I bought I crate load of prunes
- got a good run for my money

A wig shop was broken in to last night;

police are combing the area for clues.

Three Jews who had recently converted to Christianity were having a drink together in a posh restaurant. They started talking about the reasons for their conversions.
“I converted out of love,” said the first, “Not for Christianity, but for a Christian girl. As you both know, my wife insisted that I convert.”
“And I, said the second, “I converted in order to rise in the legal system. You probably know that my recent appointment as a federal judge may have had something to do with my new religion.”
The third man spoke up: “I converted because I think that the teachings of Christianity are superior to those of Judaism.”
“Are you kidding?” said the first man, spitting out his drink.
“What do you take us for, a couple of goyim?”

21 minutes ago, shunter said:

Three Jews who had recently converted to Christianity were having a drink together in a posh restaurant. They started talking about the reasons for their conversions.
“I converted out of love,” said the first, “Not for Christianity, but for a Christian girl. As you both know, my wife insisted that I convert.”
“And I, said the second, “I converted in order to rise in the legal system. You probably know that my recent appointment as a federal judge may have had something to do with my new religion.”
The third man spoke up: “I converted because I think that the teachings of Christianity are superior to those of Judaism.”
“Are you kidding?” said the first man, spitting out his drink.
“What do you take us for, a couple of goyim?”

 

I haven't mastered Hebrew yet so it would be great if you could explain what this is all about please.

A dictionary says:

goyim

1. A Hebrew word used in the Jewish Scriptures (a.k.a. the Old Testament). The word literally means "nations," and is always used within these scriptures to refer to the nations of the world. Significantly, within the Old Testament, Judah (the Jewish nation) itself is called a "goy."
2. In the Old Testament, the Jews were called to be a nation separate from the other nations, which were all Pagan. And so, colloquially, all non-Jewish nations came to be called "goyim" as in "the nations" from which the God of the Old Testament had called upon the Jews to separate themselves.
3. A word used by some Jews to refer to Gentiles (non-Jews). The word can have derogatory connotations, such as the word "black" when used to refer to a persons of African descent. It can be neutral or negative depending on the context and the intent of the speaker.

 

but I guess use No. 3 ?

Correct it is number three. and as a follow up or reserve comment number two is totally applicable to the issue 

I rang the nuisance calls helpline, and they said not you again.

It's the Annual general meeting of "The rolled up Newspaper Society" tonight,

would love to be a fly on the wall in there...................

no wait a minute

Q: Why don't Mexicans like to barbecue?
A: Because the beans fall through the grill.

Q: What do you call a cow with two legs?
A: Lean beef.

Q: Have you heard about McDonald’s new Donald Trumps Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.

Was he behind a wall, or in a Wallmat when it said it?

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant. And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

Q: What do you call a baptized Mexican?
A: Bean dip.

 

Q: Why can't you tell an egg a joke?
A: Because it will crack up.

 

Who says airline food is boring  this is a pic of a meal at

Qantas at business class

 

 

4 hours ago, White Christmas13 said:

Who says airline food is boring  this is a pic of a meal at

Qantas at business class

 

 

 

coq au vin?

Owning a new pet fish

Pat: Hey, Chris! How's your new pet fish doing? You told me he was really something special.

Chris: To tell you the truth, I'm really disappointed in him. The guy who sold him to me said I could teach him to sing like a bird.

Pat: You bought a fish because you thought you could teach him to sing like a bird? I can't believe it!

Chris: Well, yeah. After all, he's a parrot fish.

Pat: I hate to tell you this, Chris, but while you might be able to teach a parrot bird to sing, you're never going to get anywhere with a parrot fish.

Chris: That's what you think! He can sing all right. The thing is, he keeps singing off-key. It's driving me crazy. Do you know how hard it is to tuna fish?

A horse breeder story

This Kentucky horse breeder had a filly that won every race in which she was entered. But as she got older she became very temperamental. He soon found that when he raced her in the evening, she would win handily, but when she raced during the day she would come in dead last. He consulted the top veterinarians and horse psychologists to no avail. He finally had to give up because it had become a real night mare.

^^^Excellent Groan factors LOL

 

From the Edinburgh Fringe Festival sometime back (just found them whilst clearing down old emails)...

My dad has suggested that I register for a donor card. He's a man after my own heart

Why is it old people say there's no place like home, yet when you put them in one…

I've been happily married for four years - out of a total of 10

Apparently 1 in 3 Britons are conceived in an IKEA bed which is mad because those places are really well lit

I went to a pub quiz in Liverpool, had a few drinks so wasn't much use. Just for a laugh I wrote The Beatles or Steven Gerrard for every answer… came second

Brexit is a terrible name, sounds like cereal you eat when you are constipated

I often confuse Americans and Canadians. By using long words

Why is Henry's wife covered in tooth marks? Because he's Tudor

Don't you hate it when people assume you're rich because you sound posh and went to private school and have loads of money?

Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy, I hear you ask

Hillary Clinton has shown that any woman can be President, as long as your husband did it first

I spotted a Marmite van on the motorway. It was heading yeastbound

Back in the day, Instagram just meant a really efficient drug dealer

I'll tell you what's unnatural in the eyes of God. Contact lenses

Elton John hates ordering Chinese food. Soya seems to be the hardest word

Try to grow chickens

A New York City yuppie moved to the country and bought a piece of land. He went to the local feed and livestock store and talked to the proprietor about how he was going to take up chicken farming. He then asked to buy 100 chicks.

"That's a lot of chicks," commented the proprietor. "I mean business," the city slicker replied.

A week later the yuppie was back again. "I need another 100 chicks," he said. "Boy, you are serious about this chicken farming," the man told him.

"Yeah," the yuppie replied. "If I can iron out a few problems." "Problems?" asked the proprietor. "Yeah," replied the yuppie, "I think I planted that last batch too close together."

Amazing talking cow

A man's car stalled on a country road one morning. When the man got out to fix it, a cow came along and stopped beside him. "Your trouble is probably in the carburetor," said the cow.

Startled, the man jumped back and ran down the road until he met a farmer. The amazed man told the farmer his story.

"Was it a large red cow with a brown spot over the right eye?" asked the farmer. "Yes, yes," the man replied.

"Oh! I wouldn't listen to Bessie," said the farmer. "She doesn't know a thing about cars."

Winning Nobel prize

A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.

The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"

The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."

"How?" asks the man, puzzled.

"Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize . . . to people who are out standing in their field."

^^^Excellent Groan factors LOL

 

Sales of ‘any old shit’ expected to treble as men start Christmas shopping

The sale of presents being purchased using no thought or imagination is expected to see a huge increase today as men suddenly start to realise it’s Christmas.

The sight of exasperated men staring blankly at kettles and uttering the words “Christ, it’s just going to have to bloody well do” are commonplace at this time of year, but with figures from previous years suggesting that 80% of men leave their Christmas shopping until the very last minute, retailers are predicting bumper sales of all the crap they can’t normally shift.

“The queues at checkouts at this time of year are predominantly made up of men carry an array of monstrosities that are likely to leave their wives and girlfriends hugely disappointed,” revealed Stephen Robertson of the British Retail Consortium.

“Retailers have been working hard to encourage men into their stores by piling up all the items that make women angry, and placing them in a section called ‘Gifts She’ll Love!

“They’ll be hoping that heavy discounts combined with mens’ overall stupidity could see a late surge in sales that will surpass previous years,” he added.

Christmas shopping

32-year-old Gavin Henderson from Gillingham was one of millions of men heading towards the High Street to buy lots of anything that’s still left over.

“Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit,” he told us as we stopped him on his way out of the nearest shopping centre.

“Do you think she’ll like this Complete RoboCop Dvd Box set? It’s got the director’s commentary as a bonus feature.

“Christ, it’s just going to have to bloody well do.”

Santa could be barred from delivering in the UK after Brexit

Changes to Britain’s immigration system after it leaves the European Union may stop Santa Claus from making his annual festive flying visit, it has emerged.

Santa currently uses European freedom of movement rights to fly his sleigh from Lapland into British skies to conduct his annual delivery business.

However, with Britain leaving the EU, the jolly old man is likely to face the same immigration curbs as other Laplanders in future.

Work permits are expected to be introduced, and legal experts warn that the tradition of parents providing a glass of sherry and a mince pie in return for Santa leaving presents by the fireplace constitutes an informal work arrangement – thereby making it impossible for the iconic figure to gain permission to enter the country without the correct paperwork.

Any attempt to make deliveries without permission from the immigration authorities could see Santa arrested, according to legal experts.

UKIP leader Nigel Farage said, “This is just another example of a foreigner coming over here taking the job of a decent hardworking indigenous British national who could easily spend the night delivering presents instead.

“I’ll be delighted to see the end of it.”

In a further complication, the government is believed to favour including reindeer in its annual immigration target.

Theresa May is believed to favour a quota of four reindeer per year for the whole country, which friends of Santa say would make the job of pulling his present-laden sleigh close to impossible.

The issue has been raised at cabinet level, with one minister said to have raised concerns that millions of children may be disappointed, only to have been drowned out by shouts of “bah humbug!”

Meanwhile, the Sun is investigating claims that hundreds of Laplanders are cheating immigration controls by masquerading as Santa in shopping centres across the country.

It has published images it claims to be the real Santa supervising elves back in Lapland in the run up to Christmas while the fake Santas pose for photos with unsuspecting children.