Worst Joke Ever

[bino]

What do you call a blonde in a tree with a briefcase?

Branch Manager.

How do you get a blonde with only one arm out of a tree?

Wave to her.

[sunshine51]

What do you call a blonde in a tree with a briefcase?

Branch Manager.

How do you get a blonde with only one arm out of a tree?

Wave to her.

I was gonna say...have a wee on the tree!

[sunshine51]

A guy walks in to a bar with his dog he puts the dog on the bar and

says to the bartender, "This is the smartest dog in the world. I bet

five dollars that you can ask him any thing and he will tell you the

right answer."

So the bartender said, "All right. What is 10+11+13."

The dog said, "34." Wow he got it right. So, he handed over the 5

dollar bill.

Then the guy said, "Don't let my dog go anywhere I have to use

the bathroom."

So he hands the dog the 5 dollars to hold while he was in the

bathroom. The bartender and the dog were having a conversation

with each other so the bartender says, "If you're so smart go down

the road and get me a newspaper." So the dog goes out the door

then the guy comes out of the bathroom. He couldn't see his dog

so he asks the bartender where the dog was.

The bartender tells the guy, "The dog went to get me a newspaper."

The guy throws a fit that the bartender let the dog leave. So the guy

goes out to find his dog. He looked all over until he saw his dog in a

alley screwing a poodle. The man says, What are you doing? You have

never done this before."

The dog says, "I have never had 5 dollars before either."

[sunshine51]

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking.

He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely

drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone,

so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way

up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end.

That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty

pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass

carved up his buttocks terribly. But, he was so drunk that he didn't know

he was hurt.

A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he

checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut

up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could

under the circumstances, and he went to bed.

The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting,

and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good

story, when his wife came into the bedroom.

"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?"

"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."

"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied, "You got plastered

last night. Where the heck did you go?"

"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"

"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning

and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."

[sunshine51]

There is this bear, right, and he walks into a bar. He goes up to the

bartender and says "Can I have a large Gin and . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Tonic Please?"

The Barman replies "Yeah sure, but what's with the big pause?"

The bear holds up his paws and says "I'm a bear!!"

[sunshine51]

A man with a wooden eye was sitting at a bar one night. He glanced

across the room and noticed a very attractive woman with just one

flaw, she had a very large nose. He was very self-conscious about

his eye but got up the nerve to ask her for a dance.

"Would you like to dance with me?" he asked.

She replied, "Would I!" and he sneered and told her,"BIG NOSE!"

[sunshine51]

Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives.

"Does your wife ever...well, you know...does she...well, let you

do it doggie style?" asked one of the two.

"Well, not exactly," his friend replied, "She's more into the trick

dog aspect of it."

"Oh, I see. Kinky stuff, huh?"

"Well, not exactly. Whenever I make a move, she's most likely

to roll over and play dead.

[sunshine51]

A guy walked into a bar and sat down next to an extremely

gorgeous woman. The first thing he noticed about her though,

was her pants. They were skin-tight, high-waisted and had no

obvious mechanism (zipper, buttons or velcro) for opening them.

After several minutes of puzzling over how she got the pants up

over her hips, he finally worked up the nerve to ask her.

"Excuse me miss, but how do you get into your pants?" he asks.

"Well," she replied, "You can start by buying me a drink."

[sunshine51]

A guy spots a nice looking girl in a bar goes up and starts

small talk. Seeing that she didn't back off he asked her name.

"Carmen," she replied.

That's a nice name," he said warming up the conversation.

"Who named you, your mother?"

"No, I named myself, she answered.

"Oh, that's interesting. Why Carmen?"

"Because I like cars, and I like men," she said looking directly

into his eyes. "So what's your name?" she asked.

"Beersex."

[sunshine51]

A man walks in to a bar and orders a drink. He looks down

the bar and sees another piss drunk man keep falling off his

stool. The man finishes his drink watching the other man try

to get back up on the stool.

Feeling sorry for the drunk, the man tries to stand him up, but

the drunk keeps falling. The man thinks that this drunk needs

to be taken home, so he finds his address in his wallet. On the

way to his car, the man had to practically carry the drunk man.

After finally finding his house, the man carries the drunk man to

the front door. He rings the doorbell and a lady answers.

"Ma'am, your husband is drunk, so I decided to give him a lift

home."

The woman replies, "Thank you sir, but I have one question...

Where's his wheelchair?"

[sunshine51]

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and

orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the

drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the

bartender to prepare another double martini. After he

finishes it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders

the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender

says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but

you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before

you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a

photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's

time to go home."

Edited September 17, 2012 by sunshine51

[sunshine51]

The Devil walks into a crowded bar. Within seconds the bar

emptied with people running out screaming all over the place,

all except for one old man leaned over the bar. The Devil

wanders across to the old man and says "Do you know who

I am?" The old man took another sip of his beer and answered

"Yep" The Devil stared at the old man and asked "Well aren't

you afraid of me?" The old boy looks the Devil up and down for

a minute and shrugs "I married your sister 40 years ago, why the

hell should I be scared of you?"

[sunshine51]

A guy is at the bar, just staring at his drink, when a big truck

driver steps up next to him, takes the guy's drink, and gulps

it down. The guy starts crying. The truck driver says,

"Come on, man, I was just fuc_king around. Here, I'll buy you

another drink. For Christ sakes, don't cry." The guy says,

"You don't understand. This has been the worst day of my life.

First, I sleep late, and when I get to my office, my boss fires me.

When I get to the parking lot, I find out my car is stolen. I get a

cab home, and when I get there, I remember I left my wallet and

credit cards in my desk at work. The cab driver doesn't believe

me, and kicks my ass. When I finally go in the house, I find my

wife in bed with the gardener. So I come to this bar, and just when

I'm thinking about ending it all, you show up and drink my poison."

[sunshine51]

A drunk walks into a bar, sits down and demands a drink.

"Get out" says the bartender. "I don't serve drunks here".

The drunk staggers out the front door, only to come back

in through the side door. He sits at the bar, bangs his fist

and demands a drink. "I just told you to get out, didn't I?

Now LEAVE!". The drunk gets off his stool, stumbles out

the side door and, comes back inside through the back door.

Once again, he sits at the bar and loudly asks for a drink.

The bartender, now glowing mad, looks at the drunk and

yells "I TOLD YOU, NO DRUNKS ALLOWED, NOW GET

OUT!!!". The drunk looks up at the bartender and slurs...

"How many bars do you work at, anyway?".

[sunshine51]

A man walks up to the bartender and says, "I bet you

$100 dollars that I can stand on your bar and leak into

a jar without spilling a drop."

The bartender laughs and tells him that is it such an

impossible bet, he'll take it. So the man stands up on

the bar, and cheering to his friends in the back, begins

to leak.

He not only misses the jar, but doesn't even get a single

drop in. He pisses all over the bar and floor and over the

bartender. When he is done the bartender is still laughing

and asks the man to give him the hundred bucks. The

man hands over the money and smiles at the bartender.

The bartender asks him what is so funny when he just

obviously lost so badly. The man replies, " I just bet my

friends $1000 that I could leak all over you and your bar

and not only would you not mind, but you would find it

hilariously funny!".

[sunshine51]

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. --Benjamin Franklin

[kevjohn]

After Monday and Tuesday even the calendar says:

W T F !!!

[kevjohn]

My wife and I had words last night. But I didn't get a chance to use mine.

[Thaddeus]

My wife and I had words last night. But I didn't get a chance to use mine.

I'm going to take my wife out tonight........ one clean head-shot should do it.

[kevjohn]

My wife gave me an SUV for my 70th birthday yesterday. Socks, underwear and Viagra!"

[warfie]

A guy spots a nice looking girl in a bar goes up and starts

small talk. Seeing that she didn't back off he asked her name.

"Carmen," she replied.

That's a nice name," he said warming up the conversation.

"Who named you, your mother?"

"No, I named myself, she answered.

"Oh, that's interesting. Why Carmen?"

"Because I like cars, and I like men," she said looking directly

into his eyes. "So what's your name?" she asked.

"Beersex."

When I first heard this one, he said his name was "B.J. Titsnass"

[bino]

How about some black humor? I love good black humor.

What would Elvis be doing if he was alive now?

Scratching on the lid of his coffin!

[TomTao]

One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door.

She was a sorry sight.

Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all matted down..

We felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet.

We didn't know what to call her so we named her 'Pussycat.'

The vet decided to keep her for a day or so.

He said he would let us know when we could come and get her.

My husband (the complainer) said, 'OK, butdon't forget to wash her, she stinks.'

He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him.

My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye.

The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'.

They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another,

with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion.

The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor,

who is located in the same building, next door to the vet.

The GP's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor.

A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive.

He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, 'Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more.

We washed and shaved it, and now she smells like a rose!

Oh, and, by the way, she's pregnant!

God only knows who the father is!'

Then he closed the door.

The silence was deafening.

Now THAT, my friends, is getting even!

Copied and pasted from a veteran's website for the entertainment of all.

Edited September 18, 2012 by TomTao

[TomTao]

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists

found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the

conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more

than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Brit's, in the weeks that followed, an American

archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story

published in the New York Times: "American archaeologists, finding

traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors

already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years

earlier than the British".

One week later, the New Zealand Herald, reported the following:

"After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard in Onerahi, Bill Paku

a self-taught archaeologist and avid Motorhomer reported that he

found absolutely fkcu all. Paku has therefore concluded that 250 years

ago, New Zealand had already gone wireless."

[kevjohn]

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists

found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the

conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more

than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Brit's, in the weeks that followed, an American

archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story

published in the New York Times: "American archaeologists, finding

traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors

already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years

earlier than the British".

One week later, the New Zealand Herald, reported the following:

"After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard in Onerahi, Bill Paku

a self-taught archaeologist and avid Motorhomer reported that he

found absolutely fkcu all. Paku has therefore concluded that 250 years

ago, New Zealand had already gone wireless."

I Like....

[warfie]

A policeman brought four boys before a magistrate.

"They were causing an awful lot of commotion at the zoo, your Honor." the policeman explained.

"Boys," said the judge sternly, "I never like to hear reports of juvenile delinquency. Now I want each of you to tell me your name, and what you were doing wrong."

"My name is George," said the first boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen."

"My name is Pete," said the second boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen."

"My name is Mike," said the third boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen."

"My name is Peanuts!" said the fourth boy.

[Chicog]

I met this bloke in a wheelchair last night, his face was all bashed up. I said "What happened to you?". "Oh, I was in the Paralympics" he replied. "Ah", I said, "Boxing, eh?".

He said "No, the Hurdles".

[kevjohn]

Mildred and Harriet were having a quiet lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery in their golden years.

Mildred said, “I need to be honest with you Harriet, I’m thinking about getting a boob job done.”

Harriet responded, “Oh, that’s nothing Mildred. I’m thinking of having my asshol_e bleached!”

“Whoa!” replied Mildred, "That's insane... I just can’t picture your husband George as a blonde!

[kevjohn]

An Italian grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

"You comma to da front door of the apartmenta. I am inna apartmenta 301. There issa bigga panel atta the front door.

Witha you elbow, you pusha da numba 301. I will buzza you in. Comma inside, the elevator is onna the right.

Get inna and witta you elbow, you pusha numba 3. When you getta out, Imma onna the left.

Witha you elbow, ringa my doorbell."

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?"

"What!!... You betta no be comin here a empty handed?"

[kevjohn]

During his speech at my cousin's graduation, Bill Cosby was making the point that

true wisdom comes not from a classroom but from life.

When he was in college, he said, his class endlessly discussed the question: Is the glass half full or half empty?

So Cosby asked his grandmother the same question.

She had it all figured out: "Depends on whether you're pouring or drinking."