Worst Joke Ever

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

Visiting New York City for a medical convention, a doctor from the University of Utah took the afternoon off to do some shopping. Wandering into a little antiques store, he came across a curious brass sculpture of a rat and inquired as to the price.

 

"I have to tell you the truth," said the proprietor. "I’ve sold that piece twice and it’s been returned twice—so I’ll let you have it for four hundred dollars. It’s very old."

 

The doctor paid and headed out with his purchase in a bag under his arm. Not much later he noticed the shadowy forms of hundreds of live rats scuttling along in the gutters. A little while later the rats had swelled in number to several thousand, and it became evident

they were following the doctor. His astonishment turned to disgust and alarm as the rat pack grew to fill up the whole street, so he picked up speed and headed east. When he reached the river, he chucked the brass rat right in, and to his considerable relief, the horde of rats followed it to a watery death.

 

The next morning the doctor was the very first customer in the antiques store. "No way, buddy, I’m not taking it back a third time," protested the owner.

 

"Relax, I’m not bringing the rat back," soothed the doctor.

 

 

"I just wanted to know . . . do you have a brass lawyer?"

[scottiejohn]

[nikmar]

Fred came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep sleep. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, "You died in your sleep, Fred."
Fred was stunned. "I'm dead..? No,I can't be..! I've got too much to live for. Send me back..!"
St. Peter said, "I'm sorry no can do, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken."
Fred was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground ..
A rooster strolled past. "So, you're the new hen, huh..? How's your first day here..?"
"Not bad"' replied Fred the hen, "but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode...!"
"You're ovulating," explained the rooster. "Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before..?"
"Never," said Fred.
"Well, just relax and let it happen"' says the rooster. "It's no big deal."
He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg..!
He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood.
He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard.....
"Fred, Fred...! for f##k sake wake up..! You've shit the bed...!"

Sent from my SM-J700F using Thailand Forum - Thaivisa mobile app

[riceyummm]

[Daffy D]

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

A man died and went to heaven. After reaching the gates, the man was talking with St. Peter and he asked, "I know I was good during my life, and I really appreciate being brought to heaven, but I’m really curious—what does hell look like?" So St. Peter thought about it a moment and finally said, "I’ll tell you what, I’ll let you see what hell looks like before you are officially entered into heaven. Come with me." And so St. Peter lead the man to an elevator and said, "Take this elevator to the very bottom floor. When the door opens, you will see what hell looks like, but whatever you do, do not get out of the elevator."

 

"Thank you," replied the man, who climbed into the elevator and hit the button for the lowest floor. After nearly an hour waiting in the elevator, the doors opened and the man peered out. Before him was a lifeless frozen wasteland. All the man could see were huge mountains of ice through blankets of snow. Remembering what St. Peter said, the man quickly pushed the button for the top floor, the doors closed and he travelled back up to heaven.

 

After returning to heaven, the man approached St. Peter and said, "I’m ready to enter into heaven now, but before I do, I have just one more question." "Go ahead," replied St. Peter, and so the man asked, "I thought hell would be fire and brimstone, but instead all I saw was snow and ice. Is that what it’s really like?" St. Peter thought about this for a second and finally answered, "Snow and ice, huh?

 

I guess Trump made president after all."

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

A real cheapskate owed a wedding present, and everything in the store seemed way overpriced— until he spotted a lovely porcelain vase which had, unfortunately, been broken into a number of pieces. The storekeeper was delighted to part with the damaged item for a low price, and agreed to ship it to the newlyweds direct from the shop.  The old miser handed over the newlyweds details and left.

 

The next week he was delighted to receive a glowing letter thanking him for his thoughtful gift and how it  was exactly what they would have bought for themselves if only they could afford etc.  The letter continued for a few more paragraphs of the same glowing prose.  The old cheapskate was thinking how clever he had been until he got to the PS at the end of the missive which said;

 

"Thank you, too, for taking such care to wrap each piece so carefully before posting."

 

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the high-society people in town. To show how classy they were, she decided at the very last minute that snails should be served, but all the stores were closed. So, she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails. Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket and walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little farther down the beach. He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn’t it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me?" He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They got to talking, and she invited him back to her apartment a little ways down the beach.

 

"When they got there, they started fooling around. It got so hot and heavy that he was exhausted afterwards and passed out. At six thirty the next morning, he woke up and yelled, "Oh my gosh! My wife’s dinner party! She’ll kill me!!" He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket of snails, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. As he started running up the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. Snails went flying and were all over the stairs. Just then the door opened, and his angry wife was standing there, wondering where he’d been all this time. He looked at the snails scattered on the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said:

 

"Come on, little guys, we’re almost there!"

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

The mother who injected her 8 year-old child with Botox for beauty pageants has lost custody.

Her daughter didn’t look surprised.

　

What do you call an imaginary colour?

A pigment of your imagination.

　

My favourite colour is purple.

I like it more than blue and red combined.

　

Little Mortie got a real surprise when he barged into his parents’ room one night. "And you slap me for sucking my thumb?" he screamed.

　

My friend is a structural engineer.

He’s always complaining about stress at work.

　

A woman needs only four animals in her life: a mink on her back, a jaguar in her garage, a tiger in her bed, and a jackass to pay for it all.

　

Why do so many women want to join the army: They never have to decide what to wear.

　

What’s the worst thing about being an atheist? You have no one to call to when you’re having an orgasm.

 

What do you get when you cross a Jehovah’s Witness with an atheist? Someone who rings your doorbell for no reason.

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

A tired traveller pulls into a hotel around midnight. Very tired after a long day’s trip, he asks the clerk for a single room. As the clerk does the paperwork, the man looks around and sees a gorgeous blond sitting in the lobby.

 

He tells the clerk to wait while he goes into the lobby. After a minute he comes back, with the girl on his arm. "Fancy meeting my wife here," he says to the clerk. "Guess I’ll need a double room for the night."

 

The next morning, he goes to the front desk to settle his bill, and finds the amount to be over three thousand dollars. "What’s the meaning of this?" he yells at the clerk. "I’ve only been here one night!"

 

"Yes," says the clerk, "but your wife has been here for three weeks."

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

In the Beginning was the Plan

And then came the Assumptions

And the Assumptions were without form

And the Plan was completely without substance

And the darkness was upon the face of the workers

And they spoke among themselves, saying, "It is a crock of sh*t, and it stinketh to high heaven."

And the workers went unto their Supervisors and sayeth, "It is a pail of dung and none may abide the odour thereof."

And the Supervisors went unto their Managers and sayeth unto them, "It is a container of excrement and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it."

And the Managers went unto their Directors and sayeth, "It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength."

And the Directors spoke amongst themselves, saying one to another, "It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong."

And the Directors went unto the Vice Presidents and sayeth unto them, "It promotes growth and is very powerful."

And the Vice Presidents went unto the President and sayeth unto him, "This new plan will actively promote the growth and efficiency of this Company, and these Areas in particular."

And the President looked upon the Plan, And saw that it was good, and the Plan became Company Policy.

　

This Is How Sh*t Happens.

[scottiejohn]

[riceyummm]

[riceyummm]

[scottiejohn]

11 hours ago, riceyummm said:

It gives a new meaning to ‘spreading God’s words and deeds’!

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

"So tell me, Ms. Harris," asked the interviewer, "have you any other skills you think might be worth mentioning?"

"Actually, yes," said the applicant modestly. "Last year I had two short stories published in national magazines, and I finished a novel."

"Very impressive," he commented, "but I was thinking of skills you could apply during office hours."

The applicant explained brightly,

 

"Oh, that was during office hours."

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

Three men went out on Sunday to play some golf.

On the fourth hole, Fred chipped a shot into the rough. "You all play on ahead," he insisted. "I’ll catch up with you."

Off they went, but after half an hour had gone by with no sign of their friend, Charlie said, "I’ll go check on him."

The last guy played on for a while, but couldn’t help wondering what on earth had happened to his companions. So, he too, finally turned back to check matters out.

An astonishing sight greeted him when he returned to the fourth hole: poor Fred was bent over the backseat of his golf cart, with his buddy energetically screwing him up the a**e. "Charlie, Charlie, what the hell are you doing!" he yelled, breaking into a run.

"It was horrible," gasped a red-faced Charlie. "When I got here, Fred had a massive heart attack."

"You’re supposed to give him mouth-to-mouth resuscitation" ," cried the third guy, "and a heart massage, you idiot."

 

"I know that," retorted Charlie indignantly. "How do you think this whole sex thing got started?-he has such a lovely lips and chest. That and I misheard him after he came round when he said something about he wanted a hole  in one!"

[ddavidovsky]

I designed a new kind of toilet - but the market pooh-poohed it.

[scottiejohn]