Another Engagement Question

[landslide]

I have been involved in a long distance relationship with a Thai woman for the past three and a half years now. I have made six trips to Thailand during this time, for a month each visit. My girlfriend has been to the USA to visit for three months on a fiancé visa about a year and a half ago, but we did not marry at that time. I have asked her to marry me, and she has accepted. I will be returning to Thailand in a couple of months, at which time I will speak with her family, and if all goes as planned, we will be married during my visit and initiate the visa process.

I have read the pinned forum thread regarding sin sod and the engagement process. I still have some questions, and hope that I can get some good advice.

Some background on my fiancé. She is 34, never married and no children, raised outside of Bangkok by her grandfather and grandmother, as her father disappeared at her birth, and her mother had alcohol problems and was not capable of caring for her. Her grandparents were quite poor, surviving on subsistence farming and odd jobs. She was schooled at the local temple, and left home for Bangkok at 15 to work. She started in a factory, and then transitioned to a retail company, setting up displays in various malls, and worked for them about 5 years. During this time she started attending a university in Bangkok. From the retail company, she moved to an engineering firm as an office assistant, a job she really loved. She did not continue on in her schooling after completing one half of her junior year. All this time, she sent money home to the grandparents, now in their 80’s, and was their sole source of support. About a year after I first met her, the company she worked for was having financial difficulties and her position was slated for elimination. We had talked about her returning to complete her degree previously, and I offered to support her if she finished her schooling. She has since graduated with a BS Degree in Mass Communication and has begun working for a media firm in Bangkok. Her spoken and written English ability is good, if not perfect, and we have not had problems communicating. During the time I have supported her, she has never asked for additional money. Her grandfather died about two years ago, and when I asked if she needed money for the funeral, I found out she had been saving some of the money I sent each month, and used the saved money to pay for the funeral. The same proved true when her mother died a couple of months ago. Again she was able to cover funeral expenses on her own, with no assistance from any of the rest of her family. Her sole surviving close relative is her grandmother, who now lives with the grandmother’s younger brother.

I am 56 and never have been married. I really had every intention of staying that way until about a year ago. At that time, my job ended, as my company had been sold. While looking for a new job (which can be difficult at my age in this economy), I spent more time in Thailand and with my girlfriend. I have always been a little concerned about our age difference, having read some of the horror stories that are out there. That said, I have never had a suspicion that this was a concern of hers. She knows my friends and family in the USA, who think the world of her, and I know most of her friends in Thailand. Her best friend’s husband happens to be an American, and has known her for 10 years. He has told me that I am the first man, Thai or farang, she has ever introduced to any of her closest friends and family.

She has said that she would like to live in the USA, and she did enjoy the time she spent here before. She does want to work, more to keep busy than anything else. Her biggest concern was finding a Buddhist Temple to visit, which we were able to find during her time in the USA. That, and can she have a pet cat. She does love animals. We do intend to relocate to Thailand in about 6years, but I would like to work up until then. As difficult as the job situation here is, I can earn more in the USA than I could ever earn in Thailand.

When I visit Thailand next, I intend to speak with my fiancé’s uncle and her grandmother regarding their permission for me to marry my fiancé. I have already told my fiancé that I have no problems continuing to send money to her grandmother. I also intend to pay for the wedding and reception, and will have both a ring and baht gold for my bride. Since her parents are deceased and I have already committed to supporting her grandmother, does sin sod still apply? I do not see where it would be a requisite to pay sin sod to her uncle, who had no hand in raising or supporting her. Frankly, I would prefer to have been working now, but that is not in the picture at the moment. I do have sizable savings and generate income through investments, but my primary concern is to build my savings for retirement and to provide support for my wife after I am gone. She is younger, and odds are will outlive me by many years. I am going to discuss this with her before talking to her uncle and grandmother, but she does get angry when I talk about my concerns for providing for her after I am gone. Her comment is “I think too much”.

Any constructive comments or suggestions on how to approach this conversation would be greatly appreciated.

[meatboy]

this seems like a happy story,you are very lucky so dont loose her,what you have posted she seems very sincere.as you have read previous stories you dont need any advice,only thing you should do is keep on looking after granny,any relatives that come out of the closet dont give them anything and let your twf sort out the wedding invertations.yes it would be good for your wife to seek work in your country and save some of her wages,dont worry about the age gap.good luck.

[IsaanUSA]

I didn't read your whole post, and don't know about the sin sod (I believe it's different for every family).

You mentioned that you two will live in the US.

I'm wondering if you have been doing the research required for getting her residency in the United States. There's quite a bit to it, a few thousand dollars to spend, and months of waiting for your fiance in Thailand.

[landslide]

I have, but still have more research to do. She received a fiance visa in 2010, but due to family issues (illness of her grandfather) we decided that the timing was not right. The issues are no longer a factor, as both her grandfather and her mother have passed away. I intend to have the required documents and forms completed prior to arrival in Thailand. We both know that it will take time for the residency approval to be forthcoming. Unfortunately, that is the reality in this day and age. I have already tried to factor in the cost of the visa, as well as the costs associated with the wedding. My hope is that her prior approval of a visa, and her adherence to the terms of the visa, will help to facilitate the marriage visa request. However, we will be dealing with the US beauocracy, so anything can happen.

[IsaanUSA]

I have, but still have more research to do. She received a fiance visa in 2010, but due to family issues (illness of her grandfather) we decided that the timing was not right. The issues are no longer a factor, as both her grandfather and her mother have passed away. I intend to have the required documents and forms completed prior to arrival in Thailand. We both know that it will take time for the residency approval to be forthcoming. Unfortunately, that is the reality in this day and age. I have already tried to factor in the cost of the visa, as well as the costs associated with the wedding. My hope is that her prior approval of a visa, and her adherence to the terms of the visa, will help to facilitate the marriage visa request. However, we will be dealing with the US beauocracy, so anything can happen.

Oh I'm sure you will be okay. I believe it takes around 8 months. She has to be in Thailand, and I think you will need to be in the US for part of the process. I just wanted to make sure you knew what you were getting yourself into.

Good luck with everything

[LeftCoaster]

Good on you! Sounds like you've got a good one. Wish you the best.

I didn't pick up on whether you were getting married here or doing

another Fiance visa....?

As to the topic of Sinsod - have you discussed this with your beloved?

What is her take on the matter seeing that those that had cared for her

have passed?

Edited April 26, 2012 by LeftCoaster

[bangkokburning]

This is a nice story. If I were you I would come to Thailand and live here for five years. I am sure she would LOVE to come live with you in US and esp not work :-))

I would not let her give up working - hell, she is not even 40! You toughed it out until almost 60 and even then was let go! Who is she the princess? I tell my GF to be wife - no way she is not working before 42, no way.

For me dude, I think the age difference is too great for US (I would put at no more than 15yrs). I think she is a good woman, but could easily have other ideas. She has had a tough life, she is used to taking chances, being bold and being alone.

She has no family, no sin sod is needed. You have given her it already in spades as well. OK if you want to help some old family member send B3500 a month. if she dwells on sin sod - dump her. She is old and without family and you have already given her big money that she has put to very good use educating herself AND paying for other things as well!

Get tough with her and see if the loves holds out. Say you are coming to Thailand and want to live here for five years, work it out and then marry - no rush. She must work until XXX (will keep her out of your hair), but take lots of International trips for fun.