Traveling Alone

[harvestmoon86]

I have been traveling for the past 2 months around Southeast Asia. At first I had friends around, but they have gradually all gone home, and I have been on my own for 3 weeks, with another 3 weeks to go. The plus side is that my family lives in Bangkok so I have a "home base" to come back to every two weeks or so, to relax for a few days and gather my strength. I also grew up in Thailand so as far as survival tools, I have some advantages over other travelers.

However, in the weeks I have spent alone, I have lost a great deal of confidence. For one, the loneliness has been bothering me increasingly everyday. I tend to remedy this by going online/texting/calling people way too often, which means that I tend to spend more money on rooms with wifi when I really don't need to, and I spend more time in my room than necessary, just procrastinating starting my day. I have indeed met other travelers, but they have always been in pairs/groups, and seem to have a tight agenda whereas I'm just roaming about playing things by ear. Another issue I am having is dealing with unwanted attention. A young foreign girl walking down the street by herself tends to draw a lot of stares from the locals. I am particularly paranoid whenever I have to pass a group of local men. It almost always goes like this: one man says something, the group breaks out into laughter, then one of them shouts "Where you go?" as I walk by. I know this isn't a big deal, but day after day it gets exhausting and extremely annoying. When confronted with an individual local man, such as a waiter, guide, taxi driver, etc, the small talk always leads to the fact that I am traveling alone, which is usually followed by a slew of questions/comments about my relationship status (I've discovered that lying about having a bf doesn't help either)... "Do you have a boyfriend? Where is he from? Why didn't he come with you? Why don't you want a Thai/Cambodian/Vietnamese boyfriend? You can have one boyfriend here while he is away..." etc etc. I even had one Cambodian motorcycle driver stalk me for a few days, leaving notes/gifts at my hotel (and repeatedly asking the staff for my room #), showing up wherever I was eating and inviting himself to sit down at my table, even paying for and picking up my laundry without my consent. I eventually was forced to change guesthouses, but it was unfortunate because I had to move away from the main area of the city and isolate myself even more. Maybe it's my fault, I just need to learn better coping skills? Stop being such a baby? I don't know. I am a sensitive person but I can usually hold my own. Lately I have been feeling overwhelmed and unmotivated.

I am now coming to the end of my travels with only 3 weeks left. I just went to Chiang Mai with the intention of going to Laos after, but for some reason I became extremely miserable and paranoid and decided to go back to Bangkok for a few days and then go to Laos from there. I am a bit disappointed in myself for being a baby and not sticking to my original plan. However that's all said and done, now I just need to build up my confidence to make this trip to Laos on my own, because I've been studying Lao for months and I have been looking forward to it for so long now. Why am I so depressed? Is this just a lone-traveler phase? How can I overcome this?

I really need some advice, preferably not "Get out of Southeast Asia if you're so miserable".

[MiG16]

hi harvestmoon

you should be feeling good about yourself. that you are able to do all the travelling in places that is different to what you are so used to in so many ways.

in terms of the attention you receive. dont let that get to you (and I totally understand that receiving attention is not always a good thing).

Ive had similar experiences in different places. depending how safe I am feeling, my reaction will be different. but usually I have now learnt to simply smile (when receiving compliments/hellos/questions), but not pausing, not turning to look at them. but always keep a smile on but continue to do what you do.

dont make eye contact with them

works better if you are simply walking somwhere.

if u are sitting down at a cafe, might be a bit more awkward. but again, dont engage in conversations. pretend u dont understand what they are saying. but remember to ALWAYS smile. smiling in a way to not encourage them means you DONT look directly at them. but dont make it a 'shy' smile

hope it helps a little. and im sure others will have more practical ideas to share with you.

Ive not been to Laos, but friends that have been told me how beautiful it is. and that the people are very nice (possibly more relaxed than in places like Cambodia). so make sure you get to visit. dont let a few people ruin your plans. take precautions, but still enjoy yourself

[eek]

HI Harvestmoon, may I ask your age?

Just that i have enjoyed traveling solo (im 38, and i first came here when i was 33/34, which is when i did most of my solo traveling. If you are quite young, i think may be more difficult).

I had a few things i did. I didnt travel alone after dark. I always told taxi drivers, waiters, etc, that i am waiting for or meeting my husband. My tone was firm and if they tried to carry on a conversation that i wasnt comfortable with, i would talk on my phone (even if a fake phone call..at times confirming meeting my *pretend* partner/husband). I took to wearing a ring on my wedding finger. I always tried to give an air of confidence and authority and dressed modestly/politely and at times dressed up (as in dressed well. By being dressed well, I found i was less likely to have anyone dare make any kind of comment or suggestion). Never walk around with a map or guide book, or a look of wondering where you are. Look like you have purpose and know what you are doing. If you need help, ask a concierge or similar, in a hotel, or someone in authority (ie: policeman). Dont ask on a street where people can observe you being given directions etc.

I find if you look like you know what you are doing, are confident, and would not tolerate bad manners, you usually dont get too much nonsense.

Not sure if thats heartening or disheartening, but if you fake confidence, it usually ends up coming to you, and that is reflected in your body language and tone of voice. In turn, should hopefully make your traveling experience more comfortable in the unwanted attention department.

Take heart..and good luck.

Edited February 19, 2011 by eek

[Sheryl]

Yes, discourage conversations with local men unless they are in a group that includes women.

Don't hesitate to lie, say you are traveling with your husband but he's back at the hotel etc.

In general say as little as possible (but NEVER admit to being unmarried or traveling alone)

Don't worry about seeming snobbish/unfriendly. It's a necessary defense. What you intend as politeness will be misconstrued by some men to be an invitation.

[canadiangirl]

Hi Harvestmoon, I understand where you're coming from. I'm 33 and have travelled by myself a fair bit around Thailand and SEA and have experienced a lot of the problems you describe.

I found for loneliness, it often helps to always have a good book when travelling alone. If you don't manage to meet people, at least you can have the comfort of reading a good book in your room or in a cafe. Meeting people is tough...when I really wanted to meet people travelling, somehow I ended feeling needy and ackward and not really meeting people, once I stopped caring, I could meet tons of people -- it's one of those annoying paradoxes of human relationships. It does help to stay in a busy hostel with some kind of common space instead of a hotel. Don't be discouraged by people being in couples, too, often couples travelling for a long time together are totally sick of being alone together and welcome a third wheel/breath of fresh air!

As for harassment, here's where you have to be tough. Thailand just have epic amounts of people who are always calling at you from the streets (touts, etc), and it's super annoying. You can basically have to ignore them all, and make no eye contact with them. If any of them talk to you, you ALWAYS have a husband that's waiting for you. Don't be afraid to brush them off -- you don't owe them your attention. Eye contact is a big thing -- I used to get harassed SO MUCH walking through Soi Arab on my way to the B hospital...then I figured out to make eye contact with NO ONE, and I almost never get harassed anymore. I ignore men who try to talk to me on the street --- if they want women to be polite to them, they should find a more polite way of meeting them.

I was in Krabi a few days ago and I had exactly the same problem "hey beautiful girl, where you go", some of them quite aggressive and annoying, so I feel your pain. If we're being annoyed in the daytime (at nighttime, I just don't talk to strange guys at all) one put down in Thai that's not super mean but will make a guy's friends all laugh at him if he's in a group, is when someone pulls the whole "beautiful girl, where you go crap", you can say "oh pak waaan" -- like sweet talker, but with a bigger connotation of being insincere. This always make a guy's friends laugh at him, I find. :-P

[BigCan]

Hi,

I have felt that way too. I came on my own to teach over four years ago. I tried to deal with the catcalls and unwanted attention in a joking way at first (that was how I did it back home), then I moved on to the shy but polite foreigner way (soft smile, eyes down, do not engage), but after a while I started taking cues from the Thai girls around me. If they were unimpressed with a man (who was a stranger) they glared at him. Not shy, thai girl at all. They looked at him with disapproval, never broke stride and kept on walking. I tried that out and it worked for me. Not an angry glare, just more of a 'teacher look'. It made me feel better because I was not fobbing off the situation with a smile and 3 times I have actually received apologies. (Two shouted sorry's and one follow me to say 'kaw tote' and then promptly back off.) Which was nice.

It can be hard, but source your strength. Do not be aggressive, but there are ways to silently say that you will not be treated like that. Worked for me anyway, felt like I had some power back.

I hope you are feeling better soon. Everyone goes through down times when are they traveling. You have come a long way and I am sure you have a lot you can be proud of and source strength from.

B.C

[sbk]

Agree with BigCan on this one, with a Thai man act completely offended and in a very outraged manner. They know they are breaking the rules and figure because you are a foreigner they can get away with it, but if you react in the same way a Thai woman would, they back right down.

I've had bigger problems with foreigners who fail to remember how to talk in a decent manner to a woman and think that their rude sexual innuendos will somehow appeal

[aussiechick]

Agree with BigCan on this one, with a Thai man act completely offended and in a very outraged manner. They know they are breaking the rules and figure because you are a foreigner they can get away with it, but if you react in the same way a Thai woman would, they back right down.

I've had bigger problems with foreigners who fail to remember how to talk in a decent manner to a woman and think that their rude sexual innuendos will somehow appeal

I agree with BigCan as well.

Also must say SBK is right that it is a problem with foreigners who assume cause you are here they can make comments and suggestions that they wouldn't do at "home" (I hope). Especially difficult when I live in Pattaya but usually I can come back with a comment that either shuts them up or the people around start laughing so they are then embarrased by their behaviour.

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