Waiting For The Perfect Man?

[camerata]

Waiting for the perfect man? Mr Second Best is better than Mr Nobody... and I should know!

Single, over 30, longing for a baby? A new book says stop waiting for the perfect man and marry the first half-decent one who'll have you.

The thesis of Gottlieb's book is that by holding out for the romantic ideal, broadly known as Mr Right, after the age of 30, many of us girls are throwing away the opportunity of a secure and fulfilling family life - a life-affirming structure that will keep us happy, regardless of our husband's failings.

In her book, Gottlieb - a single mother who admits she wishes she had settled for any of the 'perfectly acceptable but uninspiring' men she rejected during her futile hunt for perfection - describes sitting in the park with a friend and their six-month-old babies, both conceived via donor sperm: 'Ah, this is the dream,' I said, and we nodded in silence for a minute, then burst out laughing.

'In some ways, I meant it: we'd both dreamed of motherhood, and here we were, picnicking in the park with our children. But it was also decidedly not the dream.

'The dream, like that of our mothers and their mothers from time immemorial, was to fall in love, get married,and live happily ever after.

Full story.

[sbk]

Oh honey, there is no such thing as a perfect man

[IanForbes]

You owe me a cleaning of my computer screen, Camerata. I sprayed coffee all over my keyboard from laughter.

Perfect man? There ain't such an animal... same as there isn't a perfect woman. We ALL have to settle for second, or should I say third best if we want to be married. Staying single means you get the best of all worlds, but you wake up alone and you don't get to enjoy your own children. We always have to give up something to get something else.

Edited to include the sperm donor comment. I forgot about that option. So there you go, you get your cake and eat it too.

Edited January 26, 2010 by IanForbes

[MsClueless]

have thought about this

and no regret. I only want the real thing

yes, a bit naive, and clueless like my name

but real thing does not have to be perfect.

you have seen them at their worse, but you still love them.

that is real.

if not, I prefer stay single.

[Boo]

I have alays maintained that a lot of women self sabotage when it comes to men. They expect a man to fulfill so many different roles & expectations that it's no wonder they end up single & stroppy.

oh I'm sure some will claim that women who don't hold the same impossible high standards as them have somehow settled for less but I see it different. I don't need a man to complete my life, I need one to compliment it & as such don't look to a man (a mere mortal & a male one at that ) to be able to meet such lofty expectations. He is just flesh & blood, with flaws, just as we have & you learn to accept & sometimes even love those flaws as they do in you.

By placing so many exceptions, so many rules, so many requirements you send out the signal that even if he might seem perfect now at sometime in the future he won't be & I'm sure men can pick up on that & honestly, who needs that kind of pressure?. No wonder those women are never happy with who they meet. No one would be good enough.

[PeaceBlondie]

What is the compulsion to have morning sickness, to throw your spine out of whack, go though child-birth, post-partum, stinky diapers, toilet training, choosing all the right schools, etc.? Finding Mr. Half-Right is difficult enough.

Neither marriage nor child-bearing and raising is mandatory. Welcome to the 2010's. Enjoy.

[sbk]

I have to say, tho, that of all the high school friends I am in touch with about 75% are either married or in serious long term relationships, most with kids. Maybe the fussy thing came later, or maybe its just some women, but frankly, I don't see it in the people I know back home.

[sawatdeeyesitsme]

Funny article! Not sure about the sperm donor thing though. My thoughts are if I meet the right person, settle down and have kids then great. If it doesn't, I'm not going to rush out and get artifically inseminated.

sbk - I don't know if it is a generational thing or just something about the town I'm from, but most of my friends from school (so early 30s) are unmarried and don't have children. If they are married or in a serious relationship, they don't want kids. Maybe it's something about growing up and being conscious of the 80s. However, those I went to university with (I didn't go to Uni at 18, so most of my friends from Uni are in their mid-late 20s) the majority are married and have kids.

[sbk]

So, a short generational gap from the sounds of it? women in their women in their 40's partners with kids or no kids, 30s no kids no partners, 20s partners with kids ?

[siggie2]

I have alays maintained that a lot of women self sabotage when it comes to men. They expect a man to fulfill so many different roles & expectations that it's no wonder they end up single & stroppy.

oh I'm sure some will claim that women who don't hold the same impossible high standards as them have somehow settled for less but I see it different. I don't need a man to complete my life, I need one to compliment it & as such don't look to a man (a mere mortal & a male one at that ) to be able to meet such lofty expectations. He is just flesh & blood, with flaws, just as we have & you learn to accept & sometimes even love those flaws as they do in you.

By placing so many exceptions, so many rules, so many requirements you send out the signal that even if he might seem perfect now at sometime in the future he won't be & I'm sure men can pick up on that & honestly, who needs that kind of pressure?. No wonder those women are never happy with who they meet. No one would be good enough.

Boo

Thats the best post i have ever seen from you.Have you had some incredible sex lately with hubby llol lol

[F1fanatic]

I have alays maintained that a lot of women self sabotage when it comes to men. They expect a man to fulfill so many different roles & expectations that it's no wonder they end up single & stroppy.

oh I'm sure some will claim that women who don't hold the same impossible high standards as them have somehow settled for less but I see it different. I don't need a man to complete my life, I need one to compliment it & as such don't look to a man (a mere mortal & a male one at that ) to be able to meet such lofty expectations. He is just flesh & blood, with flaws, just as we have & you learn to accept & sometimes even love those flaws as they do in you.

By placing so many exceptions, so many rules, so many requirements you send out the signal that even if he might seem perfect now at sometime in the future he won't be & I'm sure men can pick up on that & honestly, who needs that kind of pressure?. No wonder those women are never happy with who they meet. No one would be good enough.

Know what you mean Boo, but I don't know ANY unmarried women (older than 30) - stroppy or otherwise!

I suspect that most women persuade themselves they are in love when they meet a man whose company they enjoy and who makes them laugh. I also suspect its only a minority that are genuinely in love when they marry. The same with men, but their criteria are different.

[Boo]

really? None at all? I have several friends all in the 40-50 range who never married or had kids cause they were looking for that elusive Mr Perfect & living their lives purely for their own enjoyment. Nothing wrong with doing that but they are all now mid to late 40's, unhappy with the choices they made.

1 is actually on antidepressants & one is obsessed with self help books & cries at the drop of a hat when she thinks of her childless life. They both had relationships all through their 30's with perfectly nice guys but who were never "good enough"

Each has admitted that they wished they had just had kids in their 30's & given it a try with the man they were with cause now they see the futility of having such unobtainable expectations.

IMO having kids isn't the be all & end all to life but when you want them & don't have them cause you are looking for some totally non existent man to do it with then your later life can/will (?) be miserable & full of regret.

And siggie2, - Always do

[Boo]

I just wonder why women have to have such crazy criteria when looking for a man.

I get the impression that some women have told themselves/been told that having a man who shows you respect, works hard, is a good person, shares the same vision of the future as you, takes care of you & you him, likes a laugh & makes you feel good (or all the other basics) isn't enough. now he also has to be your best friend, shopping partner, be able to discuss nietsche (!) have a rabid interest in 17th century mayan art, can recite obscure greek poetry at the drop of a hat, come with you when you get a bikini wax, cry at chick flicks etc ( lol, you get my drift).

It's too much pressure, that man rarely exists & if he did he would probably have a bf himself

[PeaceBlondie]

My 2 oldest girls got PG at 17 and 15, and married a good man. The boys paired off much later. But by age 33.

[Hern]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1lV5lnYlR58

[sbk]

that man rarely exists & if he did he would probably have a bf himself

I know him and he does.

[RakJungTorlae]

that man rarely exists & if he did he would probably have a bf himself

I know him and he does.

The perfect man is gentle

Never cruel or mean

He has a beautiful smile

And keeps his face so clean.

The perfect man likes children

And will raise them by your side

He will be a good father

As well as a good husband to his bride.

The perfect man loves cooking

Cleaning and vacuuming too

He'll do anything in his power

To convey his feelings of love on you.

The perfect man is sweet

Writing poetry from your name

He's a best friend to your mother

And kisses away your pain.

He never has made you cry

Or hurt you in any way

Oh, fuc_k this stupid poem

The perfect man is gay.

[PeaceBlondie]

Maybe that's why I was such a good husband and father.

[BayBeGirl]

that man rarely exists & if he did he would probably have a bf himself

I know him and he does.

The perfect man is gentle

Never cruel or mean

He has a beautiful smile

And keeps his face so clean.

The perfect man likes children

And will raise them by your side

He will be a good father

As well as a good husband to his bride.

The perfect man loves cooking

Cleaning and vacuuming too

He'll do anything in his power

To convey his feelings of love on you.

The perfect man is sweet

Writing poetry from your name

He's a best friend to your mother

And kisses away your pain.

He never has made you cry

Or hurt you in any way

Oh, fuc_k this stupid poem

The perfect man is gay.

I waiting for you RJT JOOBJOOB!!!

[Patsycat]

Add single and stroppy to my feminazi alterego.

I am single and stroppy and over forty. It is my choice, one of these days I shall meet Mr not so Perfect and probably get even stroppier.

Poor guy. Even male friends who come and sleep on the couch tell me I am unbearable to live with.... Shise, this is chez moi, and I do things my way. Take it or leave it. I act the other way in other peoples houses - how do you arrange your cushions, put things in the fridge etc.

I am going away for a week next week, a male friend is coming over to see his mates and is going to cat sit. I have written out a list of do's and don'ts. Mostly about cat, my friend has never looked after a cat before. Feeding times etc. But also, the usual no loud music etc.

I am more finnicky than stroppy....

[Boo]

Patsy, the key words there are "by choice". I always maintain that if something happens between me & the mister I wont ever live with a man again, just me & my boy & things will be done exactly how I want them so I can't blame you for having your rules & ways, why shouldn't you, it's your house.

[PattayaParent]

Oh honey, there is no such thing as a perfect man

There is, but I'm married already

[davejonesbkk]

"....describes sitting in the park with a friend and their six-month-old babies, both conceived via donor sperm..."

jesus what a depressing piece of social commentary, so glad Im not in the UK sometimes....

[MiG16]

this is all I have to say on the matter

(had been using this image as part of my online profile for years!)

dont anyone else take it to use on the forum!!

[bkkjames]

that man rarely exists & if he did he would probably have a bf himself

I know him and he does.

Now I know why you wanted to go for a beer a couple weeks ago when you were in the big city.

[sbk]

that man rarely exists & if he did he would probably have a bf himself

I know him and he does.

Now I know why you wanted to go for a beer a couple weeks ago when you were in the big city.

You have a boyfriend????

[bkkjames]

that man rarely exists & if he did he would probably have a bf himself

I know him and he does.

Now I know why you wanted to go for a beer a couple weeks ago when you were in the big city.

You have a boyfriend????

Sorry the part about you being a man threw me off.

[sbk]

Sorry the part about you being a man threw me off.

yes, it often does. Looks can be deceiving

[eek]

Theres a big difference about accepting someone good enough and accepting someone you know just isnt right for you, for the sake of holding onto the relationship, or hoping it will work out.

I think more women are guilty of the latter?

I have never wanted a guy to do girly things with me. The idea of a guy tagging along with me when i go shopping sends shivers down my spine. No guy needs to know my personal hygiene habits either! I dont want a man to be a woman in any way, but being a man (imo) isnt about being some manly man (aka jerk) either. I dont need a sensitive man, but i do think a man should be able to show sensitivity and empathy in some form...even if just in his own way. Im at the age now where if the situation was right I would consider having a child. But, even if i lament the lack of kids in my life later on, I would rather lament than be with a man who would not be supportive...and i mean emotionally supportive too. Again, that doesnt mean i expect a man to listen to me rant on and on or expect him to listen to me in the same way as a woman would, but its important for me to feel that im listened to and not fobbed off if and when i have something important i wish to talk about. Settling for Mr Good Enough is fine, but settling for anything less than that will only damage your quality of life.

Edited January 29, 2010 by eek

[IanForbes]

Theres a big difference about accepting someone good enough and accepting someone you know just isnt right for you, for the sake of holding onto the relationship, or hoping it will work out.

Settling for Mr Good Enough is fine, but settling for anything less than that will only damage your quality of life.

You said it perfectly right there, eek. Unfortunately, we often meet the "right" partner too early in life when we aren't emotionally ready for marriage. That is just as true for men as it is for women. It all depends on what your priorities are. Some women just want ANY man so they can settle down and have children. I can be the same for men as well. Regardless of what some people think, men can want families just as much as women. But, the unfairness is that men have the opportunity to wait. Due to biology, women can't wait and it might affect their judgement in choosing a partner. It IS better to stay single than go through an acrimonious marriage and break up. It's especially hard on any children involved.