What To Do About Parents Back Home?

[KRS1]

I know a few of you are probaby in the same boat as me...a long timer in Thailand with parents back home in another country. You've probably stayed in Thailand long enough by now that you consider it your home and really don't want to go back unless you have to. You've realized there's more to life than having a mortgage and being in debt for the next 30 years, how much more laid back the lifestyle in Thailand is, the adventure that your country of origin just cant match, and a lifestyle that back home just cant offer.

So how do you handle this knowing your parents are getting older and could pass away in the next 10-15 years....? Do feel that you should return and spend their last years together... ? Do you pop up once a year, maybe once every two years?

For me I've decided that both places are my home and try to spend half time here and half time there, luckily i work in an industry that allows this....But what if i didn't? ...it's a hard decision , because now my father has started to shrink and starting to sound frail now.

What do you do?

[PoodMaiDai]

I plan on bringing them here within the next few years.

[cmbe]

I plan on bringing them here within the next few years.

I was planed long time ago but they would like to stay in their home until the end of their life, I respect and hope one day I could find the way, may be something will be change by the time.

[uptheos]

It's a difficult topic that will make many feel uneasy.

A person can only do his/her best under their personal circumstances.

Some people come here to avoid relatives and thus such responsibility.

[ThaiPauly]

I too suffer with this dilema.

My parents are both 82. I felt really bad about leaving (I have been gone 9 years). But it's my life , I have only got one and I have to make the most of it.

I try and get back twice a year to spend time with them and my grown up boys, but what worries me more than anything is not being there at the end.

It will always take me around 24 hours to get home in a hurry and by then I may have missed their last moments.

But this is my home now, I'm very happy here, I have a a wife, son and a grandson in Thailand, so at least I have family.

I'm always going to worry about my parents, but apart from financial support and visiting every 6 months, there is not much more I can do. Luckily I have a sister who lives close to them. I would love them to come here but they won't. They are to set in their ways and have never been further than Spain (once), so I gave up on that years ago.

At the end of the day what will be will be and there is not a lot I can do other than keep in regular contact and continue my visits, after all they may well outlive me

[market trader]

Seems to me that you are suffering from a guilt complex...Lets look at this from another perspective.. In my case I am the elderly parent divorced from the mother of my children for many many years. I am also financially very comfortable.. But it drives me up the wall when my kids tell me that I am to old to do this or do that. Your to old to live in Thailand, Korea or Japan. Children please leave me alone and let me live my life the way I want to.You should do the same for your parents. Let them live the way they want to. Unless they are suffering financially or from dementia I am sure that they can manage quite well.. Who knows maybe they will out live you.

[Thailand]

My parents are both in their mid eighties and contact was at best a monthly phone call.They are happy where they are as are we.

All changed when we got them an IPad and linked them up with Skype video call.

We now talk via live video 2 or 3 times every week and is much more personal than email or the telephone. The old fella has also found the power of Google and has a new zest for life and learning. (did take a while to master everything )

Just a simple thing but has made a huge difference to us and them anyway.

[FolkGuitar]

I've lived in Asia for 25 years. During that time I tried to get back to see my parents at least once every few years. In their latter years they lived in a Retirement community in Florida, each family with their own apartment with kitchen, but with a central dinning room if they didn't feel up to cooking for themselves. There was a nurse on duty 24/7 and a doctor on call. The nurse makes rounds each morning to check every family. Each weekend there were activities and trips that they could be part of if they so decided, and of course, there was the all-day card games/mah jong games around the pool. When it was time, they would call me and say " I think it would be a good idea if you came for a visit... right now." And I'd come. A few days after I left my father passed over... He passed away 15 years ago. My mother was active in the community until she was in her late 80's (She loved going to Chippendale's with her girlfriends. I can only imagine...) This past winter she sent me e-mail saying it was time for me to come and say goodbye. She knew it was her time to go. She was 92. We arrived on Christmas Day, and spent seven days with her, leaving on Sunday. We were able to say all those things that people wish they could say to their loved ones but so often don't get the chance. We were lucky.

The doctor told us she passed away in her sleep Monday night.

We might love our parents, but we are not our parent's 'playground friends.' They have their own friends and most of the time, although they may love their children and enjoy visits, most would really rather spend their time with people their own age. I love my son, and I cherish the time when he comes to visit with me or I visit with him. But I don't want to spend ALL my time playing with him any more than he want's to spend all his time with me. We both have lives of our own. There are points where those lives intersect, but we don't live in them.

Edited July 21, 2012 by FolkGuitar

[jackr]

^^^ Wise words.

[chanchao]

I am running into this challenge too. Bringing my parents here was a plan, but it's turning out not being very feasible due to the climate, and my parent's social needs. It would also be quite the challenge when people start needing more care; you would have to arrange nursing services or other assistance all by yourself. In Western countries there is a whole government-controlled structure in place to provide care for the elderly, both at home, nursing homes or in-between residence types for senior citizens.

Edited July 21, 2012 by chanchao

[Gladiator]

KRS,

This is a topic that, I suppose, affects many of us.

In my own case, after working for 30 years for an international airline - it was time to move on. I had originally visited CM in 1976 and have blood family here. My, then plan, was just to come out in the winter and return to be with Mum in the summer. Maybe Jung was right as synchronicity kicked in.We have always had Thai family, so no stranger to Thai culture and and the last moment she decided to migrate with me. A brave decision for a lady in her 80's.

Regrets - none!

She loved every moment!

If you wish - you are welcome to PM me and I can provide you with further details.

Before she passed on she spent her time with myself, other family and Carers at Mckeans Hospital: = wonderful way to say goodbye.

http://www.thaivisa....ther-provinces/

Although my daughter and three granchildren still live a long way away - Thailand is home. Warts and all.

Good luck

Gladiator

Gladiator

[hellodolly]

I've lived in Asia for 25 years. During that time I tried to get back to see my parents at least once every few years. In their latter years they lived in a Retirement community in Florida, each family with their own apartment with kitchen, but with a central dinning room if they didn't feel up to cooking for themselves. There was a nurse on duty 24/7 and a doctor on call. The nurse makes rounds each morning to check every family. Each weekend there were activities and trips that they could be part of if they so decided, and of course, there was the all-day card games/mah jong games around the pool. When it was time, they would call me and say " I think it would be a good idea if you came for a visit... right now." And I'd come. A few days after I left my father passed over... He passed away 15 years ago. My mother was active in the community until she was in her late 80's (She loved going to Chippendale's with her girlfriends. I can only imagine...) This past winter she sent me e-mail saying it was time for me to come and say goodbye. She knew it was her time to go. She was 92. We arrived on Christmas Day, and spent seven days with her, leaving on Sunday. We were able to say all those things that people wish they could say to their loved ones but so often don't get the chance. We were lucky.

The doctor told us she passed away in her sleep Monday night.

We might love our parents, but we are not our parent's 'playground friends.' They have their own friends and most of the time, although they may love their children and enjoy visits, most would really rather spend their time with people their own age. I love my son, and I cherish the time when he comes to visit with me or I visit with him. But I don't want to spend ALL my time playing with him any more than he want's to spend all his time with me. We both have lives of our own. There are points where those lives intersect, but we don't live in them.

Very well put.

My father died over 40 years ago and my mother died about 7 years ago as I was in the process of moving to Thailand. She never said any thing about it. She was in her 80s and had been a world traveler into her late 70s I am sure she respected my decision to come here. I was fortunate to be over there when she passed away and attend the funeral. I have a uncle in his mid 90s now just going into the hospice system. They are going to turn off his pace maker. I will not be able to return this year a fact that I am sure he would understand. He was traveling through Africa in his 80s and he informed me that I had come by my wanderlust honestly.

I have passed it on to my youngest. He has been here visiting four times now and is coming back for Loi Kertong. he is hoping he can stay until mid December for my birthday. Like you say he has his life and I have mine. Last time he was here he found a girl friend and got to see a lot more of the culture than I could have showed him he basically lived his own life and I mine.We were in contact every day but he was not depended on me for every thing as he had been on his earlier visit's.

The question now is what do I do to prepare my family for my passing away here in Thailand. The wife refuses to throw my body in the moat or the river to save the money and my boy has sad he would like a piece of my bone.

[Gladiator]

I've lived in Asia for 25 years. During that time I tried to get back to see my parents at least once every few years. In their latter years they lived in a Retirement community in Florida, each family with their own apartment with kitchen, but with a central dinning room if they didn't feel up to cooking for themselves. There was a nurse on duty 24/7 and a doctor on call. The nurse makes rounds each morning to check every family. Each weekend there were activities and trips that they could be part of if they so decided, and of course, there was the all-day card games/mah jong games around the pool. When it was time, they would call me and say " I think it would be a good idea if you came for a visit... right now." And I'd come. A few days after I left my father passed over... He passed away 15 years ago. My mother was active in the community until she was in her late 80's (She loved going to Chippendale's with her girlfriends. I can only imagine...) This past winter she sent me e-mail saying it was time for me to come and say goodbye. She knew it was her time to go. She was 92. We arrived on Christmas Day, and spent seven days with her, leaving on Sunday. We were able to say all those things that people wish they could say to their loved ones but so often don't get the chance. We were lucky.

The doctor told us she passed away in her sleep Monday night.

We might love our parents, but we are not our parent's 'playground friends.' They have their own friends and most of the time, although they may love their children and enjoy visits, most would really rather spend their time with people their own age. I love my son, and I cherish the time when he comes to visit with me or I visit with him. But I don't want to spend ALL my time playing with him any more than he want's to spend all his time with me. We both have lives of our own. There are points where those lives intersect, but we don't live in them.

Very well put.

My father died over 40 years ago and my mother died about 7 years ago as I was in the process of moving to Thailand. She never said any thing about it. She was in her 80s and had been a world traveler into her late 70s I am sure she respected my decision to come here. I was fortunate to be over there when she passed away and attend the funeral. I have a uncle in his mid 90s now just going into the hospice system. They are going to turn off his pace maker. I will not be able to return this year a fact that I am sure he would understand. He was traveling through Africa in his 80s and he informed me that I had come by my wanderlust honestly.

I have passed it on to my youngest. He has been here visiting four times now and is coming back for Loi Kertong. he is hoping he can stay until mid December for my birthday. Like you say he has his life and I have mine. Last time he was here he found a girl friend and got to see a lot more of the culture than I could have showed him he basically lived his own life and I mine.We were in contact every day but he was not depended on me for every thing as he had been on his earlier visit's.

The question now is what do I do to prepare my family for my passing away here in Thailand. The wife refuses to throw my body in the moat or the river to save the money and my boy has sad he would like a piece of my bone.

Respect!

[Thailand]

I've lived in Asia for 25 years. During that time I tried to get back to see my parents at least once every few years. In their latter years they lived in a Retirement community in Florida, each family with their own apartment with kitchen, but with a central dinning room if they didn't feel up to cooking for themselves. There was a nurse on duty 24/7 and a doctor on call. The nurse makes rounds each morning to check every family. Each weekend there were activities and trips that they could be part of if they so decided, and of course, there was the all-day card games/mah jong games around the pool. When it was time, they would call me and say " I think it would be a good idea if you came for a visit... right now." And I'd come. A few days after I left my father passed over... He passed away 15 years ago. My mother was active in the community until she was in her late 80's (She loved going to Chippendale's with her girlfriends. I can only imagine...) This past winter she sent me e-mail saying it was time for me to come and say goodbye. She knew it was her time to go. She was 92. We arrived on Christmas Day, and spent seven days with her, leaving on Sunday. We were able to say all those things that people wish they could say to their loved ones but so often don't get the chance. We were lucky.

The doctor told us she passed away in her sleep Monday night.

We might love our parents, but we are not our parent's 'playground friends.' They have their own friends and most of the time, although they may love their children and enjoy visits, most would really rather spend their time with people their own age. I love my son, and I cherish the time when he comes to visit with me or I visit with him. But I don't want to spend ALL my time playing with him any more than he want's to spend all his time with me. We both have lives of our own. There are points where those lives intersect, but we don't live in them.

Very well put.

My father died over 40 years ago and my mother died about 7 years ago as I was in the process of moving to Thailand. She never said any thing about it. She was in her 80s and had been a world traveler into her late 70s I am sure she respected my decision to come here. I was fortunate to be over there when she passed away and attend the funeral. I have a uncle in his mid 90s now just going into the hospice system. They are going to turn off his pace maker. I will not be able to return this year a fact that I am sure he would understand. He was traveling through Africa in his 80s and he informed me that I had come by my wanderlust honestly.

I have passed it on to my youngest. He has been here visiting four times now and is coming back for Loi Kertong. he is hoping he can stay until mid December for my birthday. Like you say he has his life and I have mine. Last time he was here he found a girl friend and got to see a lot more of the culture than I could have showed him he basically lived his own life and I mine.We were in contact every day but he was not depended on me for every thing as he had been on his earlier visit's.

The question now is what do I do to prepare my family for my passing away here in Thailand. The wife refuses to throw my body in the moat or the river to save the money and my boy has sad he would like a piece of my bone.

You have probably seen this already but just in case:

[eeeya]

Awesome thread.

Thanks to all posters

[Hillside4Phil]

In part I came home due to my parent's but i am not a long timer like most of you but now have got stuck here at home with parents with ill health and now face the problem of trying to get them into a home for care as their health is that bad but 2 brother's who do nothing and from me being away with the Navy before, my younger brother owns the family home, but my issue's are mine but in hind sight I wouldn't have come home unless it was life or death, but that is in hindsight.

It is a tough call either way but I have been home for over a year now and my own health would have been a lot better had I only came home for me.

Good luck with what ever you choose to do

[hellodolly]

I've lived in Asia for 25 years. During that time I tried to get back to see my parents at least once every few years. In their latter years they lived in a Retirement community in Florida, each family with their own apartment with kitchen, but with a central dinning room if they didn't feel up to cooking for themselves. There was a nurse on duty 24/7 and a doctor on call. The nurse makes rounds each morning to check every family. Each weekend there were activities and trips that they could be part of if they so decided, and of course, there was the all-day card games/mah jong games around the pool. When it was time, they would call me and say " I think it would be a good idea if you came for a visit... right now." And I'd come. A few days after I left my father passed over... He passed away 15 years ago. My mother was active in the community until she was in her late 80's (She loved going to Chippendale's with her girlfriends. I can only imagine...) This past winter she sent me e-mail saying it was time for me to come and say goodbye. She knew it was her time to go. She was 92. We arrived on Christmas Day, and spent seven days with her, leaving on Sunday. We were able to say all those things that people wish they could say to their loved ones but so often don't get the chance. We were lucky.

The doctor told us she passed away in her sleep Monday night.

We might love our parents, but we are not our parent's 'playground friends.' They have their own friends and most of the time, although they may love their children and enjoy visits, most would really rather spend their time with people their own age. I love my son, and I cherish the time when he comes to visit with me or I visit with him. But I don't want to spend ALL my time playing with him any more than he want's to spend all his time with me. We both have lives of our own. There are points where those lives intersect, but we don't live in them.

Very well put.

My father died over 40 years ago and my mother died about 7 years ago as I was in the process of moving to Thailand. She never said any thing about it. She was in her 80s and had been a world traveler into her late 70s I am sure she respected my decision to come here. I was fortunate to be over there when she passed away and attend the funeral. I have a uncle in his mid 90s now just going into the hospice system. They are going to turn off his pace maker. I will not be able to return this year a fact that I am sure he would understand. He was traveling through Africa in his 80s and he informed me that I had come by my wanderlust honestly.

I have passed it on to my youngest. He has been here visiting four times now and is coming back for Loi Kertong. he is hoping he can stay until mid December for my birthday. Like you say he has his life and I have mine. Last time he was here he found a girl friend and got to see a lot more of the culture than I could have showed him he basically lived his own life and I mine.We were in contact every day but he was not depended on me for every thing as he had been on his earlier visit's.

The question now is what do I do to prepare my family for my passing away here in Thailand. The wife refuses to throw my body in the moat or the river to save the money and my boy has sad he would like a piece of my bone.

You have probably seen this already but just in case: http://www.thaivisa....-in-chiang-mai/

Yes I have it saved on my computer.

My wife is Thai and she will do as she sees fit. It will be a Buddhist affair I am sure. The advantage to having a Thai spouse is they have so much support that they manage to get it done properly. With minimum effort on the wife. Or as much as she is wiling to do.

N

My family back hoe know my wishes and if I am to die there they also know what wish done. I have not mentioned it but I am sure that the wife would appreciate a bone. Have to get on that.

I know I veered off topic but I do believe that we should make are wishes known to are loved ones. And if the choice is similar to mine let them know we understand their not being here. Tell them it is OK

[Rancid]

This is a topic that would affect many. I have been here a while, my dad was ill so my return trips with kids increased in frequency, they saw him still himself, but on the last call from my brothers I went home alone and spent a few days in the hospital before he passed away. It was cancer extended with drug therapy and it wasn't a good passing, however I was there before the end and at it.

My mum is still healthy so that one is a ways off yet and we visit yearly. I had reasons for being over here that they understood, it is difficult, but you have to do what circumstance demands or prefers. How many in home countries stack their parents in a nursing home and rarely visit? By the sounds of the thread most of us try our best to maintain contact as often as is realistic.

[cmbe]

In my situation same but I stay in opposite side and I feel I have parents in both sides, now my last family(not blood relate) is gone, so the time for me to back home for my rest parent.

[cooked]

When the time came around I was living in Switzerland, not so far away from the UK. However in both cases I had dodgy conversations with nurses not willing to say outright that I might want to come over, I had to interrogate them. I went over quite a few times and in the end missed their end although I was able to help (my dad reckoned that the beer that I smuggled into the hospital was the best he had ever had). I do regret not having fixed up a stay in a hospice for them, that stays with me.

[KRS1]

Thanks to all the people giving their views on the subject, I truly thank every single one of you for opening up and sharing your insight.

Edited July 21, 2012 by KRS1

[MAJIC]

In Thailand you are expected to look after (usualy financially) your Partners Mamma and Pappa,so why not look after your own,you know the ones that brought you up.Should have thought the answer was obvious,

Your Biological Parents first,wifes/Gfs Parents Second.

Edited July 21, 2012 by MAJIC

[Gladiator]

Loving Compassionate Kindness!

[hellodolly]

In Thailand you are expected to look after (usualy financially) your Partners Mamma and Pappa,so why not look after your own,you know the ones that brought you up.Should have thought the answer was obvious.

I don't look to them to sacrifice there life for me. I have made a conscious choice to live a world away from them and would not expect them to throw their world away for me.

All though both my parents are dead I am sure they would not ask that of me or even appreciate it. Now if they were still alive and I was living back in Seattle it would be a different story

.

But then I would be a different kind of person. My Mother died at 84 for the last few years of her life she could take care of herself. My spinster sister moved in with her just to make sure she was OK. If my sister was not there or one of my other brothers and sisters or inlaws she would put her coat on and go for a walk alone. She did how ever say she was ready to go she had lived a good life and was no longer capable of doing things for others like she had done all her life she had given specific instructions no artificial means to maintain her life. While on her walk she had a heart attack a passersby stopped knew who she was and got her to the hospital when my sister got there she had to tell them to disconnect the machine.

Part of what am trying to say here is she had us her kids but none of the friends she had had over the years. She had built a life of her own after my father died and she loved all us kids but we were not her friends. We were her children.

Yes even if I live half a world away and she is gone I still miss her. But I am sure she is happy for me.

[elektrified]

In Thailand you are expected to look after (usualy financially) your Partners Mamma and Pappa,so why not look after your own,you know the ones that brought you up.Should have thought the answer was obvious,

Your Biological Parents first,wifes/Gfs Parents Second.

I was going to say the same but figured I would get flamed for it. Couldn't agree more.

[MAJIC]

In Thailand you are expected to look after (usualy financially) your Partners Mamma and Pappa,so why not look after your own,you know the ones that brought you up.Should have thought the answer was obvious.

I don't look to them to sacrifice there life for me. I have made a conscious choice to live a world away from them and would not expect them to throw their world away for me.

All though both my parents are dead I am sure they would not ask that of me or even appreciate it. Now if they were still alive and I was living back in Seattle it would be a different story

.

But then I would be a different kind of person. My Mother died at 84 for the last few years of her life she could take care of herself. My spinster sister moved in with her just to make sure she was OK. If my sister was not there or one of my other brothers and sisters or inlaws she would put her coat on and go for a walk alone. She did how ever say she was ready to go she had lived a good life and was no longer capable of doing things for others like she had done all her life she had given specific instructions no artificial means to maintain her life. While on her walk she had a heart attack a passersby stopped knew who she was and got her to the hospital when my sister got there she had to tell them to disconnect the machine.

Part of what am trying to say here is she had us her kids but none of the friends she had had over the years. She had built a life of her own after my father died and she loved all us kids but we were not her friends. We were her children.

Yes even if I live half a world away and she is gone I still miss her. But I am sure she is happy for me.

A very poinant story hellodolly,thanks for sharing it with us.

[cmbe]

In Thailand you are expected to look after (usualy financially) your Partners Mamma and Pappa,so why not look after your own,you know the ones that brought you up.Should have thought the answer was obvious,

Your Biological Parents first,wifes/Gfs Parents Second.

I was going to say the same but figured I would get flamed for it. Couldn't agree more.

I do not know what will happen tomorrow but I know today there is a stay alone old lady who I know her for many years has cancer last step, what you should do first : your real parent that they are still ok, no have a serious sickness, live near brother (nurse) and sister, have pension and support from their children,... but other side a old lady no children, very sick, very very pain, no one understand her better than me and herself, no one want to help her so far and I am sure after many years no one love her more than me. What should you do?

[Dean1953]

My mother died when I was 17 (in 1970) but my father lived to be 89, and died 7 years ago. We were close and took at least one vacation a year from the time he was 70 to 83 years old. His last 3 years, he needed help to stay at home, which was provided by his 7 children and practical nurses at night. I think the way my mother's father was treated is more typical of relatives. He had 47 grandchildren, most of which lived in town. After his wife died, one grandchild stayed with him for 2 weeks. I was then asked to stay with him for a couple of weeks, until someone could be found at one of the local colleges. I stayed for 10 weeks. No other grandchild visited in that time, or offered to stay. It would have been easy to arrange a schedule where one grandkid stayed at least one night every 6-8 weeks. No body ever volunteered and after 10 weeks, I was no longer willing to sacrifice my job and being on call from 5PM to 8AM. I stayed by himself at night and, after a few months, he fell at night and bled to death by the next day. I doubt if any grandkid has any remorse for not being there for their grandfather. It is ironic that the aunt that asked me to stay with my grandfather had 10 children, one of which was a priest. During this time period (early 1980's), he had a severe drinking problem and has been charged and convicted of molesting boys. I doubt if it ever occurred to him at the time to help his grandfather. It didn't occur to any other grandkid. I guess because I was single at the time, my time was less valuable. I know too many people that are willing to shove their parents into nursing homes at the first sign of inconvenience.

[cmbe]

I think, everybody ever passed a painful situation, good to share experience to other members. For me, the most difficult situation in my life to make a decision is already become a story which not enough words to explain.

You can call every places you are that it is a home but which home make you more happy, freedom, own your life, choose your way,...

[Johpa]

I don't look to them to sacrifice there life for me. .........

Uh, they already sacrificed at least 18 years of their life, probably more, providing for your welfare.