A Day Late

[buadhai]

"The Errand"

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time

removing the olives and placing them in a jar.

When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the

Irishman started to leave.

"S'cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had

done,

"what was that all about?"

"Nothin', said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of

olives!"

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

"I've Lost Me Luggage"

An Irishman arrived at JFK Airport and wandered around the terminal with

tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was

already homesick.

"No," replied the Irishman, "I've lost all me luggage!"

"How'd that happen?"

"The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

"Water to Wine"

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding

in

Connecticut.

The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an

empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have ya been

drinkin'?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

"The Brothel"

Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the brothel

across the street.

They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said,

"Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."

Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said,

"Aye,

'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation as

well."

Then they see a Catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen

said, "What a terrible pity...one of the girls must be dying."

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Irish Cemetery

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling home from the pub

late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old

graveyard.

"Come have a look over here." says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's grave,

God

bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."

"That's nothing." says Sean, "Here's one named Patrick O'Toole, and it

says

here that he was 95 when he died!"

Just then, Seamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be

145!"

"What was his name?" asks Paddy.

Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is

written on the stone marker and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Irish Predicament

Drunk Ole Mulvihill staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional

box, sits down but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but Ole just sits

there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin', there's no paper on this side

either."

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Irish Last Request

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service,

and

she's in tears.

He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last

night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, did he have any last

requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father..."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that gun!'

Happy St. Patrick's Day!