Inlaw Advice

[Bluetongue]

This guy is young and he has a job in his own country. What is he doing here long term then? If I were you I'd be very comfortable laying it on the line to the farang, no need to be aggressive about it. "Mate you have well overstayed your welcome, first thing tomorrow you have to leave". No need to enter into any discussion about it. Should be no cultural repercussions there. It almost sounds like he is using the situation as a long term backpacker holiday, free sex, accomodation and entertainment. My bet is he will ditch the SiL as soon as the situation becomes uncomfortable.

Setting time frames, helping them, getting them a room or a job are just pie in the sky options as far as I can see but when he goes you may still have the SiL problem. Resolving that is another issue, and for the forum to help you there would be much more difficult as there are so many factors we dont know so far. and so may variables because of that.

[macksview]

fair point bluetongue, the malingering farang is most probably on the free holiday, sex on tap, free board, free truck and no bills, reminds me when i was 18, your not his surrogate father are you?

not being rude, but when i can i move in, i promise to buy some lao kow and krong thip if you smoke.

[HeavyDrinker]

Can I book 2 weeks at your place at the end of January?

[farangme]

Can I book 2 weeks at your place at the end of January?

Sure. 20,000 baht.

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[farangme]

fair point bluetongue, the malingering farang is most probably on the free holiday, sex on tap, free board, free truck and no bills, reminds me when i was 18, your not his surrogate father are you?

not being rude, but when i can i move in, i promise to buy some lao kow and krong thip if you smoke.

Supply the Glenfeddich and cover my green fees and your welcome to hang out. But no smoking...

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[Trembly]

Is the child the farang's?

[welsh1]

Does he have a job?

He dont need one, he gets every thing for free at the OP house

[farangme]

Is the child the farang's?

No

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[Trembly]

Is the child the farang's?

No

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The mind boggles at how he ever made it into your household!

Seriously, the mother in law at least and probably the neighbours too must be thinking that it's just a matter of time before the farang gets the boot. They are probably quietly gobsmacked but put it down to strange farang ways, and anyway it suits the SIL so, let sleeping dogs lie.

All from a Thai perspective.

[techno]

I would throw them all out if they are taking advantage and not appreciative. If the wife has a problem with it she can go with them.

I agree. He is just being used bt the whole family

[mauGR1]

Yeah, the correct solution, but maybe one the OP doesn't like.

I would change the topic title if i could :" Another sad story from Isaan "

When will they learn ? .. Ah, well, another plane load is coming.

Dude. Lame post. Great value add. Just move along Ol' Wise One.

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Well, i like people with good hearts, i also like the way Thais share everything with their extended families.

But i hate to see naive foreigners being taken advantage of from a bunch of lazy people ( i' ve seen too many )...

These situations normally end in tears and regret, and i sincerely hope this is not your case.

Apologies if i have offended you.

[farangme]

Is the child the farang's?

No

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The mind boggles at how he ever made it into your household!

Seriously, the mother in law at least and probably the neighbours too must be thinking that it's just a matter of time before the farang gets the boot. They are probably quietly gobsmacked but put it down to strange farang ways, and anyway it suits the SIL so, let sleeping dogs lie.

All from a Thai perspective.

Let me clarify. Took SIL and kids in when Thai bf bailed. SiL just married young farang and plans to return home with him soon and leave kids with us until some undetermined point in the future. I'm not biting on that part and consider my need to help to be complete, i.e. they all need to go, get on with their lives, and not return other than to visit. This last part seems to be their miscalculation that needs to be sorted out, preferably in a non-combative way, thus allowing things to end gracefully if possible, which is generally a good idea in TL.

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[robblok]

Yeah, the correct solution, but maybe one the OP doesn't like.

I would change the topic title if i could :" Another sad story from Isaan "

When will they learn ? .. Ah, well, another plane load is coming.

Dude. Lame post. Great value add. Just move along Ol' Wise One.

Sent from my PC36100 using Thaivisa Connect App

Well, i like people with good hearts, i also like the way Thais share everything with their extended families.

But i hate to see naive foreigners being taken advantage of from a bunch of lazy people ( i' ve seen too many )...

These situations normally end in tears and regret, and i sincerely hope this is not your case.

Apologies if i have offended you.

Guy buys a house cars and all in girls name.. girl usually a lot younger. Girl knows she got power now because guy stand to loose it all. Girl will always choose family she has all the money already. Guy knows he has no power and is trapped feels impotent.

Seen it too girl does what she wants and the guy just has to accept it or loose it all.

[HeavyDrinker]

Can I book 2 weeks at your place at the end of January?

Sure. 20,000 baht.

Sent from my PC36100 using Thaivisa Connect App

Thanks but I can get by on just 15K,,,,

[ballbreaker]

OP tell the SIL under no circumstances can children be left at your place while she jets off to another country. Suggest she leave them with the parents of the Thai who fathered the kids.

[farangme]

Yeah, the correct solution, but maybe one the OP doesn't like.

I would change the topic title if i could :" Another sad story from Isaan "

When will they learn ? .. Ah, well, another plane load is coming.

Dude. Lame post. Great value add. Just move along Ol' Wise One.

Sent from my PC36100 using Thaivisa Connect App

Well, i like people with good hearts, i also like the way Thais share everything with their extended families.

But i hate to see naive foreigners being taken advantage of from a bunch of lazy people ( i' ve seen too many )...

These situations normally end in tears and regret, and i sincerely hope this is not your case.

Apologies if i have offended you.

Thanks mau, all genuine feedback is appreciated. Extended family in any culture can cause issues. All problems have solutions and one should always have an exit plan. While events have taken a course that now need to be walked back, I don't consider myself naive and certainly won't be shedding any tears regardless of outcome. As I've always told others, don't expend any money in TL that your not willing to walk away from, and I don't. There's always a start over option as long as your alive and not in jail.

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[HeavyDrinker]

There's always a start over option as long as your alive and not in jail.

Wise words indeed. Good luck to you pal whatever you decide.

[farangme]

Yeah, the correct solution, but maybe one the OP doesn't like.

I would change the topic title if i could :" Another sad story from Isaan "

When will they learn ? .. Ah, well, another plane load is coming.

Dude. Lame post. Great value add. Just move along Ol' Wise One.

Sent from my PC36100 using Thaivisa Connect App

Well, i like people with good hearts, i also like the way Thais share everything with their extended families.

But i hate to see naive foreigners being taken advantage of from a bunch of lazy people ( i' ve seen too many )...

These situations normally end in tears and regret, and i sincerely hope this is not your case.

Apologies if i have offended you.

Guy buys a house cars and all in girls name.. girl usually a lot younger. Girl knows she got power now because guy stand to loose it all. Girl will always choose family she has all the money already. Guy knows he has no power and is trapped feels impotent.

Seen it too girl does what she wants and the guy just has to accept it or loose it all.

Shouldn't put all one's eggs in one basket. Lots of fish in the sea, none of which are worth crying about.

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[robblok]

Well, i like people with good hearts, i also like the way Thais share everything with their extended families.

But i hate to see naive foreigners being taken advantage of from a bunch of lazy people ( i' ve seen too many )...

These situations normally end in tears and regret, and i sincerely hope this is not your case.

Apologies if i have offended you.

Guy buys a house cars and all in girls name.. girl usually a lot younger. Girl knows she got power now because guy stand to loose it all. Girl will always choose family she has all the money already. Guy knows he has no power and is trapped feels impotent.

Seen it too girl does what she wants and the guy just has to accept it or loose it all.

Shouldn't put all one's eggs in one basket. Lots of fish in the sea, none of which are worth crying about.

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Of course not, but many guys are not smart enough to realize this. They don't want to accept its their (perceived or real) wealth that gets them the girls and once many of those girls have access to that money the guy is no longer important.

By buying them a car or house or what else they give up power. As long as you know in what kind of relation you are (there is the trick because it means looking honestly at yourself) you are safe.

[Trembly]

Is the child the farang's?

No

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The mind boggles at how he ever made it into your household!

Seriously, the mother in law at least and probably the neighbours too must be thinking that it's just a matter of time before the farang gets the boot. They are probably quietly gobsmacked but put it down to strange farang ways, and anyway it suits the SIL so, let sleeping dogs lie.

All from a Thai perspective.

Let me clarify. Took SIL and kids in when Thai bf bailed. SiL just married young farang and plans to return home with him soon and leave kids with us until some undetermined point in the future. I'm not biting on that part and consider my need to help to be complete, i.e. they all need to go, get on with their lives, and not return other than to visit. This last part seems to be their miscalculation that needs to be sorted out, preferably in a non-combative way, thus allowing things to end gracefully if possible, which is generally a good idea in TL.

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Then the message to them is quite simple : where the newly-weds go, the child goes, and your house is going to be off-limits except for visits.

I find it a bit odd, for want of a better word, that the farang was willing to marry the SIL but is not willing to take on responsibility for the child and take him/her to farangland with them as part of the family. It smacks of immaturity and lack of foresight - at least that how it seems to me through the lens of a web forum.

Edited November 9, 2012 by Trembly

[BigJohnnyBKK]

Of course not, but many guys are not smart enough to realize this. They don't want to accept its their (perceived or real) wealth that gets them the girls and once many of those girls have access to that money the guy is no longer important.

By buying them a car or house or what else they give up power. As long as you know in what kind of relation you are (there is the trick because it means looking honestly at yourself) you are safe.

All true, but note that buying houses and cars only implies giving up power if you value them over your self-respect and peace of mind. I know lots of guys that are happy to walk away from material stuff, doesn't mean much in the long run does it.

Not to mention the fact that such items are simply chump change for some as well.

Then the message to them is quite simple : where the newly-weds go, the child goes, and your house is going to be off-limits except for visits.

I find it a bit odd, for want of a better word, that the farang was willing to marry the SIL but is not willing to take on responsibility for the child and take him/her to farangland with them as part of the family. It smacks of immaturity and lack of foresight - at least that how it seems to me through the lens of a web forum.

There are I'm sure many other households in the extended family that will be happy to raise the kids; it's completely normal in Thailand for children to be raised by people other than the birth parents. I've received offers from dozens of families to raise mine for me when they see I've got financial problems, and I always thank them for their kindness before gracefully declining.

It's also expected that a Thai man marrying a woman with children will refuse to take any responsibility for them - which attitude seems to be shared by many here. Thus it's normal for a woman to need to offload her spawn onto relatives when she remarries, no one thinks she's a "bad mother" for doing this, just adjusting to the social realities.

Put those together and the young couple's hopes are completely understandable, but obviously the farang would have less of an "expectation" that things will go the way they'd like.

Usually the birth parent will want their kids to be raised in the household with the greatest resources, so their nutrition and education will be taken care of properly.

In this case looks like it won't happen, but that doesn't mean there isn't a fair solution to everyone's problem in this case.

Edited November 9, 2012 by BigJohnnyBKK

[BigJohnnyBKK]

Thanks mau, all genuine feedback is appreciated. Extended family in any culture can cause issues. All problems have solutions and one should always have an exit plan. While events have taken a course that now need to be walked back, I don't consider myself naive and certainly won't be shedding any tears regardless of outcome. As I've always told others, don't expend any money in TL that your not willing to walk away from, and I don't. There's always a start over option as long as your alive and not in jail.

Sounds like you're in a good position to put your foot down.

The more your wife understands (even if only at a subconscious level) that you're willing to force the issue - choose between you or them - the more likely she'll see the wisdom of accommodating your preferences in the matter.

Unless she is in fact just another scam artist and has reached the point of diminishing returns where it makes sense to toss you out and find another sucker.

In which case the sooner you find out the better.

[farangme]

Yes, they are young and immature. Fortunately, MiL, wife and I are now in agreement regarding the go forward plan of independent domiciles and parental child rearing responsibilities. Next the wife and MiL will share with SiL. Thai family diplomacy.

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[TommoPhysicist]

All true, but note that buying houses and cars only implies giving up power if you value them over your self-respect and peace of mind. I know lots of guys that are happy to walk away from material stuff, doesn't mean much in the long run does it.

If I may quibble here (it appears to me my day for quibbling your posts)

Buying someone else houses and cars only gives up your power if you have limited resources.

Bill Gates, Rod Stewart, et al. wouldn't give a toss about such piddling losses.

I'm sure if the OP didn't have such limited resources, he would merely buy a new house and move into it alone (or with a new woman).

Edited November 9, 2012 by TommoPhysicist

[TommoPhysicist]

Usually the birth parent will want their kids to be raised in the household with the greatest resources, so their nutrition and education will be taken care of properly.

I can completely agree with this.

Thai society has no expectation that a child needs to be raised by either of it's birth parents.

In our extended family there is a husband and wife who are school teachers and unable to have children. Many mothers just pass their offspring along to the teachers who are more than happy to bring them up, no contributions required. Western people often are shocked or fail to understand this basic difference between our two societies. I personally see nothing wrong with it.

Edited November 9, 2012 by TommoPhysicist

[BigJohnnyBKK]

All true, but note that buying houses and cars only implies giving up power if you value them over your self-respect and peace of mind. I know lots of guys that are happy to walk away from material stuff, doesn't mean much in the long run does it.

If I may quibble here (it appears to me my day for quibbling your posts)

Buying someone else houses and cars only gives up your power if you have limited resources.

Bill Gates, Rod Stewart, et al. wouldn't give a toss about such piddling losses.

I'm sure if the OP didn't have such limited resources, he would merely buy a new house and move into it alone (or with a new woman).

My point remains - no matter how poor, it's the caring about leaving your assets behind that is the source of giving up your power.

Sure it's better not to give away the assets in the first place, and it's true the poorer you are the more likely to care, but in the end it's your choice whether to care about the assets or not.

All you have to do is decide "my happiness is more important, life's too short to spend it suffering like this" and walk away from it all and bada boom you've got control over your life again.

[TommoPhysicist]

All you have to do is decide "my happiness is more important, life's too short to spend it suffering like this" and walk away from it all and bada boom you've got control over your life again.

With the limited resource scenario, you don't regain control of your life.

You just pass control from your woman to an employer.

Edited November 9, 2012 by TommoPhysicist

[Pon]

I honestly cannot believe what i read when i come here, some of you guys are so bitter and twisted...Yes there are a lot of horror stories caused by Naive farangs and greedy thais but is that all there is ??.

I have also seen first hand some very strong and fairy story type relationships. What is the old saying - what rings my bell maybe does'nt ring yours. I have been with my wife for 25 years, 2 great kids and i would not change a thing.

The so called arm chair experts are the first guys to moan about thailand and thais..but guess what it is NOT their country and their culture but most of all "they are not you". I have had school teachers here (been here 10mins) tell me how to run my life, and they only met me in a bar...i just laugh and tell them to FO

I have lived here now for 28 years......, do i have problems- yes some times.......do i get frustrated - of course.....do i understand the thais - i thought i did but now i know i don't or probably ever will...would i go back to the UK and live - are you kidding NFW.

There is a lot of good advice out there and as for me i can honestly say...I live here on my terms....yes if i could'nt afford to lose it I would not spend it (this applies to most farangs here as they cant afford it ) ....why would you come to Thailand and expect them to have the same culture as an Ausssie,German,Brit or yank (did you not come here because it was different).

Most of the farangs who tell (not advise) you how good they understand or speak thai, how experienced they are in the thai culltural understanding etc, generally have proven to me to be sad little guys who either end up going bush or disappearing into the haze, never to be seen again.

So Farangme...my honest advice to you would be to look inside yourself...then talk to your other half....then weigh up what the pros and cons are, then decide...after all only you can decided what you really want out of all this.

Bitter and twisted advice usually comes from bitter and twisted people.

Good Luck

Edited November 9, 2012 by Pon

[BigJohnnyBKK]

With the limited resource scenario, you don't regain control of your life.

You just pass control from your woman to an employer.

I've found freelancing much better, any one employer gets too much of a PITA you fire them.

[NeverSure]

All true, but note that buying houses and cars only implies giving up power if you value them over your self-respect and peace of mind. I know lots of guys that are happy to walk away from material stuff, doesn't mean much in the long run does it.

Not to mention the fact that such items are simply chump change for some as well.

Wise words. Even in the West a woman can be expensive and every man knows that going in.

I "think" I already said this (old age, you know) but I did the math. IF one wanted to move into a village in Isaan to have a beautiful young thing climb into his bed at night and to experience all that goes with that life, he could, after 5 years, walk away from a modest house, a scooter and modest support over that time, and still be better off financially than if he'd spent that same time living in big city US. He should own the car in his name and drive away.

The trick would be to understand going in that it's a financial transaction, that it's not an overwhelming two-sided forever love, and that it will end.