter Posted December 17, 2016 Share Posted December 17, 2016 Three Jews who had recently converted to Christianity were having a drink together in a posh restaurant. They started talking about the reasons for their conversions.“I converted out of love,” said the first, “Not for Christianity, but for a Christian girl. As you both know, my wife insisted that I convert.”“And I, said the second, “I converted in order to rise in the legal system. You probably know that my recent appointment as a federal judge may have had something to do with my new religion.”The third man spoke up: “I converted because I think that the teachings of Christianity are superior to those of Judaism.”“Are you kidding?” said the first man, spitting out his drink.“What do you take us for, a couple of goyim?” 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laislica Posted December 17, 2016 Share Posted December 17, 2016 21 minutes ago, shunter said: Three Jews who had recently converted to Christianity were having a drink together in a posh restaurant. They started talking about the reasons for their conversions.“I converted out of love,” said the first, “Not for Christianity, but for a Christian girl. As you both know, my wife insisted that I convert.”“And I, said the second, “I converted in order to rise in the legal system. You probably know that my recent appointment as a federal judge may have had something to do with my new religion.”The third man spoke up: “I converted because I think that the teachings of Christianity are superior to those of Judaism.”“Are you kidding?” said the first man, spitting out his drink.“What do you take us for, a couple of goyim?” I haven't mastered Hebrew yet so it would be great if you could explain what this is all about please. A dictionary says: goyim 1. A Hebrew word used in the Jewish Scriptures (a.k.a. the Old Testament). The word literally means "nations," and is always used within these scriptures to refer to the nations of the world. Significantly, within the Old Testament, Judah (the Jewish nation) itself is called a "goy." 2. In the Old Testament, the Jews were called to be a nation separate from the other nations, which were all Pagan. And so, colloquially, all non-Jewish nations came to be called "goyim" as in "the nations" from which the God of the Old Testament had called upon the Jews to separate themselves. 3. A word used by some Jews to refer to Gentiles (non-Jews). The word can have derogatory connotations, such as the word "black" when used to refer to a persons of African descent. It can be neutral or negative depending on the context and the intent of the speaker. but I guess use No. 3 ? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shunter Posted December 17, 2016 Share Posted December 17, 2016 Correct it is number three. and as a follow up or reserve comment number two is totally applicable to the issue 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laislica Posted December 17, 2016 Share Posted December 17, 2016 I rang the nuisance calls helpline, and they said not you again. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laislica Posted December 17, 2016 Share Posted December 17, 2016 It's the Annual general meeting of "The rolled up Newspaper Society" tonight, would love to be a fly on the wall in there................... no wait a minute 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
White Christmas13 Posted December 17, 2016 Share Posted December 17, 2016 Q: Why don't Mexicans like to barbecue? A: Because the beans fall through the grill. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
White Christmas13 Posted December 17, 2016 Share Posted December 17, 2016 Q: What do you call a cow with two legs? A: Lean beef. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
White Christmas13 Posted December 17, 2016 Share Posted December 17, 2016 Q: Have you heard about McDonald’s new Donald Trumps Value Meal? A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottiejohn Posted December 18, 2016 Share Posted December 18, 2016 Was he behind a wall, or in a Wallmat when it said it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post White Christmas13 Posted December 18, 2016 Popular Post Share Posted December 18, 2016 A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant. And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant. 3 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
White Christmas13 Posted December 18, 2016 Share Posted December 18, 2016 Q: What do you call a baptized Mexican? A: Bean dip. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
White Christmas13 Posted December 18, 2016 Share Posted December 18, 2016 Q: Why can't you tell an egg a joke? A: Because it will crack up. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laislica Posted December 19, 2016 Share Posted December 19, 2016 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post laislica Posted December 19, 2016 Popular Post Share Posted December 19, 2016 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
White Christmas13 Posted December 19, 2016 Share Posted December 19, 2016 Who says airline food is boring this is a pic of a meal at Qantas at business class 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post chickenslegs Posted December 19, 2016 Popular Post Share Posted December 19, 2016 4 hours ago, White Christmas13 said: Who says airline food is boring this is a pic of a meal at Qantas at business class coq au vin? 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Crossy Posted December 21, 2016 Popular Post Share Posted December 21, 2016 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post White Christmas13 Posted December 21, 2016 Popular Post Share Posted December 21, 2016 Owning a new pet fish Pat: Hey, Chris! How's your new pet fish doing? You told me he was really something special. Chris: To tell you the truth, I'm really disappointed in him. The guy who sold him to me said I could teach him to sing like a bird. Pat: You bought a fish because you thought you could teach him to sing like a bird? I can't believe it! Chris: Well, yeah. After all, he's a parrot fish. Pat: I hate to tell you this, Chris, but while you might be able to teach a parrot bird to sing, you're never going to get anywhere with a parrot fish. Chris: That's what you think! He can sing all right. The thing is, he keeps singing off-key. It's driving me crazy. Do you know how hard it is to tuna fish? 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
White Christmas13 Posted December 21, 2016 Share Posted December 21, 2016 A horse breeder story This Kentucky horse breeder had a filly that won every race in which she was entered. But as she got older she became very temperamental. He soon found that when he raced her in the evening, she would win handily, but when she raced during the day she would come in dead last. He consulted the top veterinarians and horse psychologists to no avail. He finally had to give up because it had become a real night mare. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laislica Posted December 21, 2016 Share Posted December 21, 2016 ^^^Excellent Groan factors LOL 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JB300 Posted December 22, 2016 Share Posted December 22, 2016 From the Edinburgh Fringe Festival sometime back (just found them whilst clearing down old emails)...My dad has suggested that I register for a donor card. He's a man after my own heartWhy is it old people say there's no place like home, yet when you put them in one…I've been happily married for four years - out of a total of 10Apparently 1 in 3 Britons are conceived in an IKEA bed which is mad because those places are really well litI went to a pub quiz in Liverpool, had a few drinks so wasn't much use. Just for a laugh I wrote The Beatles or Steven Gerrard for every answer… came secondBrexit is a terrible name, sounds like cereal you eat when you are constipatedI often confuse Americans and Canadians. By using long wordsWhy is Henry's wife covered in tooth marks? Because he's TudorDon't you hate it when people assume you're rich because you sound posh and went to private school and have loads of money?Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy, I hear you askHillary Clinton has shown that any woman can be President, as long as your husband did it firstI spotted a Marmite van on the motorway. It was heading yeastboundBack in the day, Instagram just meant a really efficient drug dealerI'll tell you what's unnatural in the eyes of God. Contact lensesElton John hates ordering Chinese food. Soya seems to be the hardest word Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
White Christmas13 Posted December 22, 2016 Share Posted December 22, 2016 Try to grow chickens A New York City yuppie moved to the country and bought a piece of land. He went to the local feed and livestock store and talked to the proprietor about how he was going to take up chicken farming. He then asked to buy 100 chicks. "That's a lot of chicks," commented the proprietor. "I mean business," the city slicker replied. A week later the yuppie was back again. "I need another 100 chicks," he said. "Boy, you are serious about this chicken farming," the man told him. "Yeah," the yuppie replied. "If I can iron out a few problems." "Problems?" asked the proprietor. "Yeah," replied the yuppie, "I think I planted that last batch too close together." 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
White Christmas13 Posted December 22, 2016 Share Posted December 22, 2016 Amazing talking cow A man's car stalled on a country road one morning. When the man got out to fix it, a cow came along and stopped beside him. "Your trouble is probably in the carburetor," said the cow. Startled, the man jumped back and ran down the road until he met a farmer. The amazed man told the farmer his story. "Was it a large red cow with a brown spot over the right eye?" asked the farmer. "Yes, yes," the man replied. "Oh! I wouldn't listen to Bessie," said the farmer. "She doesn't know a thing about cars." 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post White Christmas13 Posted December 22, 2016 Popular Post Share Posted December 22, 2016 Winning Nobel prize A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing. The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?" The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize." "How?" asks the man, puzzled. "Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize . . . to people who are out standing in their field." 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laislica Posted December 23, 2016 Share Posted December 23, 2016 ^^^Excellent Groan factors LOL 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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