Should I Tell Her I Had A Vasectomy?

[kerryk]

Should I tell her I had a vasectomy?

She is 40, decent job, never been married no children.

We have never discussed having children. Have talked about marriage a couple of years down the road if all goes well.

I have a couple of grown children that she knows about. I really think 40 is too late for a woman to have children and I would never consider a vasectomy reversal. I know one guy who did. Too painful.

[Warhammer820]

If you care about her i think you should tell her as soon as possible. If this is a deal breaker it will save you a lot of pain. If y'all are just playing then i see no reason to say anything. This is just my opinion

Edited June 29, 2011 by Warhammer820

[cardholder]

How long have you known your partner ?

[kerryk]

If you care about her i think you should tell her as soon as possible. If this is a deal breaker it will save you a lot of pain. If y'all are just playing then i see no reason to say anything. This is just my opinion

I have known her for a few months no sex. We are making plans to spend the upcoming holiday together out of town. So I assume she has plans to consummate the relationship. I am OK with it turning into an exclusive relationship but I am not a love struck teenager anymore. I do think it would be interesting if she is trying to get pregnant. Using me, as it were. Or perhaps she is willing to let fate take its course. I had the vasectomy 20 years ago and had it tested in addition to 20 years of trials. I know it is still in place.

[sbk]

So why play games? Just tell her.

[Warhammer820]

I hope you make the right choice buddy

[Soutpeel]

If you care about her i think you should tell her as soon as possible. If this is a deal breaker it will save you a lot of pain. If y'all are just playing then i see no reason to say anything. This is just my opinion

I have known her for a few months no sex. We are making plans to spend the upcoming holiday together out of town. So I assume she has plans to consummate the relationship. I am OK with it turning into an exclusive relationship but I am not a love struck teenager anymore. I do think it would be interesting if she is trying to get pregnant. Using me, as it were. Or perhaps she is willing to let fate take its course. I had the vasectomy 20 years ago and had it tested in addition to 20 years of trials. I know it is still in place.

If the subject has never been brought up.....leave it alone at moment, this would be conversation for much later...

[cardholder]

So why play games? Just tell her.

I agree - there is absolutely NO reason not to tell her.

If you have long-term intentions I believe you have a moral obligation to tell her - at least to avoid any criticism of 'leading her on'.

I have heard that nearly all Thai ladies retain their maternal instincts well into their forties.

I would be concerned about the fact that you are already stereo-typing her as someone who might only interested in your sperm. fascinating conclusion given that you haven't shagged her yet.

"I assume she has plans to consummate the relationship" - You are not party to planning? - are you sure it's not a mother you need, rather than a girlfriend ?

[californiabeachboy]

Tell her!! Why would you wait? - that information is going to come out anyway (sorry, bad choice of words). Why not be honest with her? - she needs to know, and you need to know depth of your relationship.

Edited June 29, 2011 by californiabeachboy

[DP25]

So why play games? Just tell her.

He wants to have sex with her first

[Patronus]

So why play games? Just tell her.

He wants to have sex with her first

He (or she) hasn't bothered in the last few months.

She is obviously intending just to use him as a stud - I wouldn't tell her.

Edited June 29, 2011 by Patronus

[Warhammer820]

Or maybe she does not want to be alone. I know i don't...

[meom]

So why play games? Just tell her.

He wants to have sex with her first

Why not?

Sex is just another way to get to know each other better.

After one year of sex the time might be right to discuss kids so nothing to worry about now I suppose.

[MiG16]

If u are undecided then sure wait one year

But if u are already certain of your stand on the issue it would be interesting to hear those who are of the opinion not to tell - what your reasons might be for that?

Seems you suspect telling her might change what she decides to do about the possibility of relationship.

If u are really thinking something long term - more reason to let her know

If you aren't thinking something long term - then maybe not necessary to let her know BUT you should make clear to her you are only looking at short term. There's ways to do that.

Anything apart from that - I won't say what I think.

[SomTumTiger]

So why play games? Just tell her.

He wants to have sex with her first

Why not?

Sex is just another way to get to know each other better.

After one year of sex the time might be right to discuss kids so nothing to worry about now I suppose.

Spoken like a man. Sex is "Just a way to get to know each other" - sure,for men. For women it usually has much stronger emotional connotations. If you don't tell her something that basic and topical (because it seems the conversation has come up already), after a few months of seeing her, I'd say you are one heartless s.o.b. There are plenty of 40 year olds who don't want kids, find one of those, and stop messing with people's emotions for the sake of your libido.

Edited June 29, 2011 by SomTumTiger

[Trembly]

I really think 40 is too late for a woman to have children and I would never consider a vasectomy reversal.

Given what you said I reckon you should just tell her.

What's the worse that could happen?

[meom]

So why play games? Just tell her.

He wants to have sex with her first

Why not?

Sex is just another way to get to know each other better.

After one year of sex the time might be right to discuss kids so nothing to worry about now I suppose.

Spoken like a man. Sex is "Just a way to get to know each other" - sure,for men. For women it usually has much stronger emotional connotations.

As a man how else am I supposed to speak?

[BuddhistDruid]

This may not be what you want to hear, but you should be aware of it in case your future wife is.

It is still possible to have a child even with a vasectomy through IVF. Typically, they will actually extract sperm directly from the testes in order to inseminate the egg. However, in many cases the sperm count after a vasectomy is not actually 0, but simply too low to cause a woman to get pregnant under ordinary conditions.

In these instances, a completely non invasive and painless solution can be used by simply centrifuging the semen and concentrating the remaining sperm. This concentrated sperm can then be used just as if it had been extracted.

I think before telling your wife of your vasectomy, you should discuss with her your desire not to have any more children. A vasectomy does not mean you can't have kids, only that you can not conceive without assistance. This is an extremely important area and not something to be trifled with. If you are dishonest with your wife and don't tell her of your condition, you may find yourself in a bitter argument when she wants you to go with her to an assisted reproduction clinic.

Don't fool around here. Be completely honest and up front. It is much better to have this discussion now than later.

[rixalex]

With regards your upcoming getaway, surely as people who have only recently met, you would be having protected sex anyway, vasectomy or no vasectomy.

[kerryk]

If u are undecided then sure wait one year

But if u are already certain of your stand on the issue it would be interesting to hear those who are of the opinion not to tell - what your reasons might be for that?

Seems you suspect telling her might change what she decides to do about the possibility of relationship.

If u are really thinking something long term - more reason to let her know

If you aren't thinking something long term - then maybe not necessary to let her know BUT you should make clear to her you are only looking at short term. There's ways to do that.

Anything apart from that - I won't say what I think.

Knowing how most Thai mothers think, I would imagine mom would like her to get married and have children. Since she is 40 and unmarried and without children it may mean she does not want the same things as mom. If I don't tell her and we don't have children she can blame it on a twist of fate and have no guilt feelings re mom, (“mom, honest we try every night”). Hence everyone is happy except mom and it's not mom's life anyway.

[kerryk]

With regards your upcoming getaway, surely as people who have only recently met, you would be having protected sex anyway, vasectomy or no vasectomy.

Because of a coincidence not related to sex or STD's we both went to a Thai hospital recently and had blood tests which were negative. So no real need from our viewpoint to worry about STD's.

[kerryk]

This may not be what you want to hear, but you should be aware of it in case your future wife is.

It is still possible to have a child even with a vasectomy through IVF. Typically, they will actually extract sperm directly from the testes in order to inseminate the egg. However, in many cases the sperm count after a vasectomy is not actually 0, but simply too low to cause a woman to get pregnant under ordinary conditions.

In these instances, a completely non invasive and painless solution can be used by simply centrifuging the semen and concentrating the remaining sperm. This concentrated sperm can then be used just as if it had been extracted.

I think before telling your wife of your vasectomy, you should discuss with her your desire not to have any more children. A vasectomy does not mean you can't have kids, only that you can not conceive without assistance. This is an extremely important area and not something to be trifled with. If you are dishonest with your wife and don't tell her of your condition, you may find yourself in a bitter argument when she wants you to go with her to an assisted reproduction clinic.

Don't fool around here. Be completely honest and up front. It is much better to have this discussion now than later.

That is really interesting and I didn't know about that at all. That also throws a completely new light on my thinking. If she really wants to have children, where there is a will there is a way.

So if after a few years of trying without success all she has to do is drag my old butt to the clinic and collect enough sperm to accomplish her objective. Seems almost a moot point if I tell her or not (except for the clinic discussion).

She has a staff of engineers working for her both Thai and foreign, so I am sure she is not too shy to tell me what she wants. Yesterday I watched her pay 10,000 b under the table to get a job done, she is also cool under pressure. I only mention this in case some of the readers think I am taking advantage of the poor woman. She is more than a match for any skills I may bring to the relationship.

[cardholder]

I would have this down as a troll post if the OP had not been around for 6 years.

[7by7]

I can't help wonder what the responses of those saying "Don't tell her" would be if this topic was "I'm a post op ladyboy and so can't have children; should I tell him?"

You both need to discuss your future together; whether each of you are looking for something long term or just a fling. In this discussion you both should be open and honest with each other. Her biological clock is ticking and just because she hasn't had children yet doesn't mean she doesn't want them at all. From what you say maybe her career has come first up to now. Telling her that you cannot give her a child may or may not be a deal breaker; but surely it's better to find that out sooner rather than later.

[kmj]

So let me get this right you can arsed to start a thread about it, but cant tell someone you discussed marriage with ??

[rixalex]

With regards your upcoming getaway, surely as people who have only recently met, you would be having protected sex anyway, vasectomy or no vasectomy.

Because of a coincidence not related to sex or STD's we both went to a Thai hospital recently and had blood tests which were negative. So no real need from our viewpoint to worry about STD's.

Fair enough then. You have my consent to proceed with sexual relations.

[BRichards]

About 40 being too old to have a baby. I have 2 kids by two different ladies. One was 40 when she gave birth to a healthy baby girl and the other was 42 which she gave birth to a healthy baby boy. Both with no complications. BR

[colinscarr]

If you REALLY think you'd like to marry her, then tell her NOW. Failure to do so will lead to her thinking you are deceitful and make her far less likely to want to marry you, or even stay married to you if you keep quiet until after the marriage.

But perhaps you are worried that TELLING her will make her less interested in you as a marriage prospect?... If so, you are being selfish as well as deceitful.

Sit down by yourself and quietly think this through. Imagine yourself in her position. How would you feel, finding out now, before making too many commitments, or later, when you're stuck with a husband who wouldn't tell you he couldn't have kids.

Edited for spelling

Edited June 29, 2011 by colinscarr

[Sheryl]

Given that the relationship has progressed to the stage of discussion of marriage,

(1) you absolutely should tell her, should have told her already

and

(2) even without the vasectomy angle, people thinking of possibly marrying each other need to discuss their intentions/desires with regard to children. Assumptions can be dangerous.

I would not assume that she is looking to/expecting to conceive. At 40 years old, she knows the chances are slim even if it is something she'd otherwise want. And I'd leave handling her mother to her.

[weary]

Tell her. You know it's the right thing to do.

Edited June 29, 2011 by weary