Issues From Break-up With Thai Lady

[cognos]

there are tons of good ladies in LOS, I'll bet my life on it. i wish you both luck mak mak..and god bless too

please show me research on this blanket statement.. signed; your allegation is a slippery sloped one

Edited December 9, 2009 by bonobo
Removed quoted text from post since deleted.

[Donnyboy]

I have seen this before, and been through it, like you . In a nut shell The bad lady bit means that she is still in contact with other man/men , thats the only easy polite way of telling you, You ether put her on the spot and say you want total commitment or its total finish no contact , its hard but its the only way in my opinion.

totally agree

[MrFrank]

(Okay, I don't usually answer these relationship posts, but the OP doesn't sound like a troll, so I'll throw my hat in. I have no idea if any of this will be remotely pertinent to your situation, I'm just wildly speculating based on what you've told us and my experiences here, so take this as you will.)

To me, her actions sound like they are coming from a combination of two different forces.

Firstly, she doesn't want anything to change. Nobody likes change, even when rationally they do want it. She shares a history with you, and it is scary for her to leave that behind, even though she doesn't really love you anymore. This is what is causing her constant attempts to reconnect, even though once you are connected, she doesn't want to have anything to do with you. Because the break-up is her fault, she isn't getting any sense of closure that makes her feel good about her actions, only a fall off of emotions that makes her think about who is to blame. Nobody wants to blame themselves, so she is halfheartedly blaming you for catching her infidelity, even though she knows that blaming you is false.

This leads into the second variable, that she wants to leave you, but doesn't want to lose face by being the instigator. This is why she keeps calling herself a "bad girl". From my experience, when someone says something bad about themselves here, it is to get reinforcement that the bad thing is not true. She wants you to absolve her from her wrongdoings, but when you do, there is no one to blame and she still wants you gone.

You caught her doing something, so in a strange bending of logic, she can now blame you for ruining the relationship because it's your fault that she got caught. This completes the process of her letting you discover her infidelity, pushing the blame off herself and on to you, and then acquiring closure slowly by deluding herself that you caused the breakup, so she was right in fooling around on you. She gets to move on with her new boyfriend without feeling guilty about anything.

As you said, breakups here are a long process. If my assumptions seem remotely related to your situation, the only way you can end it fast is to lie to her that you have someone new, so that she can get angry at you for something that is at least somewhat grounded in logic, (unlike the convoluted mess that I tried to explain above), and will allow her sense of closure to happen more quickly. Otherwise this "push me, pull you" nonsense will go on for a long time, and you won't get anywhere with it.

I don't think it warrants a trip here, that is a waste of money unless you want to come for other reasons. There are many good women here, don't listen to the bitter posters who have realized that they can't pull any women here other than the 2% that allow themselves to get pulled as part of their job. Many assumptions are made about the whole population of Thailand based on experiences with a very specific, small percentage of the population. The majority have a completely different value set, but they are a very insular population, so most outsiders never get a chance to experience it. Education can be a good way in, so if you came here for your studies, that is one way.

Good luck!

On reflection (especially with the additional info on the photos etc.) this seems like a much more sensible analysis than my previous response. I don't think that a genuinely faithful woman would allow herself to be photographed in that way.

[Gary A]

Long distance relationships are difficult and seldom work out. Insecure women want security and dislike taking chances with their relationships. She has apparently decided that you won't stay with her and she is trying to get on with her life.

[Nio]

Thai Women do not handle LDR very well if at all.

It seems their whole purpose in life is to have someone with them 24/7 and to show their boyfriend off to every one.

She probably realizes, due to the time that has past, that you might never keep your promise and make it to Thailand.

In the meantime while waiting, her life has to go on with friends, parties, etc.

A country girl from KK saying she is a Bad Woman to me only means one thing? She has slept with someone else.

This could be a serious bout of depression at missing you, getting drunk inadvertly to forget the pain or a host of other reasons.

Her mood swings are probably a result of her loving you, but accepting you will never been able to join her in Thailand.

She is fighting her feelings of love with the feelings to cut you lose because she thinks you will never be able to join you and she cannot take the pain of waiting.

By acting as a Bad Women, she can give herself the moral support that she is not good enough for you or any other reason that makes it easy for her to walk away.

Being together like you said 3 years, for a girl of this calibre is a life long committment and I honestly believe since you did not keep up your end and join her in Thailand in a timely manner, she lost all hope.

When this happens, Thai girls go through a very bad phase inside themselves questioning everything in their life and exhibiting strange behavior.

Granted not everyone has the money to just take off from USA to go to Thailand, but on your part, you were poorly prepared to handle her departure.

You had 3 years to save and get ready to do something together.

It is a sad story, but honestly you should have realized Thai girls live to be in a close relationship and it is very meaningly to them to have a BF to spend all their time with and show off to their friends and family.

I am sure to her, you let her down and she is caught in a real emotionally roller coaster because you probably were the one for her.

Educated girls like this that have committed 3 years to one person tells me you were the one for her

She obviously is the person that cannot handle LDR and if you cannot move to be with her, give up for both your sakes

There is always a way in life in any situation, even moving to Thailand, if you really want it.

I have come to realize the companionship from a good woman is more important than anything else in life.

Good luck and if you love her go get her.

[Larsbo]

I think you are grown away from each other, that is always diffecult to keep a relationship when you are 10000 k away and for a long time.

try to show her this tobic, then she can read what is difficult to say in a simple and in a polite way.

[jrbkk64]

Blackbear and others, two things:

1. this lady realises that she stands no chance once you discover the very large number of attractive females in Thailand and is trying to avoid major loss of face for her

2. she has defenitely slept around if she says she is "bad" or she lies about being "bad" thinking about #1

Forget her, come to Thailand anyway and see for yourself what she is scared about!

[SiamWallaby]

Yep, she's from Khon Kaen, so makes her an Isaan girl. However, she isn't the BG type. She does have a high-end job in Bangkok and is very sophisticated and career-oriented.

I'm still trying to figure out the whole "bad woman" thing, and sadly enough it could mean she's been messing around. Only time will tell...

Thanks for the advice and the warnings and after I've healed up from all this, I just might find a good decent lady in LOS....no matter if it's Yim or someone else!

Guess I should chime in. Of course I dont know her and we're getting only one side of the story but..

All women (people for that matter) get lonely, its only a matter of time. LDR's are hard because of exactly that. Thai women seem to be even more susceptible than most in my experience. She probably did, or still does, love you, but met someone else in the mean time. That could leave one or two situations. The guy is just "Mr. Right Now" and you're still "Mr. Right" but she feels guilty about it. Or, she is actually now in love with this guy and doesn't want to confront you about it or hurt your feelings.

You best bet, if this girl has showed you anything about what it means to be in a relationship with a Thai woman, is make up your mind to actually come here for a while. Find a nice girl (and its not as easy as it seems) and give it a go again. Don't do it until you're situated either to stay in LOS or take someone back with you. Once you've got that in mind, the other things will fall in place. But dont expect it to be easy. As always, try and find a book called "Thailand Fever" and read it either yourself or with your new love. Relationships take a lot of work in any situation, in a cross cultural situation its multiplied tenfold. But the rewards are amazing, Thai women are very unique in so many ways.

I wish you the best of luck!

[blackbear]

Hey Guys--

Thanks again for the replies.

I have talked to Yim twice over the past couple of days. From what I've been able to find out from Yim herself plus some of her co-workers, it would seem there's been a big crackdown at her workplace on chatting/e-mailing/playing games on company time. Since she doesn't have the Internet at home, this is where she does the vast bulk of her Internet activities, including almost all of her chatting/e-mailing me. With the exception of a few times when the bosses or supervisors weren't around, she has e-mailed or chatted with me from a cybercafe down the street from her apartment building or from Jeab's house (which would explain why she and Jeab make almost simultaneous appearances and why she doesn't have much to say when I come online to chat) over the past month or so - including before the break-up. She doesn't get to go to either of these places everyday. In addition, she's had some money problems lately and the phone calls are getting more and more difficult to make. It would seem that all of this was part of the reason for the break-up. She herself said she didn't want me getting frustrated or blowing a fuse whenever she can't come online or call. Yeah it would get frustrating, but in all honesty I'm not so sure I'd blow a fuse. I'm guessing she's worried I'll accuse her of cheating again.

Yes, she has been in a deep depression lately and I've obviously been a large part of that, but she's saying now there's a lot of places she wants to go to and things she wants to do in her life before she settles down and she wants to have a good career and be herself instead of a "good wife." She hasn't been able to do those things thus far and this also depresses her. I've told her time and again I'm happy with her just the way she is and would happily support any decisions she makes, but she insists she'd have to start settling down and being a "good wife" if I came to Thailand to be with her. Also according to her, she's in such a bad emotional state right now she just can't handle any arguments, esp. "farang-style arguments."

As for not coming to Thailand up to this point in time, not only did I lose my job, but also had a series of health problems in 2006-08 and for several periods of time I could hardly leave the house. I have planned to come to Thailand on several occasions, but a lot of my money ended up going for medical bills, student loans, etc, etc. However, I'm back in full form now and ready to head on over as soon as I've got all the money together!

Obviously the only solution would be for me to come to Thailand, but from what she's told me, even then the chances of getting back together with her seem to be pretty dismal. However, I'd still want to come to Thailand to experience the country and for my dream.

P.S.

It's also worth mentioning that Yim has done a complete 360 on my coming to Thailand. At first she objected, but now says she'll help and support me however she can if I decide to come.

[richardt1808]

Hi there...

I think that you need to face up to reality and the fact that you are worlds apart. Aside from the physical distance, there is the whole social and cultural dimension which you will be facing by coming here and odds are that you won't overcome it.

If you followed your own common-sense, you would look for a relationship in the place where you are living and where you have a viable future, with opportunity for advancement in your career and otherwise. I have lived here in Thailand for more than 10 years and I can tell you that getting and keeping a decent job is really difficult. You need to either be very well qualified, rich, or incredibly lucky. With the whole werk-permit issue, jumping from one job to another is also not quite as easy at home, so something like 'career advancement' wont be on your horizon. Also, don't fool yourself into thinking that you can do the whole 'be a teacher' thing. While there may be positions available in premiere schools with very good salaries, applicants do need to be suitably qualified and experienced; which I think you are not. Therefore any teaching path you would be choosing, would certainly be in a provincial-type school at a really paltry salary.... so you have to ask yourself what kind of a future this would line you up for?

We haven't even got to the issue of your 'bad' woman yet, but you should already be seeing that your whole idea of trying to start a career and support yourself in a foreign country is really not the wisest one.

So now to your gf....

Realise that the whole relationship will be pivoting on a new point once you are here. She is in her own established social circle here and you will be coming into your own new circle. This means that the premise of your whole relationship will be totally different. You will, in fact, be starting again. Chances are, realistically, that you wont have the same things here in common as you did there so my vote is that you would probably end up with a different girl here in the end.

Given that; you may as well go find that different girl right there and avoid the mountain of problems that comes with trying to earn a living and maintain a career in a different world.

[dumball]

Hi Blackbear , how ya still doin t'day ? I think some of your problem is you have seriously mixed up which medication to take with which , you are so confused you have even forgotten whether the 'Love of your life ' is Thai or Kymer . There is quite a difference in how the two differ in their approach to marriage in their individual cultures , you are probably seeing this when you are switching your posts from a Thai forum to a Cambodian forum , not slipping up where it's 'All at' .

TROLL ta-de-da .

[blackbear]

Hi Blackbear , how ya still doin t'day ? I think some of your problem is you have seriously mixed up which medication to take with which , you are so confused you have even forgotten whether the 'Love of your life ' is Thai or Kymer . There is quite a difference in how the two differ in their approach to marriage in their individual cultures , you are probably seeing this when you are switching your posts from a Thai forum to a Cambodian forum , not slipping up where it's 'All at' .

TROLL ta-de-da .

What are you talking about? I've never posted on a Cambodian forum in my life. Would you care to show what thread and what forum you are talking about??

[blackbear]

Hi there...

I think that you need to face up to reality and the fact that you are worlds apart. Aside from the physical distance, there is the whole social and cultural dimension which you will be facing by coming here and odds are that you won't overcome it.

If you followed your own common-sense, you would look for a relationship in the place where you are living and where you have a viable future, with opportunity for advancement in your career and otherwise. I have lived here in Thailand for more than 10 years and I can tell you that getting and keeping a decent job is really difficult. You need to either be very well qualified, rich, or incredibly lucky. With the whole werk-permit issue, jumping from one job to another is also not quite as easy at home, so something like 'career advancement' wont be on your horizon. Also, don't fool yourself into thinking that you can do the whole 'be a teacher' thing. While there may be positions available in premiere schools with very good salaries, applicants do need to be suitably qualified and experienced; which I think you are not. Therefore any teaching path you would be choosing, would certainly be in a provincial-type school at a really paltry salary.... so you have to ask yourself what kind of a future this would line you up for?

We haven't even got to the issue of your 'bad' woman yet, but you should already be seeing that your whole idea of trying to start a career and support yourself in a foreign country is really not the wisest one.

So now to your gf....

Realise that the whole relationship will be pivoting on a new point once you are here. She is in her own established social circle here and you will be coming into your own new circle. This means that the premise of your whole relationship will be totally different. You will, in fact, be starting again. Chances are, realistically, that you wont have the same things here in common as you did there so my vote is that you would probably end up with a different girl here in the end.

Given that; you may as well go find that different girl right there and avoid the mountain of problems that comes with trying to earn a living and maintain a career in a different world.

Well I have my own dreams to follow and as I've mentioned before, I don't intend to come to Thailand solely to follow her. If I fail, I fail and no regrets. It's better than wondering and wishing a few years what could have been up the road.

As for teaching English, I'm not too interested in taking that route. I just don't have the patience or the desire to do that. I'd prefer to stick to my alma mater (i.e. telecommunications), but I have heard there are more than enough telecom majors to go around in Thailand....

Edited December 9, 2009 by blackbear

[anothertorres]

definitely stick with this girl. it sounds like you guys are having a lot of fun. it's only going to get MORE fun. choke dii na haab.

[dumball]

Kymer440 , exactly the same story almost word for word down to the names of the ladies , quite a coincidence , somebody copying your posts ?

[blackbear]

Dumball--

I don't know who you are, but I've never seen you before and I'm not copying anyone's posts. I have no idea what forum you are talking about, but I've never been there and if there's any resemblance between the stories, it's coincidental.

To the Moderators:

Can you please close this thread? I have given all of the advice here some serious thought and have reached a decision on what to do regarding my ex. This thread has served its purpose as far as I'm concerned. Thank you so much.

To All the TVers:

Thank you so much for taking the time to read this thread and for your valuable advice. It has given me much to think about and I'm sure I'll make use of it again over time, regardless of whether my ex and I get back together or go our separate ways. I hope I can drop in again and preferably when I have some better news to report! haha...Thanks again guys and take care.

[neverdie]

Sounds like detective dumball has cracked this case.

[bina]

closing the topic by OP reqest.

bina