More Jokes

[bluebear]

Man walks into a bar.

OUCH!

Scotsman walks into a bar with a crocodile, he asks the barman " do you serve englishmen?" "Yes" says the barman.

Ok, I'll have a pint and an englishman for the crocodile.

[bluebear]

Dear Technical Support,

18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble.

However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off. To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as Lads Night Out 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better. A shareware program, Party Girl 2.1, which I tried, had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.

Eventually, I tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other, they caused severe damage to my hardware. I then upgraded to FiancZe 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSex Plus and Cleanhouse 2002. Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them.

Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail Filter, and can, without warning, Launch TurboStrop and Whinge. These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is.

Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Wife 1.0 also spawns unwelcome child processes that drain my resources. These conflict with some of the new games I wanted to try out, warning me that they are an illegal operation. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Audi TT hard drive, it often crashes.

Wife 1.0 also comes with a rather annoying pop-up called Mother-In-Law, which can't be turned off. Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2003, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2003, it tends to delete all of your Money files before

uninstalling itself.

Any ideas?

[tuky]

Dr. Zeuss explains why computers sometimes crash

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,

and the bus is interrupted at a very last resort,

and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,

then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,

and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,

and your data is corrupted cause the index doesn't hash,

then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!

If the label on the cable on the table at your house

says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,

but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,

that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,

and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,

so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse;

then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,

'cuz sure as I'm a poet, that sucker's gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk,

and the macro code instructions cause unnecessary risk,

then you'll have to flash the memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM

then quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom!

[Charlie]

Air India

Surinder Singh's uncle was booked into an Air India flight to Bombay. But as this was his first time in an aeroplane, he made a few preparations that were out of place.

When the stewardess came around to take orders for the in-flight meal, the uncle declared loudly, "I have brought my own lunch. Make sure you don't charge me for food and drinks!" So, as everybody was given their in-flight meal, the uncle began spreading out his own home-cooked meal.

The man sitting next to him was an American history researcher and was curious about the food. "Excuse me, what is that drink?" he asked. The uncle picked up the yogurt-based lassi drink and said, "Milk of India!"

Then the uncle took out several pieces of chappatis and started feasting. "And what is that dish?" asked the curious American. "Wheat of India!" replied the uncle proudly.

Finally, the uncle took out some desserts. He offered some to the American. "What is it?" asked the American. "Sweets of India!" replied the old man.

After the meal, everyone was settling down when there was a loud "pooooooooot!" sound from the uncle. "What was that?" asked the American, holding his nose in disgust. The old man replied coolly, "That's Air India."

[dlfisher]

Mexican Husband

A Mexican is strolling down the street in Mexico City and kicks a bottle lying in the street. Suddenly, out of the bottle comes a Genie.

The Mexican is stunned and the Genie says, “Hello master, I will grant

you one wish, anything you want." The Mexican begins thinking, "Well, I really

like drinking tequila." Finally the Mexican says, “I wish to drink

tequila whenever I want, so make me piss tequila."

The Genie grants him his wish.

When the Mexican gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and

pisses in it. He looks at the glass and it's clear. Looks like tequila.

Then he smells the liquid. Smells like tequila. So, he takes a taste

and it is the best tequila he has ever tasted. The Mexican yells to his

wife, Consuelo, Consuelo, come quickly!" She comes running down the hall

and the Mexican takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it.

He tells her to drink, it is tequila. Consuelo is reluctant but goes ahead

and takes a sip. And it is the best tequila she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night.

The next night the Mexican comes home from work and tells his wife

to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to piss in the two

glasses. The result is the same, the tequila is excellent and the couple

drink until the sun comes up.

Finally, Friday night comes and the Mexican comes home and tells his

wife, "Consuelo grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink tequila."

His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table.

The Mexican begins to piss in the glass and when he fills it his

wife asks him, "But Pancho, why do we need only one glass?"

Pancho raised the glass and says, "Because tonight my love, you

drink from the bottle!!

[jayenram]

An American stops a Brit on Sukhumvit and asks "Can you tell me where the Grand Palace is at?"

Don't you know that it is incorrect English grammar to end a sentence with a preposition?" the Brit replies.

"Ok, can you tell me where the Grand Palace is at, ######?"

[francois]

Any ideas?

complete reformat of file-system

change disk and to be sure, change memory too, in case some bad-blocks damaged the slot itself

I knew this one in french, but it's still a great one

I love it

[surin]

A New Zealander, living in Australia went into a Social Security office and spoke to a clerk behind the counter. He told the Clerk that he was sick of bludging off the Australian taxpayer and receiving the dole...He said he wanted a job and what position, if any, did the Clerk have for him.

The Clerk looked at the kiwi in shock and said a position had just been made available that could possibly suit the Kiwi....It was to drive a mega-rich business-man's daughter around, look after her every wish and travel the world at any time she wanted to go. He would be paid handsomely for his service, fed, sheltered and clothed.

The Kiwi couldn't believe his ears and then said..."You're full of crap...You're telling me lies!"

The Clerk replied..."You started it"

[surin]

a bloke walked into a bar with a frog sitting on his head...The bar-man said "What have you got there?"...The frog said it started out with a wart on my arse!!

[Charlie]

Moral of this story : Drink till kingdom come just remember that you are

married !!!

Martin wakes up at home with a huge hangover.

He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees are a

couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down

and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Martin

looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless,

clean. So's the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a

note on the table, reading "Honey, breakfast is on the stove. I left

early to go shopping. Love you!" He goes to the kitchen and sure enough,

there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at

the table, eating. Martin asks, "Son, what happened last night?" His son

says, "Well, you came home after 3 a.m., drunk and delirious. Broke some

furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you

stumbled into the door." Confused, Martin asks, "So, why is everything

in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she

tried to take your pants off, you yelled, 'Lady, leave me alone, I'm a

married man'!"

[Charlie]

Prime Ministers from USA, UK and Singapore were travelling on a warship

>that was cruising near S.Arabia. The 3 were talking about how brave their

>soldiers were when their cordial discussion soon turned into an argument

>where each wanted to prove the bravery of their own soldiers.

>

>

>The Pres. of USA said, "let me show u what is guts", where upon he called

>his Colonel and said "Jump into the sea and swim 3 rounds around this

>ship!". The Colonel replied "Anything for Uncle Sam, Sir", and jumped into

>the shark infested sea and swam 3 rounds around the ship, with the sharks

>chasing him like mad! After the successful 3 rounds, the Colonel came up to

>the deck and said, "I did it for Uncle Sam Mr. President!". The proud US

>President replied "That's what I call guts!".

>

>The Prime Minister of UK became aggressive and quickly called his General

>and said "General, jump into the sea and swim 10 rounds around this ship!".

>

>The General replied "Anything for the Queen, Sir", and jumped into the

>shark infested sea and swam 10 rounds around the ship, with the sharks

>chasing him frantically. After the successful 10 rounds the 3-star General

>came up to the deck and said, "Long Live the Queen!".

>

>The proud UK PM replied "That's what I call guts!"

>

>The Prime Minister of Singapore cannot control himself. He had to show that

>his soldiers have it too. He called one of his Private and said "Soldier,

>jump into the sea and swim 15 rounds around this ship!".

>

>The Private replied "Oi, you siao (crazy) izzit?" I juz bought my 4-room

>and I am paying through my nose. Now, U want me to jump and die, eh? If u

>want to hao lian (show off), you jump into the sea yourself!

>

>The Singapore PM smiled and said "Now,that's what I call guts!".

>

[Boon Mee]

Can't help posting one more M. Jackson:

Q: Know when it's bed time at Michael Jackson's House?

A: When the big hand touches the little hand.

(promise that's the last one)