50 Of The Best Jokes?

[PhilHarries]

The UK Daily Telegraph has published the following list of the 50 best jokes of the noughties (the years 2000-09, what are they gonna call the next 10? The oneties, can't be the teenties as 2010,11 & 12 aren't teens but I digress). I read through the list and a couple made me chuckle, most were decidedly unfunny and some I found bordering on the offensive.

What does the forum think? Have I lost my sense of humour or is comedy dead?

50 EasyJet are like minicab drivers. ‘How much to Prague?' 'I’ll do it for a tenner.’ (Pam Ann)

49 I thought when I was 41, I would be married with kids. Well, to be honest I thought I would be married with weekend access. (Sean Hughes)

48 With stand-up in Britain what you have to do is bloody swearing. In Germany, we don’t have to swear. Reason being, things work. (Henning Wehn)

47 Did you hear about the shrimp that went to the prawn’s cocktail party? He pulled a mussel. (Ken Dodd)

46 The only way Heather Mills can redeem herself now is to find Madeleine McCann. (Shazia Mirza)

45 Mobile phone cancer is more common in the city. So is everything else, including sex, coffee and conversation. (Dylan Moran)

44 I come from Canada, one of the friendliest places in the world. I don’t get angry. I shimmy. (Phil Nichol)

43 Does the new paedophile in town approach the older paedophiles and ask them - ‘Where’s a good place to track down kiddies? Do you know a good

place?’ ‘Well, it’s swings and roundabouts, really.’ (Frank Skinner)

42 I asked the shop assistant what filling I should have in the duvet. She said: ‘Get down.’ So I hit the f***ing deck. (Rhod Gilbert)

41 A sewage farm. In what way is it a farm? Is there a farm shop? (Jack Dee)

40 We do not go in for philosophy in this country. We have our own system. It’s called wondering. (Al Murray as the Pub Landlord)

39 Most of us have a skeleton in the cupboard. David Beckham takes his out in public. (Andrew Laurence)

38 Release your potential? That’s a very bad idea. Leave it alone! It’s potential! (Dylan Moran)

37 Try shoving an ice-cube down your wife’s front at night - ‘There’s the chest freezer you wanted.’ (Ken Dodd)

36 The Taliban were bang out of order. If the dishes are done, there’s no need for a mask. (Al Murray as the Pub Landlord)

35 I remember the last thing my nan said to me before she died. ‘What are you doing here with that hammer?’ (Lee Mack)

34 Bluetooth? It looks like a tusk, as though you’ve had a fight with a walrus and lost. (Lee Evans)

33 I spit on education. No man will ever put his hand up your dress looking for a library card. (Joan Rivers)

32 There are only two conditions where you’re allowed to wake up a woman on a lie-in. It’s snowing or the death of a celebrity. (Michael McIntyre)

31 For boys, puberty is like turning into the Incredible Hulk - but very, very slowly. (John Bishop)

30 If you can’t go into an Irish bar and get into a conversation that’s like being a special needs kid going to summer holiday camp and not getting a hug. (Phil

Nichol)

29 Why do paedophiles always have beards and glasses? What is it about that look that children find so sexy? (Frankie Boyle)

28 One arm butlers - they can take it but they can’t dish it out. (Tim Vine)

27 Black people are the only people in the world that can f*** up a surprise party - and get there at the same time as the surprisee. (Gina Yashere)

26 A big girl once came up to me after a show and said ‘I think you’re fatist.’ I said ‘No. I think you’re fattest.’ (Jimmy Carr)

25 I joined the gym. What’s that done is ruined my credibility as an indie hipster girl. It’s also ruined my personality but I’m so full of endorphins I haven’t even noticed let alone cared. ‘Person-what-aly?’ I say when they ask. (Josie Long)

24 You think things are all legal or illegal in this country. In Ireland that’s not the way we do it. We’re got a greater appreciation of the greyness of the human

condition, between the white and the black. There are three states of legality in Irish law. All this stuff here which comes under ‘That’s grand’ then it moves into ‘Ah now, don’t push it’ and finally it moves into ‘Right, you’re taking the piss’ - that’s when the police sweep in. (Dara O’Briain)

23 Ellen MacArthur - how many times is that woman going to have go round the world before she realises she’s a f***ing lesbian? (Frankie Boyle)

22 How many men does it take to change a toilet roll? Nobody knows - it’s never been done before. (Ken Dodd)

21 A friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a steam train. When it happened, he was chuffed to bits! (Tim Vine)

20 A hotel mini-bar allows you to see into the future and find out what a can of Pepsi will cost in 2020. (Rich Hall)

19 He looks terrible doesn’t he, [Gordon] Brown? He looks like a sad face that someone has drawn onto their scrotum. (Frankie Boyle)

18 I saw a poster for Mission Impossible III the other day. I thought to myself - ‘It’s not really impossible if he’s already done it twice.’ (Mark Watson)

17 Grandchildren can be f**ing annoying. How many times can you go ‘And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink’? It’s like talking to a supermodel. (Joan Rivers)

16 I like the Ten Commandments but I have a problem with the ninth. It should be - Thou shalt not covet they neighbour’s ox, except in Scrabble. (David O’Doherty)

15 Men who blow themselves up are promised 72 virgins in paradise. That’s a high price to pay for a shag. In real life you’d be hard pushed to find one virgin. It begs the question - what on earth do they all look like? That’s a lot of hairy women. (Shazia Mirza)

14 They say being a hostage is difficult - but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back. (Phil Nichol)

13 My wife said ‘Rob, I’d love to have children.’ Now I’ll be honest - I wasn’t sure. Did I want to go through it all again? The lifting, the carrying, the mopping up of

the spillages? And that’s just when you’re making love trying to have the child. (Rob Brydon)

12 If God had written the Bible, the first line should have been ‘It’s round’. (Eddie Izzard)

11 There are no requests for jugglers - only ‘Don’t juggle!’ (Simon Amstell)

10 I got on the property ladder. It’s bloody murder getting that deposit together, isn’t it? You start having dark thoughts don’t you? You start looking at your mum and dad thinking: If only they had an accident…. I’ll put cheese-wire across the door. ‘Mother come quick, things to shred!’ (Alan Carr)

9 The first coherent line ever spoken was ‘I have no idea what you’re talking about.’ (Eddie Izzard)

8 Before the invention of the alphabet, filing was impossible. Or very easy. (Chris Addison)

7 You could solve the Jewish settlement of Palestinian territories by putting them on Northern Rock mortgages. They’d soon send the Geordie bailliffs round. (Mark Thomas)

6 Catholicism is the most adhesive religion in the world. If you joined the Taliban, you’d merely be regarded as a bad Catholic. (Dara O’Briain)

5 I said to my girlfriend on Saturday: ‘How would you like to go shopping with the girls, get some new shoes, get your hair done in a different style and then go

out for a couple of bottles of Chardonnay?’ She said: ‘That sounds brilliant.’ I said: ‘Good - because we’re breaking up.’ (Jimmy Carr)

4 Drinking and driving is safer than either drinking or driving - and no one has ever died drinking, driving and juggling. (Lee Mack)

3 Did you see that guy they jailed the other month - ‘Osama bin London’? Is that the stage it has got to? F*ing tribute acts? (Frankie Boyle)

2 Richard Curtis calls me about Comic Relief every year without fail, and says, ‘Want to go to Africa? It’s riddled with AIDs, poverty and war?’ I say, ‘No, it sounds f***ing awful.‘ He also asked me to be in Love Actually. I said, ‘So, tell me about that Africa trip again.’ (Ricky Gervais)

1 No wonder Bob Geldof is such an expert on famine. He’s been dining off ‘I Don’t Like Mondays’ for 30 years. (Russell Brand)

[mumbojumbo]

absolute crap

[Crossy]

When the world has come to 99% of these lord help us

Most are not even remotely funny, there again they did come from the Telegraph

Is Ken Dodd still alive? He was marginally funny when I was a nipper.

[babuhavas]

none of them were funny at all