Happy Marriage

[blazes]

I'd like to find out from your own personal experience (either direct or via good hearsay) what kind of guy is most likely to be happy in marriage with a Thai woman.

I have recently been talking to many ex-pats, all of them married or living with a Thai woman. Anecdotally, I would say that for every one who says he is happily married (or appears to be happily married) there are four or five who have nothing but bad to say about the cross-cultural marriage.

I don't want to hear about how guys are ripped off (or not), or any of the myriad problems that are well documented: but rather: what kind of person, no matter what your national origin, do you have to be to enjoy throwing in your lot with a Thai woman and her family?

Does it make any difference what your economic, social, psychological, marital etc etc background was in the Old Country? Do you have to be more tolerant than most people?

What sort of person should definitely not attempt to fit into the kind of Thai family life that marriage entails?

Thanks in advance for any contributions.

[Mario2008]

The fact that you are from different cultures is an important source of mis-communication and conflicts and a major reason why these kind of marriages fail more than marriage between people of the same cultural back-ground. I think it is important you both understand that and try to understand and be considered of each others culture.

[Lumumba]

Just like with any other woman, ----Rich and Stupid.

[Dakhar]

in my case, a never ending bank account, and a different address from where the wife lives with her mother. That was the Thai bride immage of a good marriage for her, my view is different from hers, so moving on with the divorce. Al though, life woud have been better with out the mother in law.

[barky]

Commonalities in spiritual values and fundamental beliefs are important.

Must be tertiary educated.

Must have independant means.

Must be in a socially respected profession.And is a hard worker.

Must be somewhat of an individual ie: doesn't conform to all social stereotypes. Is to some extent her own woman.

Is able to win the support of her immediate family and close friends or at least be strong enough to ensure that she can make up her own mind and her family respects her decission.

Only believes in divorce as the last resort. ie: can communicate and work-out problems.

Is understanding of the cultural differences and doesn't try to ram down your throat everything Thai.

Is not overly childish (I put "overly" because I've yet to meet a Thai that is not childish to some degree or other)

Is able to converse on different topics and is not addicted to Thai soaps and game shows.

Does not read the ubiquitous comics that you notice lots of Thais glued to. Instead reads Readers Digest, Nat Geo and the like.

Is well travelled and has has a realistic understanding that there are other societies beyond Thai boarders.Has preferably lived for some extended period (min 6 months) and NOT with Thai people in a western country

Can hold her own with intelegent conversation with non-Thais.

Her close friends hold socially respectable jobs.

Does not smoke and drinks alcohol rarely.

There is probably a few more things I could add to the list, but I think you get the drift.

These things will go a long way to ensuring your marriage with a Thai will be successful.

Edited August 6, 2010 by barky

[Huey]

Supprisingly the recipe for a successful cross cultural marriage here really isn't so complex. I would narrow it down to 2 basics.

1) Open Mindedness on both sides

2) Stay in one's class (for example, unless your the kind of guy that would be happy with a country bumpkin, semi literate farm hand or a stripper from your country don't go after one here. Find a woman with whom you have some common ground.)

[quiksilva]

In short you need to be the type of guy who can form normal happy committed relationships with women anywhere in the world. No reason for it to be different here.

If you are already this type of guy you wont need me to tell you who you should fall for and who you should not bring home to meet your mother!

Edited August 6, 2010 by quiksilva

[kikoman]

I believe that a man must not be rigid in his ways, be flexible, try different ways.

Be friendly and open with your new family and friends, we have long talks they in Thai ,I in Spanish or English, It is surprising how well you can bond.

Always have open communication, if you have a disagreement, let it go later sit down and talk it out. We use Thai-English dictionaries in those talks.

Do not demand that everything be done your way, learn some Thai ways.

Most important pick the right women, for the right reason.

Good Luck!

Cheers:

[BRichards]

It seems to me that what fascinates the expats about thai women are that they are poor and they are looking for material security. So i would say having a good income is very important in Thailand if it wasnt why would these Thai women go after expats who dont speak her language? Ok money and a low sex drive and not over thinking and not too emotional will healp. BR

[tmd5855]

If you have the secret for a succesful marriage then please share. I will be on my way to billionaire status within months.

Do not think there is any secret.

We all change as we get older, my tastes and views are different now than 25 years ago.

What I wanted then, not need, nor want now.

My views.

If you are a good guy you want a good woman.

Neither of you must have a hidden agenda.

I.E.

Woman thinking she will change him to her thinking when married. Man thinking, that can stop after the wedding.

Simplistic I know but so are many fatal arguments.

You and she must be on the same intellectual level.

Living miles away from civilisation, your best friend (wife) better have same views, interests and hopes/desires for the future.

Understanding.

No one is top dog and his/her views are the only ones tolerated/accepted. Ability to listen to the other view point, no matter what.

The ability to say "Okay we agree to disagree" is a must.

You understand her culture and can put on the Thai glasses and thinking cap when needed.

You are in their country so your culture to her will be taken care of, if she respects your feelings, senses and/or understands your moods and non-thai ways, but most importantly, gives you face.

I am happy with my long term GF of 5 years now.

She understands my past and why everything is slow and steady.

Can see that what I say I will do does happen. She sits me down, tells me her problems and how she feels. I do same.

Keep reminding myself she is not moaning but telling me how she feels. She sits and listens to me.

Maybe it is my age and now being laid back more with my life. But could not and would not wish for any better or any other woman to be a part of my life.

As for those guys who where ripped off. 90% of the cases, I could see it coming. They were both blind and faults were on both sides. Never talked, and the guy usually started the short time route.

We all know what would happen with a cuacasian woman if a man behaved that way, why should an Asian female feel infidelity does not matter or not a concern. (FACE)

[tmd5855]

In short you need to be the type of guy who can form normal happy committed relationships with women anywhere in the world. No reason for it to be different here.

If you are already this type of guy you wont need me to tell you who you should fall for and who you should not bring home to meet your mother!

In short. Perfect, comment/statement

Could not have condensed, abridged the above any better.

Full of common sense and a look yourself in the mirror first.

[tmd5855]

In short you need to be the type of guy who can form normal happy committed relationships with women anywhere in the world. No reason for it to be different here.

If you are already this type of guy you wont need me to tell you who you should fall for and who you should not bring home to meet your mother!

In short, you said the perfect quote. Simple!

[7by7]

Neither of you must have a hidden agenda.

I.E.

Woman thinking she will change him to her thinking when married. Man thinking, that can stop after the wedding.

Simplistic I know but so are many fatal arguments.

There is an old joke that says:-

A women expects her man to change after marriage; a man expects his woman not to.

The tragedy is that both are wrong!

We have been happily married for 10 years, and are as much, if not more, in love now as the day we were married.

Maybe the secret to our success is that I wasn't looking for a Thai wife and she wasn't looking for a Farang husband; we simply met and fell in love.

[hhgz]

"I'd like to find out from your own personal experience (either direct or via good hearsay) what kind of guy is most likely to be happy in marriage with a Thai woman. I have recently been talking to many ex-pats, all of them married or living with a Thai woman. Anecdotally, I would say that for every one who says he is happily married (or appears to be happily married) there are four or five who have nothing but bad to say about the cross-cultural marriage."

Since you've already talked to guys on both sides, it would seem that you have your answer.

"I don't want to hear about how guys are ripped off (or not), or any of the myriad problems that are well documented: but rather: what kind of person, no matter what your national origin, do you have to be to enjoy throwing in your lot with a Thai woman and her family?"

Apparently, a guy who doesn't mind getting ripped off.

[tmd5855]

In short you need to be the type of guy who can form normal happy committed relationships with women anywhere in the world. No reason for it to be different here.

If you are already this type of guy you wont need me to tell you who you should fall for and who you should not bring home to meet your mother!

Sorry double post??

[blazes]

Thanks for the replies. I am the original poster.

Barky had a long list of things that the pooying should be (as opposed to the farang, which was what I was getting at).

However, Barky makes a good point: she should have some kind of post-secondary (tertiary) education. I have had experience only with Thai women who were university educated. I suspect that does make a difference, although what passes for university education in Thailand is pretty ropey, I think.

Let me with your permission extend the question: does anyone know how a well-educated farang fits in with life in the Issan village? For myself, I can contemplate such a life only with deep deep boredom.

Or, ok, not the village, but say Roi Et (where I am writing this). There are "Roi Ets' all over the world...little villages in Wales (where I come from) or Canada (where I also come from) and frankly I would not be able to live in a village, no matter where it is, simply cos of the boredom factor.

But I want to hear someone contradict my view of the Thai village, since it may be a deal-breaker between me and my university-educated teacher gf.

Thanks for all your patience.

[F1fanatic]

If you can't find a woman in your home country then you will be happy here - its easy to find a wife - unlike in your home country.

She may be uneducated, but the chances are the woman you meet will speak some English - her profession knows its necessary.

As for an 'educated' Westerner looking to fit in with an Issan village? Many have tried, and many have failed....

Having said that, a tiny minority live happily (whilst paying the family a monthly amount). The rest find that their wives leave them once they have a house etc. and think they can get enough to not make it worth their while putting up with a man they find loathsome.

Its the way it is. Most delude themselves until they're screwed. THEN, they learn the hard way....

p.s. have to add - I've said this over the years to sooo many posts and been told I was talking rubbish by sooo many posters. Later, they've been abandoned by their wives (and left, thankfully, with the child).

Edited August 6, 2010 by F1fanatic

[Peterbigeyes]

Supprisingly the recipe for a successful cross cultural marriage here really isn't so complex. I would narrow it down to 2 basics.

1) Open Mindedness on both sides

2) Stay in one's class (for example, unless your the kind of guy that would be happy with a country bumpkin, semi literate farm hand or a stripper from your country don't go after one here. Find a woman with whom you have some common ground.)

:D:D

[markwhite]

I'm not sure that my experience has anything to do with being married to a Thai woman or not. I've never been married before and so have nothing to compare it to.

Sure, some of the things said elsewhere in this thread apply - communication issues, different societal values and ways of doing things, and I suppose the good old differences between how men and women approach life.

For me, I know without any doubt at all, that in the past I was far too selfish and emotionally immature to be married. I wasn't prepared to allow someone to affect my way of life to the large extent that living with someone and having responsibilities towards would bring. I lived in a small, safe (and with hind-sight, empty) world largely consisting of work, alcohol and weed.

I got over it.

I've shared my life with my wife for over 4 years now, and we have a son for us to share our lives with. I don't drink or smoke anything anymore, have very little need for things like splurging money on unnecessary luxuries, or needing lots of time to do 'my thing' on my own. I've accepted and welcome the responsibilities I have, even though it's not always plain sailing at times.

But life's like that. It just took me a long while to come out from being under the anaesthetic that I'd poured down my throat for 20 years and realise that it was okay for life to hurt sometimes. And I do enjoy my life, whatever it brings. Mostly

Short answer: for me, definitely emotional maturity. About the other stuff, you'd have to ask my wife.

[DP25]

I'd like to find out from your own personal experience (either direct or via good hearsay) what kind of guy is most likely to be happy in marriage with a Thai woman.

I'm not sure what kind of guy would be most likely to be happy. But maybe we can find out what kind of guy would be unhappy, they all seem to be posters here

[donmac]

Supprisingly the recipe for a successful cross cultural marriage here really isn't so complex. I would narrow it down to 2 basics.

1) Open Mindedness on both sides

2) Stay in one's class (for example, unless your the kind of guy that would be happy with a country bumpkin, semi literate farm hand or a stripper from your country don't go after one here. Find a woman with whom you have some common ground.)

One sound like a aristocrat. Dont go near thai plebs you will catch semi-literate.

3 Dont be too racist.

[7by7]

She may be uneducated, but the chances are the woman you meet will speak some English - her profession knows its necessary.

Yes, she is uneducated, her parents couldn't afford the school fees. Yes, working in her aunt's shirt shop selling shirts to tourists did mean speaking some English was an advantage (she taught herself, which makes me very proud of her).

Having said that, a tiny minority live happily (whilst paying the family a monthly amount).

Yes, we have been living very happily for the last 10 years. No, we do not send her family a monthly amount, though we did pay for her dad to get some new glasses recently.

We also paid my step-son's university fees, though my wife insisted he also work part time to support himself. My step-daughter lives with us in England; does this count as sending money?

My wife has worked in England almost from the day she first arrived; at times having two jobs. Any money we have sent to her family was our money, not just mine.

The rest find that their wives leave them once they have a house etc. and think they can get enough to not make it worth their while putting up with a man they find loathsome.

Well , we've got a house in Bangkok, her son finished his university education three years ago and I'm off to join my wife in Bangkok tonight for his wedding next week. My step-daughter has finished her secondary schooling in England, though she has a place at a local college to start in September. So I guess you would say that my wife has got all she wants from me.

I am certain that you would be wrong. I fully expect her to be returning to the UK with me at the end of the month; I'll let you know if she doesn't!

I know from your past posts that you have had a bad experience with your marriage; but please do not stereotype all Thai women and all Farang/Thai relationships based upon that experience. I am not doing so, but you would not like it if I were to stereotype you as an embittered ex-wife whose husband traded her in for a younger model!

[eek]

CaII me pedantic, but i thought from the titIe that it was about aII farang/thai reIationships, but then i read that the question is posed to farang maIe/thai femaIe reIationships. I guess femaIe farang/ maIe thai reIationships are considered a bit of a non-entity.

But anyway, for me a good reIationship (marriage or otherwise) wouId be based on both peopIe wiIIing to compromise and have understanding of each other. SimiIar educationaI backgrounds (in the sense of what IeveI of education etc), simiIar standing in society, not toooo far from each others ages...basic stuff Iike that is usuaIIy good grounding for any relationship. Of course, reIationships without those eIements can stiII work..but depends on the individuaIs. I dont think there is any "formuIa".. I think its basicaIIy down to both individuaIs and how they respond to each other.

[7by7]

Well said, Eek.

[Fatdog]

Thanks for the replies. I am the original poster.

Barky had a long list of things that the pooying should be (as opposed to the farang, which was what I was getting at).

However, Barky makes a good point: she should have some kind of post-secondary (tertiary) education. I have had experience only with Thai women who were university educated. I suspect that does make a difference, although what passes for university education in Thailand is pretty ropey, I think.

Let me with your permission extend the question: does anyone know how a well-educated farang fits in with life in the Issan village? For myself, I can contemplate such a life only with deep deep boredom.

Or, ok, not the village, but say Roi Et (where I am writing this). There are "Roi Ets' all over the world...little villages in Wales (where I come from) or Canada (where I also come from) and frankly I would not be able to live in a village, no matter where it is, simply cos of the boredom factor.

But I want to hear someone contradict my view of the Thai village, since it may be a deal-breaker between me and my university-educated teacher gf.

Thanks for all your patience.

If you want to sit all day every day drinking beer and just looking on as the world passes you, yes you will be bored.

I spend quite a lot of time in my wife's village, also we will be moving there full time in the next year or 2, all going well.

I am quite well educated (ships masters certificate) and found it a bit boring sometimes in the village. Now however the time passes very quickly when I am there. I try to get involved in the day to day activates that go on every day. Wife's brother has a furniture making business, so I will help out there sometimes, when it is rice planting time, I will do that.

I go on long walks every morning, it is amazing the things you can see if you look.

I even do a bit of fishing in the river that is close.

When our house is being built next year that will keep me occupied for several months, and when it is completed then the garden becomes the focus.

I can get internet there also, but do not use it as much as when I am in Bangkok.

Another thing that helps in the village is to speak Thai, I speak a bit of Thai, enough to get by, but I am also trying to learn the local dialect.

And after the busy days then it is quite ok to sit down at night with the family and have a few drinks.

This works for me and I am very happy with life in the village.

FD

Edited August 8, 2010 by Fatdog

[bonobo]

I used to write a column on cross-cultural relationships for a US magazine.  So I have thought about the subject quite a bit, but not specifically Thai-Western relationships.  There are many different facets to this, but I will mention a few which I think are important.

1.  Both the husband and wife need to be open-minded.  Both have to accept things their spouse feels or believes due to culture.  Embrace the differences, enjoy them.

2.  Don't expect to change the other person.  When you decide to marry, marry the person en toto.

I knew a Marine who married a Thai woman.  He knew she was Buddhist when they were married.  And he knew Buddhists often have small shrines in the house.  Yet after a number of years, he started to obsess about it, a "heathen temple" in "my Christian house."  Admittedly, he may have been using that as a focal point for his overall unhappiness, but the fact his, he knew when he married that a shrine was part of the package.

3.  Marry into a culture which is compatible with your personality.  THere are cultures which will tend to match what is important to a person's personal needs and desires.  All individuals are different, of course, but if you like the comfort and security of an extended family, of having family gatherings each week, then you might find a good match in a Filipino or Mexican community.  If you are business-oriented and want a spouse to help you with that, one who will not hesitate to give instructions or to give you that kick in the butt when you get a little lazy, you might find a good match in a Chinese community.  If you want someone who has the affectations, at least, of "high class," of opera, art, fine dining, fashion, etc, a Russian might be a good match.

On the other hand, if you want to find someone to marry, but you want to go live in some small village or farm without contact from many others or relatives, then don't cast your net in the Philippines.  While you can certainly find a Filipino or Filipina who is not family-oriented and community-needy, most would probably not be able to live that kind of life.

4.  Marriages are difficult enough when both people are from the same culture and background.  Cross-cultural relationships have the handicap of fewer points of mutual reference.  And when language barriers crop up, that just makes it harder to understand who your spouse really is.  So I would recommend not marrying based solely on sex, money, or feeling your biological clock is ticking.  Find someone in which you have at least some degree of commonality.  Maybe it is an abiding love for nature.  Maybe it is exercise.  Maybe it is music.  Maybe it is religion.  Whatever it is, this can be an anchor to keep you together and happy when the bumps that affect every marriage eventually occur.  

I knew a Finnish woman who married an American man.  Their passion was antiquing.  She confided to me one day that she was very upset with her husband over something or other, but she was going to have to get over it by the next day because they had an antiquing excursion planned on that Saturday that she really wanted to enjoy with him.

Cross-cultural marriages can be joyful unions, as to which untold numbers of such marriages can attest.  But they can also lead to frustration, mostly, in my opinion, due to communications problems. So a person has to be willing to work at making a cross-cultural marriage a success.

[wolf5370]

Married 12 years and counting - 2 kids (and stopped counting). We still are very much in love. We are both faithful to eah other and have lived both in the west together (UK) and here (CM). We have had our ups and downs as everyone does over time, and its dealing with these that help maintain a healthy relationship. We met when I was in my mid 20's and she had almost reached hers (19) - we were introduced by family connections (her aunt was married to my ex-business partner) and we were chaperoned during our courtship! (2 years worth). She was a Anuban teacher (newly qualified) and I an IT Pro.

I think for long lasting relationships to stand a chance, there has to be trust from both sides (sure trust is earned, but its easier to trust a school teacher than a bar girl I would think). Whilst I don't doubt that a lucky strike is possible, I think a good courtship period makes sense - especially when there are cultural differences to take into account - I think many holiday romances turned into snap marriages fail because of the culture shock. Having similar characteristics helps too - sure opposites attract, but they don't often last - age gap is one, eduation (or at least intelligence) is another, interests is a third and expectations is a fourth.

I have helped family over time, and they have helped us too. I have never paid any retinue (even the sinsot was returned after the wedding ceremony as I was told it would be - just for show). Her father is a retured navy officer and her mother used to own a restaurant - she was brought up by her grandparents (as dad was serving when she was young) and has very traditional values (real traditions not con-the-farang-made-up-on-the-spot traditions). She has family in several European countries (and had when we first met), so she had some knowledge outside of Thailand. She taught English to the kids at a basic level, so had some English when we met - I had some Thai having been in business with a Thai for a few years - and having had a Thai school friend as my best mate through school. I was luky this way, Thai culture was not much of a shock for me by the time I eventually arrived the first time.

There are some quite disturbing (though expected) analysis in this thread. It amazes me how many people (even here on a Thai biased website) still think all foreigners (I guess with male as the foreigner) hook up with bar girls, have 40 year age gaps, make monthly sick-buffalo payments and are dumped at the first signs of the money running out.l Its complete, out dated, trash. There are some that fit this scenario and many that do not - and I mean many (not a tiny percentage as quoted). My wife flies off the the UK to work, she has a contract there (actually two) and flies home when her contrct is over plus holidays. She has done that since last year. She earns more than I do and send much of her money home to me to pay for the household and kids.