Worst Joke Ever

[sunshine51]

Q: What do blondes say after sex?

A: "Thanks, guys!".

[sunshine51]

Q: What is the difference between anal sex and a microwave?

A: A microwave doesn't brown your meat!

[sunshine51]

Q: What's a burnt pizza, frozen beer & a pregnant girl have in common?

A: In each scenario there was a dumbass who didn't take it out in time.

[kevjohn]

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mum came home.

My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mum waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up.

Then she says, (as only a mother would know..

"Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"

[Thaddeus]

"Mummy, I'm 13 years old now, can I wear a bra?"

"No you can't David"

[BuddhistVirus]

Thai TV Tech show.

Two guys give accounts of latest tech happenings when one guy sticks a photo of Tom Hanks on the laptop screen.

Confused, the other guy asks, 'what is the deal?'

'Com hang'

[kevjohn]

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist,

looked straight into his eyes, and said, 'I would like to buy some cyanide.'

The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?'

The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.'

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license!

They'll throw both of us in jail. All kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!'

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, 'Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.'

[kevjohn]

In the original native culture of Thailand, when males reached the age of 18 they had to participate in the following ceremony:

They stood naked in a large circle, facing inward. A naked girl stood behind each of the men.

A beautiful, naked girl did a sexy dance in the center of the circle.

As soon as all the men became aroused and developed erections,

the girls behind them reached through between their legs,

pulled their erect penises downward as much as they could, and then released them.

The men's penises would then spring back up and go "WHAP!" against their bellies.

This exercise was a measurement of the strength of their masculinity . . . . .

and that's why the current capital of Thailand came to be named Bangkok.

[kevjohn]

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.

"Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it,

he jumped over the fence into our yard!"

"That must've been scary", said the teacher.

"It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... And before he could say '<deleted>' , the Rottweiler ate him!"

[Ron19]

An elderly senior couple were invited to an old friends home for dinner one evening. She was impressed by the way her lady friend preceded every request to her husband with endearing terms such as: Honey, My love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the husbands were in the living room, the host leaned over to her friend to say, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your husband all those loving pet names'.

The elderly lady hung her head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' she said, 'His name slipped my mind about 10 years ago and I'm scared to death to ask the cranky old bastard what his name is.

[Ron19]

There was a bit of confusion at the shop this morning. When I was ready to pay for my groceries, the female cashier said, “Strip down, facing me.”

I made a mental note to complain about security running amok, but I did just as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to my credit card.

I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

[Ron19]

Five rules to remember in life

1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it’s more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy but remember the bastard’s name.

3. Help someone when they are in trouble, and they will remember you when they’re in trouble again.

4. Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them.

5. Alcohol does not solve any problems but, then again, neither does milk

[Ron19]

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "Okay old fart, time for you to retire."

The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle all of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"

The young rooster says, "Beat it! You are washed up and I am taking over."

The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."

The young rooster laughs, "You know you don't stand a chance old man, so just to be fair I will give you a head start."

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs up his shotgun and boom, he blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Danggit... third gay rooster I bought this month."

[kevjohn]

"My boyfriend is such a cheat and a liar!" Sue shouted.

"I’ve been going with the guy for nearly a year now and not once did he mention that he’s married."

"Oh, that’s terrible," her friend said.

"Yeah. What a hypocrite! I’d probably never have found out.

I heard purely by chance when it was mentioned the other day by my husband."

[kevjohn]

Volvo has unveiled an auto designed by women for women called the YCC, "Your Concept Car."

Among its cutting-edge femifeatures:

-- Turn signals that are able to change their mind at the last minute.

-- An OnStar satellite tracking system that can locate, on command, all retail outlets within 500 miles

-- Permanent press fenders.

-- A dashboard voice console that's programmed to ask strangers for directions.

-- Side mirrors that make the driver appear slimmer than she actually is.

[kevjohn]

A man walks into a bar, he sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling.

He asks the barman, "Why are those two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling?"

The barman replies, "It's a competition which we run every night. If you can jump up and touch the meat, you get free drinks for the whole night."

"Great!" says the man, "but what if I can't reach them?"

"Then you have to buy all the drinks for everyone all night," the barman answers. "Do you want to try?"

"No, but thanks anyway."

"Why not?", asks the barman.

"The steaks are too high."

Edited September 24, 2012 by kevjohn

[canman]

Scene Canadian Tire hardware store service desk:

Newfie: this chain saw don't cut

Clerk: Oh really sir, give it here.....pulls starter cord

Newfie: AAAAAAH !!! what's that noise??

Newfie cough syrup

A pharmacist walks into his store to find a guy leaning heavily aganst a wall.

He asks the newfie clerk whats going on?

The clerk responds " Well he came in here this morning looking for something for his cough, I couldn't find the cough syrup so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative"

The pharmacist yells "You idiot, you can't treat a cough with a laxative!"

The newfie clerk responds "Of course you can! Look at him he's afraid to cough!"

[kevjohn]

Thought for the day:

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.

This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections

and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

[kevjohn]

I recently asked a friend, 'Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?'

'Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector', my friend replied.

I had to think about that one for a moment. 'That's a rather strange ambition to have for a career,' I finally managed to reply.

'Well,' said the boy's father, 'he thinks that garbage collectors only work on Tuesdays'.

[kevjohn]

At the airline check in at London Heathrow, Guy has three bags.

He puts them down and says to the young lady, 'I'd like you to send this one to Los Angeles,

that one to Hong Kong and the last one to Durban.'

Her face shows signs of confusion before her training takes over and she says, 'I'm afraid we can't do that, sir.'

'Why not?' demands Guy, 'you did the last time I flew with you.'

[kevjohn]

Gordon, an occasional hunter, visits a gentleman's outfitters and asks, 'Do you sell camouflage jackets?'

'Yes, indeed,' replies the salesman, unfortunately we can't find them.'

[kevjohn]

When visiting my wife's home country of England on our honeymoon, we arrived at London's Heathrow Airport.

Geraldine headed for the British passport entry queue while I, an Australian, waited in the ' foreigners' queue.

When my turn came, the Immigration official asked me the purpose of my visit.' Pleasure, 'I replied.' I'm on my honeymoon.'

The officer looked first to one side of me, then the other.

'That's very interesting, sir, 'he said as he stamped my passport.' Most men bring their wives with them.'

[Ron19]

The truckers diner:

One morning a young man at his first job as a waiter in a diner has a large trucker sit down at the counter and order.

"Gimme three flat tires and a couple of headlights," said the truck driver.

Bewildered the waiter goes to the kitchen and tells the cook, "I think this guy's in the wrong store. Look at what he ordered!"

The cook says, "He wants three pancakes and two eggs sunny-side up."

The waiter takes a bowl of beans to the trucker. The trucker looks at it and growls, "What's this? I didn't order this!"

The young man tells him, "The cook says that while you're waiting for your parts you might as well gas up!"

[uptheos]

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

[kevjohn]

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

I sometimes use a camouflage program when I'm replying to a topic on Thaivisa.

That's why they appear as "Deleted"

[Ron19]

How do you kill a circus? You go for the juggler.

Didja hear about the new restaurant on the moon? It's got great food, but no atmosphere.

Remember alcohol and calculus don't mix so don't drink and derive.

I'm addicted to placebos. I'd give them up but it wouldn't make any difference

A penguin walked into a bar and asked if anyone had seen his uncle. The bartender asked "What does he look like?"

I'm sure you've heard about the dyslexic who walked into a bra.

He also sold his soul to Santa.

Edited September 29, 2012 by Ron19

[kevjohn]

"This little computer," said the sales clerk, "will do half of your job for you."

Studying the machine, the senior VP said, "Fine, I'll take two."

[kevjohn]

A man was sent to Hell for his sins.

As he was being taken to his place of eternal torment, he passed a room where a lawyer was having an intimate encounter with a beautiful young woman.

"What a ripoff," the man muttered. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman."

Jabbing the man with his pitchfork, the escorting demon snarled, "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"

[kevjohn]

When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law BEFORE the criminal gets arrested, we call him an accomplice.

When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law AFTER the criminal has been arrested, we call him a defense attorney.

[kevjohn]

A man sitting in a library reads the births and deaths statistics.

After a few minutes he whispers to the person next to him: “Do you realise, every time I breathe in and out, someone dies”.

The other man replies: “Try a better mouthwash”.

Edited September 29, 2012 by kevjohn