Cultural Question: Relations Before Marriage

[Spee]

Hello Group,

With respect to Thai culture, and without any obnoxious responses about bar girls in Thailand (my Thai GF is not one), what is the general societal perception about having intimate relations before marriage?

My Thai GF is from a small town in central northern Thailand. She says she does not want to sleep with me before getting married. She says she is afraid that if she gives it up, that I will be more inclined to leave her. Also she says that the Thai way is no sex before marriage. She already has been married once and has a young child.

I of course feel the opposite way, in that I want it to have some confidence that she will stay with me and for me, the sexual commitment is one way of showing it. Plus I am physically and emotionally attracted to her and want to sleep with her to have that satisfaction and complete that circle.

I am concerned about making deeper emotional and financial commitments, because I am afraid that she may get everything she wants before marriage, and then leave me at the last moment. Also, I am concerned about how much sex we will have after marriage, if she is hesitant before. For me, this is possibly a make or break situation in our relationship.

Any thoughts on the subject from those knowledgeable about Thai culture, will be appreciated. Thanks in advance for replies.

Spee

[pnustedt]

She says she is afraid that if she gives it up, that I will be more inclined to leave her.

It looks to me that certainly she, and probably you, are not yet ready to make a long term commitment to each other.

Have you met her family yet? In my experience, it is usually pretty serious once you are accepted into the family - and you will be expected to be a contributor!

I expect that you have a lot to learn about her, and she about you. Don't rush it.

[mrvietnam2001]

Spee, she's been married and has a small child and so she is well aware of the pain of being abandoned. More importantly she has a child who is way more important than her own feelings.

So you have to be extra patient and make a commitment.

Then you can have the prize.

Rgrds and All the best in this potentially life changing journey

Mr Vietnam

[the gentleman]

Hi Spee,

I had that as well mate, frustrating is an understatement to say the least.

You should be proud of the fact that she is genuine in her types of relationships - I love the Thai morals, I think it is missing in our own cultures.

If you dont give much financially, you wont lose much - you could also have a Thai marriage first to see the other sides and then register it at another time, then you have nothing to lose at all mate.

I wish you good luck and its nice to hear your genuine concerns.

Regards

[sbk]

Everything I have seen with rural people is that good girls don't, if she does then she is loose and promiscuous. Married before or not, doesn't matter.

I am concerned about making deeper emotional and financial commitments, because I am afraid that she may get everything she wants before marriage, and then leave me at the last moment.

As is she.

Also, I am concerned about how much sex we will have after marriage, if she is hesitant before. For me, this is possibly a make or break situation in our relationship

Perhaps she had a bad experience with her first husband? By pushing her into something she is not prepared to give you may find your behavior being equated with his.

Try to look at things from her point of view as well as your own. Compromise is what makes relationships work. As well as understanding when something is fundamental to the other's beliefs and cannot be compromised.

[Johnny Moron]

With respect to Thai culture, and without any obnoxious responses about bar girls in Thailand (my Thai GF is not one), what is the general societal perception about having intimate relations before marriage?

I spoke to my mate Wayne about this stuff what you wrote and he reckons you're just one of them troll blokes having a laugh.

Seriously mate, be a man an' give her one. If you're any good, she might even come back and ask for seconds.

[TizMe]

Spee,

I went through this as well, until she realised that I wasn't a typical Pattaya type Butterfly.

Once she realised that I was serious about a long term relationship then 5 years of built up sexual tension exploded. I've had a smile on my face ever since.

[the gentleman]

Spee,

I went through this as well, until she realised that I wasn't a typical Pattaya type Butterfly.

Once she realised that I was serious about a long term relationship then 5 years of built up sexual tension exploded. I've had a smile on my face ever since.

5 years Tiz? wow, I only waited a year mate - lots of time "by Yourself"?

[mrvietnam2001]

Spee, ever see the movie Jerry McGuire?

Rgrds

Mr Vietnam

[TizMe]

5 years Tiz? wow, I only waited a year mate - lots of time "by Yourself"?

Not 5 years for me, 5 years since she seperated from her ex-husband.

I had to wait about 4 or 5 months after we hooked up. It was definately worth the wait.

[Spee]

Thanks to the group all for replies,

It is a difficult concern and your replies have added insight to my thinking.

With respect to other inquiries, I am not wealthy but have some means. I have already helped her out with money, sent some money to her mother, and have also sent a couple of packages of christmas gifts to her child,who lives in Thailand with the grandmother (her mother), while my GF works outside of the country.

She has already told me up front and I have accepted that money, and specifically me providing money, is very important to her.

At this point I am very torn between two of my driving intuitions. My romantic intuition and personal feelings tell me that meeting her and being with her is the best thing to ever happen to me. On the other hand, my poker background and my gambling instinct tell me that this would be an easy hand to walk away from.

Walking away is something that I really don't like to do, hence the quandry.

Also, I have already decided that I want to make financial and emotional investments in the LOS. They key for now is whether or not to go ahead and do these things with her in mind for the long run. Very difficult thoughts, these ....

Again, thanks in advance for replies and additional insight.

[mrvietnam2001]

For whatever it's worth:

My wife asked me to send her folks money one time. When her father was admitted to a hospital for a broken leg. She asked me to send 200 bucks. I did and then had an American MD contact the Vietnamese hospital and I had him looked at elsewhere with the best medical care.

Then I sat my wife down and went thru the houeholds income. I showed her that sending 400-500 a month to her parents not only wasn't much in the bog picture but that I "really wanted" to do it and then she agreed.

But other than that one instance in 3 years, she never asked.

Good luck

Mr Vietnam

[syd barrett]

Hey Spree, it's simple, don't get sexually frustrated waiting, go get yourself a girl who wants sex right now. My motto is; 'Jig Jig today is 50/50' If she does not want sex today, one day when you do get it, it will be rubbish. Remember a womans sex drive should be identical to a mans, although they kid along a lot.

[KevinN]

I have had a few Thai G/Fs and only one of them was the "Ring Before the Thing" kinda girl, not sure wonder what ever happened to her,and she was the only one that asked to borrow money before we even had a face to face, Which I told her I didn't have any money at the time.

I have had 3 school teachers,couple of nurses,one from a clothing shop, an artist,and a fashion designer, and they were all ready for the boom boom,not only agreeing to it but surprised me that they were the ones to just climb in the sack,as I had the extra bedroom made up and there was never any talk as to where they would sleep,I always showed them around the house and so they knew there was an extra room.

So it just looks to me that you might be getting the world famous "ride", if she was a virgin then maybe,but with a kid already,I don't think so. I pose she also says you gotta pay a dowry?

[Spee]

I have had a few Thai G/Fs and only one of them was the "Ring Before the Thing" kinda girl, not sure wonder what ever happened to her,and she was the only one that asked to borrow money before we even had a face to face, Which I told her I didn't have any money at the time.

I have had 3 school teachers,couple of nurses,one from a clothing shop, an artist,and a fashion designer, and they were all ready for the boom boom,not only agreeing to it but surprised me that they were the ones to just climb in the sack,as I had the extra bedroom made up and there was never any talk as to where they would sleep,I always showed them around the house and so they knew there was an extra room.

So it just looks to me that you might be getting the world famous "ride", if she was a virgin then maybe,but with a kid already,I don't think so. I pose she also says you gotta pay a dowry?

KevinN wrote:

> So it just looks to me that you might be getting the world famous "ride" ...

I don't believe that this is the case, though I suppose one could speculate that it is possible. I've thought it through and it is an acceptable risk for me at this point.

> I pose she also says you gotta pay a dowry?

Nope, that is not in keeping with the tradition.

Though I don't necessarily agree with your opinion, I appreciate your response none the less.

{Someone one told me that everyone is entitled to their own wrong opinion!!}

Spee

[eric1000]

Hello Group,

My Thai GF is from a small town in central northern Thailand. She says she does not want to sleep with me before getting married. She says she is afraid that if she gives it up, that I will be more inclined to leave her. Also she says that the Thai way is no sex before marriage. She already has been married once and has a young child.

maybe she has a badly damaged body after giving birth , stretch marks ,sagging tits and a big vagina ! it happens you know , i have seen some young girls with shocking stretchmarks and a wide wide vagina resembling the Grand Canyon !

i guess others around here have too, maybe she is worried you will reject her if you see it...

just a thought

[SoCal]

All the more reason to look under the hood before buying the car.

[mrvietnam2001]

Again it depends on motives. What if your dikk doesn't satisfy "her"???

What then?

I really had to add that to the fray here.

This woman has been burned. And now she has someone in her life infinitely more important than a roll in the sack. This time maybe she's TRYING to find the right "man" to share and create the future together with and raise children.

And hopefully the guy in the mix here will indeed be "the" man and step up to the plate to do the right thing if that's where his heart is.

Then they can build a happy life, as a family.

Mr Vietnam

[chonabot]

Strange for me to say , but......good words there Tom.

It's a 2 way street , even though theres a sh1tload of trolls on this thread.

This site has become a lot blander since our last parlez...Chai Mai?

[Khutan]

Really, if she rolls in the sack with you its an expression of comittment and devotion.

At the end of the day if she is not a virgin, who is going to know if you have done the deed or not.

After all "Who is going to miss a slice off a cut loaf of bread?"

[Spee]

Well ... this thread is sort of like other things in life, including my relationship with my Thai GF. You play your hand the best way you know how and whatever happens ... happens.

Eric100 wrote:

> maybe she has a badly damaged body after giving birth<

Actually, she is drop dead gorgeous and has a smokin' body. About all that other stuff in your reply, how do you expect anyone to take it seriously?

Mr. Vietnam wrote:

> This time maybe she's TRYING to find the right "man" to share and create the future together with and raise children. And hopefully the guy in the mix here will indeed be "the" man and step up to the plate to do the right thing if that's where his heart is.<

I think this is the case, and I am hoping that everything works out. Because of language issues, we sometimes have a hard time communicating. So I will occasionally write down my thoughts on paper and one or two of her bi-lingual girlfriends will translate. This is working well and is a nice stop-gap until we learn each other's native language better. Also, it is giving me some insight about the Thai culture, in that once one of her girlfriends knows, all the girlfriends know, and they talk about me when I am not around. But that is okay too because they like what they see, and the things that I've written, and they are providing verbal reassurance to both her and me that things are going to be okay. I think that is very important for both of us.

Chonabot wrote:

> Strange for me to say , but......good words there Tom.

> It's a 2 way street , even though theres a sh1tload of trolls on this thread.<

No worries on that point, CB. Throw a post like this one out to an open forum and one has to expect some wacky feedback along with the genuine. So be it. It really is no big deal to me. I'm here for the latter and it has been worthwhile.

Thanks again to all for the concern and insight.

[sbk]

Also, it is giving me some insight about the Thai culture, in that once one of her girlfriends knows, all the girlfriends know, and they talk about me when I am not around.

Sorry Spee, that isn't just a "thai culture" thing, it's a girl thing! Round the world, all we do is make comparisons , should make some of those posters think twice. If they could hear what their gf really thinks of them.

Just keep up a positive attitude, try to look at things from her point of view and you will do fine.

[NedKelly]

I have a friend of almost 5 years in Bangkok. She is Thai and around 39 years old. I helped her through a divorce from her husband. She has one girl of about 8 years age. Anyway, we are good friends and have had many discussions about guys and marriage and so on. She has many guys chase after her as she owns a restaurant, but she has been ultra careful not to sleep with anyone. Sure enough they all got the shits and walked. So she is smart and will not give out to some chap who obviously just wants to get off. My relationship with her has been incredible. We have never thought that we may ever be more than friends. In fact we are like brother and sister. We had a great laugh one time about how her husband never performed oral on her. She thinks it is a great joke as he beleived it was not clean. Sure this may have cultural connections but she is Thai and she said that was crap as she really wanted it and did not give a shit about cultural issues. Anyway, she says she wants to only make love with her husband....meaning if you want it you have to marry her. It is about committment for her and I think that is fair enough as most blokes are afraid of it.

[otherstuff1957]

My wife and I were just wondering about her Niece! She's a 'nice' Thai girl - college grad, OK job, 25 years old - and always has a nice looking Thai boyfriend hanging around her. She's flirted with Farang's that she's met at work, but I don't think that she's dated any of them.

In the old day's, she would definitely be a virgin, but Thailand is changing and she may have had some western style pre-marital sex!

[p1p]

The issue is not sex - or no sex. The main point to consider is the relationship.

If you spend serious time with her, care for her and her family and can accept the minus points about her character etc. then waiting until after the knot is tied should be no great hardship.

If sex is of paramount importance, there is always the availability of aquaria, for those in Thailand; or Mother palm with her friendly daughters.

You are looking to spend your life with the girl and it will mostly be away from the bedroom. There is nothing wrong with accepting, and even appreciating her wish to be a "good girl" prior to marriage.

Good luck and best wishes.

[KevinN]

###### Ned,,If she a friend of yours,why not let her sit on your face then,,I would and I don't even know her.

spee quote [Well ... this thread is sort of like other things in life, including my relationship with my Thai GF. You play your hand the best way you know how and whatever happens ... happens.]

Well...If even part of what ERIC1000 said is true,You might be "playing your hand" a lot more after the marriage,,like has been said "Never buy a used car,with out looking under the hood and a test drive."

[Johnny Moron]

Actually, she is drop dead gorgeous and has a smokin' body.

My mate Wayne reckons that she sounds like one of them ladybody fellas. He says that if you don't check her out soon then on your wedding night you might end up receiving pork instead of giving it.

[KevinN]

J.M. Your friend Wayne seems like a pretty sharp fella,,is his first name JOHN?

[andy50]

is his wife called waynetta?