Married To A Falang

[XXpate48USA]

my gut says have a PI check that she wasn't already married when you got hitched and isn't shacked up with a "brother" while you are away.

This is the case in the majority of Thai women's lives. Ever heard of the words "Geek", "Shoe", or "Pua Noi".

If she has any number of these or Tilacks, the family will never lose face and tell you.

They will always stand behind the Thai side of things and the Farang will be the one on the outs.

Even taking care of family etc will not protect you.

Learn this lesson well my friends.

Better to rent than to buy here in Thailand.

Thanks, Tacoboy!

I thought about doing that PI thing awhile back but I have pretty much heard enough "storys"

that I am more than convinced that there is a lot more going on than I am included in knowing.

Why pay for something I already know! If she won't live just 4 hour drive away from the large family in Chiang mai, with her husband she suposedly loves then it's either pressure from the MIL and FIL to keep me at hand to pay for the bills. I had no problem sending 5 or even 10k per month to help the family out. Her reasoning is she says...is that she doen't like CM and she doesn't know anybody there.....I am thinking....hmmm I am with her and I sure as heck don't know anyone there either but at least we would have a decent comfortable home and CM is big enough and has everything that is needed not to mention is cheaper than BKK. I have driven all over CM when we stay/lived there and I can find my way around just fine. The thing is, the rest of her clan is not close at hand and I figured that is the best way. If I am not enough company for her while we meet other people/friends in CM then what and who am I to her?....I am perfectly happy to move half way around the world but she can't move 4 hr drive from her family to make a life with me while I learn to speak thai better etc. Not to mention there are more english speaking people living in CM than where her town is and I told her after I learn to speak thai fluently then I am more apt to live closer to her family....maybe 3 hrs..haha....anyway, it seems to me a bust either way at this point....too much water under the bridge. This wife of mine is one stubborn little lady with a temper to match. I learned I would never win an argument EVER and learned just to let her get it off her chest and then she is better., In other words I just clam up and let her talk....Never, and I mean never try and argue with a thai wife.....it is futile.....even if you are right!!.....take it and let it go..........cheers, bro..:jap:

[richard_smith237]

most heart warming thread. its better than 'a christmas carol' and maybe will save some victims next year. bravo!

Yes, Loz, heartwarming for sure! maybe more like enlightening!! but if this little story helps another FOB naive falang then I suppose it is good. This little lesson all together, I would say cost me close to 800,000baht not to mention the loss of dignity and self image letting this all happen..

I wish most of the storys were on a high note from us falang. It does seem that this is a relatively regular type story of a falangs experience in LOS. I just wish generosity and jai dee were seen for just what it is, and not as stupidity. But on the other hand, it is their learned culture whether it is good or bad is not for me to decide. All I know is my little part and a few from some others. I do realize that many falang/thai marriages are or become happy after settling in for awhile and both try to understand each other and it takes hard work from BOTH.

It's time for me to move along and just try and forget and also rebuild what self respect I lost along this little journey. I don't hold any grudges and understand that is just how it is in the land of Los.

I will point out one thing I am sure about. Thailand as far as living and marrying into a thai/falang marriage and assimilating and have it all work is for only a select few type of people. For the rest of us, a visit or tour would be the best bet as there is quite a difference touring and living in Los.......Merry xmas and thanks for your input, loz.......

There are plenty of good stories, but it doesn't seem to make good forum reading unless there is an issue...

My wife and I are at the airport lounge after being dropped off by my wifes parents along with a bag full of Christmas presents (from my inlaws) for my nephews.

It was wai's hugs and kisses all round and a feeling that we'll be missed for these few weeks, that feeling is mutual. Very normal really, not really great forum reading but life for many of us foreigners in Thailand is just that, normal, and as we would expect life in general in our home countries.

[XXpate48USA]

most heart warming thread. its better than 'a christmas carol' and maybe will save some victims next year. bravo!

Yes, Loz, heartwarming for sure! maybe more like enlightening!! but if this little story helps another FOB naive falang then I suppose it is good. This little lesson all together, I would say cost me close to 800,000baht not to mention the loss of dignity and self image letting this all happen..

I wish most of the storys were on a high note from us falang. It does seem that this is a relatively regular type story of a falangs experience in LOS. I just wish generosity and jai dee were seen for just what it is, and not as stupidity. But on the other hand, it is their learned culture whether it is good or bad is not for me to decide. All I know is my little part and a few from some others. I do realize that many falang/thai marriages are or become happy after settling in for awhile and both try to understand each other and it takes hard work from BOTH.

It's time for me to move along and just try and forget and also rebuild what self respect I lost along this little journey. I don't hold any grudges and understand that is just how it is in the land of Los.

I will point out one thing I am sure about. Thailand as far as living and marrying into a thai/falang marriage and assimilating and have it all work is for only a select few type of people. For the rest of us, a visit or tour would be the best bet as there is quite a difference touring and living in Los.......Merry xmas and thanks for your input, loz.......

There are plenty of good stories, but it doesn't seem to make good forum reading unless there is an issue...

My wife and I are at the airport lounge after being dropped off by my wifes parents along with a bag full of Christmas presents (from my inlaws) for my nephews.

It was wai's hugs and kisses all round and a feeling that we'll be missed for these few weeks, that feeling is mutual. Very normal really, not really great forum reading but life for many of us foreigners in Thailand is just that, normal, and as we would expect life in general in our home countries.

Richard,

Well, congratulations of making a good thing! I'm jealous,...

Thanks for your input also, and have a Merry Christmas and another good year!

You're right, we have to have a little bit of something to make good reading...

take care! and stay happy!

[bina]

this is not absolutely on the main subject however: when u marry a person, u should know ahead of time that u are marrying also the cultural norms. some people can change, some cant and some can adapt partially to them. to village poeple almost any where in the world, the constant moving and being far from family/clan, is considered not ideal, or even down right wrong. i can count on my hands, out of ten families here, seven are living withing the same town (kibbuz) or within a ten minute drive from family here. usually the wife's family. its a fact of life and considered a good quality here as in 'oh, u live near your parents, wow thats great they must be so pleased u can help outblablablab'.

thais are the same. they may leave family and children to work, but only for work. not for just 'getting away from the family'. being far is seen as a neccesity.

thsi has nothing to do with love for a husband/wife, however, most of us can agree that husbands and wives are more expendable then family is. when a person divorces, support is received (in what i would consider normal)from family. your family. not the divorce side of the family. so yes, blood is probably better off being thicker then water for practical purposes.

moving to a new town: thais are clannish so moving to a new town, the first thing a thai usually does is try to find someone else from the same area. otherwise no fast good friends will ever be formed. as in 'almost like kin' friends. w/o this support system, most thai wives/husbands probably feel lost, they have no way of finding connections to get a job, loans, burrow/get help etc.

this carries over to being in a foreign country. the thais here seem to first find out where others are from (changwat), thennarrow it down to amphur and muubaan. u are from korat, so are we, and they become the 'brothers' away from the blood tie family. so i can understand a woman not wanting to move away from her village just cause its comfortable. comfort takes many shapes.

also about buying stuff. ive noticed that also here, if a thai asks me to buy him something, it is expected that i will add 10 shekels to the price. here if i buy something for one of my friends, i am expected to bring the receipt and they would give me the exact amount. among the thais, its not done that way. so if i ask them to do something /buy something for me, i know that i will pay an additional percent of the cost. or i buy it on my own.

and last of course: learn the language, easier to not 'misunderstand' if u can understand what the hell people are gossiping about behind your back, or around u.

its a lot about false or not appropriate expectations. u dont buy a thoroughbred to work with cattle. u dont buy a shitzu to hunt ducks. u cant take someone from one place and time and excpect that they will fit an image u build based on your own experiences.

bina

israel

[GreenSnapper]

I am Thai-Chinese, my husband is American. My family never accepted him. Not because of some misbehaviour but because his income is less than a million Dollars a year.

I can feel with you.

Some men are really poor.....

[Lumumba]

I 'was' happily married for 11 years, but then again, I wish you all the best of luck in your relationship.

But my only advice would be that you dont hang in there a minute longer than necessary. Once the arrow head starts pointing south, deploy the life rafts.

[XXpate48USA]

I am Thai-Chinese, my husband is American. My family never accepted him. Not because of some misbehaviour but because his income is less than a million Dollars a year.

I can feel with you.

Some men are really poor.....

I feel for me too, thanks

I make the same amount as the prime minister of Thailand and still am being swallowed up....howzat?...

[XXpate48USA]

I 'was' happily married for 11 years, but then again, I wish you all the best of luck in your relationship.

But my only advice would be that you dont hang in there a minute longer than necessary. Once the arrow head starts pointing south, deploy the life rafts.

You are absolutly correct!!..My mother always told me I am too generous for my own good! Now, that can be taken for stupidity or just a good heart. I like think good heart but now I am wondering.........A generous man is a fool in Thailand!!...I am seen as a stupid falang, I am afraid!.....(there)........the life raft was inflated after the 10th consecutive lie......splash!!!

abandon boat!!!!!!!!.........I will lose everything if the raft does not float and it was sinking fast. But I am home safe in my own home watching my large screen tv in a reclinder yet!!....wow, a recliner lazy boy......lotsa dem in Thailand huh.....yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa right!

ahhhhhhhhhhhhh The only lazy boy there was the wifes brother asking for loans all the time!!

[ABCinSG]

I'm young, with my fair share of failed relationships with Thai women, and have yet to place a ring on any. But here are my thoughts.

There are many ways your situation can be interpreted, as shown by the previous replies. Ultimately though, it falls down to you, and your wife.

On your part:

Can you really take the extra step, and really try to integrate yourself into Thai culture?

It is going to be hard, and more often then not, down-right frustrating. It's going to be more confusing then algebra and sometimes totally distasteful. Can you do it? Can you show your mother-in-law the respect she demands, for example?

Can you accept that you will always be treated as a "second-class family member"?

Perhaps not always, perhaps an opportunity will arise where you can prove to her family that you deserve to be treated as a true family member, and not just by title. But in the event that doesn't happen, can you accept it? Be it under the same roof, or miles away, this will still be an issue.

Can you pronounce "mai pen rai", and mean it?

Like how most Thais live their life, can you say those words, mean it, and move on? I have noticed many who live in Thailand and my country are unable to truly mean those words. They have ideologies that they just refuse to release their iron grip on, in fear of "being tamed" or "losing control". It is based largely on perception. Look at it this way. You are now like a rock at the shore, standing proud against the waves. But over time, the waves battering is going to wear you, which I believe is already now, and someday, you will just crumble. They are not expecting you to be a pebble to be pushed around by the waves at it's whim, but rather, they are expecting you to be like water itself, and flow with them.

On her part:

She knows you have issues, how is she dealing with it?

From what I understand, she knows. But how is she reacting to it? Is she supportive? Don't forget, it is her country, her town, her house and her family. She has to "save face", both for herself and her family, which even includes you! That does put a lot of stress on her. If she seems irritated and talks to you in such a manner, perhaps you could just ask her to be understand as you try to adjust yourself. And of course, do adjust yourself if you ask.

Would she be willing to leave Thailand in the future?

I believe, after being abroad for an extended period of time, she is terribly homesick, and wouldn't want to step out of Thailand again. But perhaps, after a while, she might just get bitten by the wanderlust bug, or at least be more open to leaving for an extended time and that would be your prime opportunity to ask the question again.

Patience, humility and sacrifice are virtues which seems to be much needed here. Sans time and money spent with her, how long can you wait, how much are you willing to bare, and how much can you let go for the sake of love, for your wife?

And of course, the one question that has to be asked (Perhaps at the beginning!):

How much does your wife mean to you?

Your options of course, really revolve around the two that has constantly been presented to you. But remember, seldom does life throw you an ultimatum, and you do have varying degrees of flexibility. Perhaps an option that allows you and your wife to meet "halfway" might be great, like Annyling!

As a side note, welcome to Singapore Annyling and husband of Annyling, where it is always sunny... and bloody humid!

[alexth]

Try to adapt and understand them and you're gonna be fine

[XXpate48USA]

Try to adapt and understand them and you're gonna be fine

I suppose in some cases this could be. I myself have tried to at least meet her half way and more than half way. At the beginning she had told me she would live anywhere in Thailand with me and then after awhile she wanted me to live with her at her parents home which, of course will be hers one day. The reason is.( I belive) She wants the money put into what will be her house before getting our own together. I figured if I can move half way around the world for her, the least she could do would be to live 3 hr drive from her family and visit often and help out her parents with a few k each month and visit.

Now, she says she will live anywhere with me etc. I have had too many lies now and don't know what is true and not true. Tonight I was told now that her brother paid the loan back and bought a satelite dish for her. I asked her why she didn't tell me and she said she was lazy to tell me. Soo, I am left out of the loop and still thinking he owes me that loan. Well, what is the truth??? Last week she wanted me to send the money for the satelite dish etc. Her brother owed me 13,000baht....I never saw a penny nor did a word get said about paying it back.

Now,she says she will come to the US but only if she can work and make money. I told her that's ok but I would think the main reason for coming would be to be with her husband. No, it is for work to make money. Am I wrong on the right reason for coming to America? I don't care if she wanted to work, that's fine, but should that be a prerequisite of coming? to work and she won't come if she can't work?.....i make plenty for us both with plenty to help her family also. What's with that?...Everything is Money Money....sad hmm

[robblok]

Try to adapt and understand them and you're gonna be fine

I suppose in some cases this could be. I myself have tried to at least meet her half way and more than half way. At the beginning she had told me she would live anywhere in Thailand with me and then after awhile she wanted me to live with her at her parents home which, of course will be hers one day. The reason is.( I belive) She wants the money put into what will be her house before getting our own together. I figured if I can move half way around the world for her, the least she could do would be to live 3 hr drive from her family and visit often and help out her parents with a few k each month and visit.

Now, she says she will live anywhere with me etc. I have had too many lies now and don't know what is true and not true. Tonight I was told now that her brother paid the loan back and bought a satelite dish for her. I asked her why she didn't tell me and she said she was lazy to tell me. Soo, I am left out of the loop and still thinking he owes me that loan. Well, what is the truth??? Last week she wanted me to send the money for the satelite dish etc. Her brother owed me 13,000baht....I never saw a penny nor did a word get said about paying it back.

Now,she says she will come to the US but only if she can work and make money. I told her that's ok but I would think the main reason for coming would be to be with her husband. No, it is for work to make money. Am I wrong on the right reason for coming to America? I don't care if she wanted to work, that's fine, but should that be a prerequisite of coming? to work and she won't come if she can't work?.....i make plenty for us both with plenty to help her family also. What's with that?...Everything is Money Money....sad hmm

Im not sure and no expert but supposed by coming to the USA even though you married in Thailand she will get the same rights as normal woman in the USA.. Then she might be entitled to a lot more of your money.

[XXpate48USA]

Try to adapt and understand them and you're gonna be fine

I suppose in some cases this could be. I myself have tried to at least meet her half way and more than half way. At the beginning she had told me she would live anywhere in Thailand with me and then after awhile she wanted me to live with her at her parents home which, of course will be hers one day. The reason is.( I belive) She wants the money put into what will be her house before getting our own together. I figured if I can move half way around the world for her, the least she could do would be to live 3 hr drive from her family and visit often and help out her parents with a few k each month and visit.

Now, she says she will live anywhere with me etc. I have had too many lies now and don't know what is true and not true. Tonight I was told now that her brother paid the loan back and bought a satelite dish for her. I asked her why she didn't tell me and she said she was lazy to tell me. Soo, I am left out of the loop and still thinking he owes me that loan. Well, what is the truth??? Last week she wanted me to send the money for the satelite dish etc. Her brother owed me 13,000baht....I never saw a penny nor did a word get said about paying it back.

Now,she says she will come to the US but only if she can work and make money. I told her that's ok but I would think the main reason for coming would be to be with her husband. No, it is for work to make money. Am I wrong on the right reason for coming to America? I don't care if she wanted to work, that's fine, but should that be a prerequisite of coming? to work and she won't come if she can't work?.....i make plenty for us both with plenty to help her family also. What's with that?...Everything is Money Money....sad hmm

Im not sure and no expert but supposed by coming to the USA even though you married in Thailand she will get the same rights as normal woman in the USA.. Then she might be entitled to a lot more of your money.

don't think i hadn't thought of that. it will be awhile before i sign that 'afidavit of support' and sign her as my benificiary. if she does come it will be on a tour visa first, for sure,...I am not into losing everything I have worked hard for all my life! Although in the USA it is pretty close to the same as far as assets. If what I had before marriage was mine it will stay mine. I am not sure about support though. In my State it seems fair and they don't have alimony etc. sooo....but yes, you are right....if she came and things went arai, she could go get government help and guess who would be paying that?....yep....me!....so, It is best to live in Thailand if you can deal with things and have a give and take GOOD marriage where my culture is taken into account also.....thanks!....Happy New year!

[PingManDan]

First off it is Farang not Falang, sounds like falang, only because Thai's can not pronounce the "R"