Worst Joke Ever

[Ron19]

To Be 8 again!

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was
looking at herself in the mirror.

Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.

'I'd like to be eight again', she replied, still looking in the mirror ..

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day!

He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.

Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favourite candy, M&M's.

What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.







'I meant my dress size, you idiot !!!!'

Edited April 20, 2016 by Ron19

[Ron19]

Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
the autopsy?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
law somewhere."

[Wilsonandson]

A Dog Named Sex

By Morty Storm

Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy." I call mine "Sex." He's a great pal, but he has caused me a great deal of embarrassment.

When I went to city hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I'd like one too!"

Then, I said, "But this is a dog." He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then, I said, "You don't understand, I've had Sex since I was 9 years old." He winked and said, "You must have been quite a kid."

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex.

He said, "You don't need a special room. As long as you pay your bill, we don't care what you do." I said, "Look, you don't seem to understand. Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Funny -- I have the same problem."

One day, I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there, looking disappointed. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me I should have sold my own tickets. "But you don't understand," I said, "I had hoped to have Sex on TV." He said, "Now that cable is all over the place, it's no big deal anymore."

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your honor, I had Sex before I was married." The judge said, "The courtroom isn't a confessional. Stick to the case, please."

Then, I told him that after I was married, Sex left me. He said, "Me too."

Last night, Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in this alley at 4 o'clock in the morning?" I told him that I was looking for Sex. My case comes up Friday.

[laislica]

[Ron19]

I was invited to a party and was told "dress to kill"...

...apparently a turban, beard, and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

[laislica]

[laislica]

And a few for our Pilots....

The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you.'

Airman, maintain thy air speed lest the earth rise up and smite thee!

'There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.'

Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
'If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.'

'You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.'

As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives

; the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks, 'What happened?'

The pilot's reply: 'I don't know, I just got here myself!'

[laislica]

Edited April 22, 2016 by laislica

[White Christmas13]

The HMRC has returned the Tax Return to a man in Evesham after he apparently answered one of the questions incorrectly. In response to the question " Do you have anyone dependent on you, the man wrote - 3.1 million illegal immigrants, 500,000 Romany Gypsies, 1.1 million crackheads, 4.4 million unemployable Jeremy Kyle scroungers, 900,000 criminals in over 85 prisons, plus 650 idiots in Parliament and the whole of the European Commission. The HMRC stated that the response was unacceptable. The man's response back to the HMRC was "Who did I miss out"

[White Christmas13]

Q: Why can't you trust an atom?

A: Because they make up everything.

[White Christmas13]

This crazy guy walks into a restaurant and tells the waiter, “Lemme get a cheeseburger, not too rare, not too well done, but right in the groove. Lemme get some fries, not too crispy, not too burnt, but right in the groove. And while you’re at it, throw in a shake, not too thin, not too thick, but right in groove.” The waiter took down the order and came back five minutes later and told the man, “The cook said you can kiss his ass, not to the left, not to the right, but right in the groove.”

[White Christmas13]

Q: How do you make holy water?

A: Boil the hell out of it.

[White Christmas13]

[White Christmas13]

[White Christmas13]

Q: What starts with F and ends with U-C-K?

A: Firetruck.

[Rob13]

^worst joke ever.

While her husband was at work, a blonde decided to paint their living room.

After her husband arrives home, he finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat while wearing a parka and a mink. He asked her what she was doing.

She said, "I wanted to prove to you that not all blonde women are dumb, and I wanted to do it by painting the living room."

He says that he was impressed at the good job she had done, but asked, "Why are you wearing two coats?

She replied, "I read the directions on the paint can, and they said, ''For best results, put on two coats!'"

Edited April 22, 2016 by Rob13

[Ron19]

A lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 70th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice luxurious hotel..

When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00. She demanded to know why the charge was so high "I agree it's a nice hotel, but the rooms aren't worth $250..00 for just an overnight stay - I didn't even have breakfast!"

The clerk told her that $250.00 is the 'standard rate,' and breakfast had been included had she wanted it.

She insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: "This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use." "But I didn't use them." ''Well, they are here, and you could have."

He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which they were so famous.

"We have the best entertainers from all over the world performing here."

"But I didn't go to any of those shows.." She Pleaded.

"Well, we have them, and you could have." was the reply.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied,

"But I didn't use it!" and the Manager countered with his

standard response.

After several minutes discussion, and with the Manager still unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to him.

The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check.

"But Madam, this check is for only $50.00" "That's correct" she replied "I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me."

"But I didn't sleep with you madam!" said the manager

"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."

[loong]

My mate proudly announced that he had received his 1 year sober pin.

I was really pleased for him, so I took him down the pub to celebrate.

[laislica]

[laislica]

[Ron19]

Three elderly women are talking about their troubles.

“Sixty is the worst age to be,” said Ruth, the 60-year-old, “You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time nothing happens.”

“Ah, that’s nothing,” said the 70-year-old, Maxine. “When you’re 70, you don’t have a bowel movement anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothing happens.”

“Actually,” said Gilda, the 80-year-old, “Eighty is the worst age of all.”

“Do you have trouble peeing too?” asked Ruth.

“No, I pee every morning at 6 a.m. I pee like a racehorse; no problem at all.”

“Do you have trouble with your bowel movements?” Maxine questioned.

“No, I have one every morning at 6:30 a.m,” Gilda responded.

Puzzled with this, Ruth said, “Let’s get this straight. You pee every morning at 6 a.m. and poop every morning at 6:30 a.m. So what’s so tough about being 80?”

“I don’t wake up until 7.”

[Wilsonandson]

Dog talk

[laislica]

When I was a kid, my parents would always say "Excuse my French" just after a swear word.

I'll never forget that first day at school when my teacher asked if any of us knew any French.

[laislica]

I don't understand all the hype about Carlsberg being the "Best lager in the world?"
I found a half a can on the wall outside my house this morning and it tasted like piss!

[laislica]

[laislica]

My wife just ran off with my new best friend.

I have not met him yet, but I can't wait to shake his hand.

[laislica]

My wife said she's leaving me to go and live with her mum in Australia because I

make a song and dance about everything.

She's leaving on a jet plane don't know when she'll be back again.

[laislica]

That settles it, I'm never going back to Yorkshire again.

I went into the local department store and asked where I could find towels,

and they gave me directions to the bird sanctuary.

For all our non Yorkshire friends t'owls, the owls?

Oh come on, give me a break!

[laislica]

[Rob13]

A Pollack walked into a bar and sat down at the bar, where a news report was on TV.

On the news a man was on a ledge outside an upper floor of a building threatening to jump. The bartender, who'd seen the news report before said, "I'll bet you $50 he's going to jump."

The Pollack took the bet and put down a $50 bill on the bar. Then the man on the ledge jumped to his death.

The bartender picked up the $50 bill but then, realizing that he'd taken advantage of a poor, dumb Pollack, his conscience got the better of him and he said, "Look, I'm going to give you back your money. I have to confess that I saw that news report before."

"That's O.K.," said the Pollack, "I saw it before too, but I didn't think he was gonna do it again!"