Breaking Up in Thailand

[Morakot]

I've known her less than ten months, the majority of that time spent as "friends" because she was unsure and kept me at a distance. In essence, it felt like I was her dirty little secret for a time, and it wore on me a lot.

It's not unusual for women in Thailand to kept a relationship low profile in the beginning, particularly when no significant commitment has been made. The stigma of "spoiled goods" is still very strong for many women here who made a previous relationship known.

Edited June 19, 2013 by Morakot

[theblether]

I read that she was nervous about dating the OP, took her time to get over her reservations, and now her nightmare has come true.

No wonder she's angry.

However that being the case I'm more interested in the answer to the question......." and the other part feels? "

There lies the answer to this conundrum.

[geriatrickid]

Anyone else inclined to share a bit of their own break up history, or is this just gonna keep getting slung back at me?

4 years together, separation initiated by the other person. Discord started in year 3 after my refusal to purchase property and to provide a "generous" allowance. (We were not married, had no shared home, were both employed and I was keenly aware of property ownership and quality of life issues on Phuket.)

I was at a point where I disliked Phuket and could not see living in the region. I also have work responsibilities that preclude me from living full time in one place. The economy didn't help as my investment income was 25% of what it was when I was first in Thailand. I scaled back my expenses to maintain a quality lifestyle.

Fast forward a few months and there are attempts at reconciliation coming from Miss Unreasonable Demands. Over the past year, we both had relationships with others.

It seems that after some reflection, the other party came to the realization that this farang, while not as cute and sexy as a Korean boy band singer was a more viable and reliable long term asset. The unrealistic demands have been dropped, but I doubt anything in the mentality has changed. Fortunately, none of the types of behaviour (e.g. violence, threats, pettiness) commonly reported in TVF occurred. It was a bit of an education for me that someone with a decent job, a mature age and an education would act like a 15 year old girl. Fortunately, I haven't come across such people in Hua Hin.

Edited June 19, 2013 by geriatrickid

[YeahSiam]

If I was in the OP's situation, the girl's outbursts would increase my determination to go.

Does he really want to "go the distance" with a childish, tantrum-throwing shrew who plays the "farang-no-good" card even when a perfectly valid and fair reason is provided for a high-stakes life decision?

[Morakot]

If I was in the OP's situation, the girl's outbursts would increase my determination to go.

Does he really want to "go the distance" with a childish, tantrum-throwing shrew who plays the "farang-no-good" card even when a perfectly valid and fair reason is provided for a high-stakes life decision?

You seem to be labouring under the impression that people are rational beings.

[Eesat]

Realise that the sweet,loving Thai girl you once knew has gone forever and assume you will now be facing a violent,psycopathic,hell-bent on destruction,Thai version of Chuckie from now on!

[aTomsLife]

I read that she was nervous about dating the OP, took her time to get over her reservations, and now her nightmare has come true.

No wonder she's angry.

However that being the case I'm more interested in the answer to the question......." and the other part feels? "

There lies the answer to this conundrum.

You make a fair point. But her reservations have now turned into my reservations. Such is life. My nationality shouldn't preclude me from making what I feel is the best decision for myself. Knowing someone for ten months, and having her be my girlfriend for a couple of them does not a marriage make.

As for your question, part of me is still very interested in being with her, of course. I invested a lot of time and patience in her, too. But per the above, I'm not remotely close to proposing marriage, nor am I apt to put aside my career goals and hope things work out for the best. This country is changing too damn fast for that mentality. Now she may want me to stay, but perhaps when she realizes I'll never rise above being a TEFLer, who knows, she may up and leave me.

[aTomsLife]

Wow, just wow. Who is sleeping around? I'm monogamous -- end of that discussion. I date "good girls" because I'm a decent, hard working guy.

-

He didn't mean to imply you're promiscuous, just reflecting the dominant Thai value system of sexual mores, by having sex before marriage and then not marrying her even though she did nothing wrong, according to this culture you are automatically doing wrong by her.

You can argue all you like about modern swinging upper-class girls, and of course they do exist - when it suits them they'll shag a guy 'cause they're horny and then drop him like a hot potato.

But if you enter into a regular thing, become a monogamous couple, in Thai culture you already ARE married, the paperwork really doesn't mean much - see the Thai PM for an example.

So that's the position she's taking, where she's coming from, and now you have to deal with the situation on that basis, not the one you thought was operating.

She will probably expect some sort of compensation to make up for her psychic injuries and loss of face.

Not saying you owe it to her, just don't be surprised to know you can buy your way out of trouble.

Or run away like a thief in the night, that's the usual way it's handled here.

Good post, but she would never ask me for money. Never. Way too much pride. That behavior is reserved for another class of girls here, according to her.

[theblether]

I read that she was nervous about dating the OP, took her time to get over her reservations, and now her nightmare has come true.

No wonder she's angry.

However that being the case I'm more interested in the answer to the question......." and the other part feels? "

There lies the answer to this conundrum.

You make a fair point. But her reservations have now turned into my reservations. Such is life. My nationality shouldn't preclude me from making what I feel is the best decision for myself. Knowing someone for ten months, and having her be my girlfriend for a couple of them does not a marriage make.

As for your question, part of me is still very interested in being with her, of course. I invested a lot of time and patience in her, too. But per the above, I'm not remotely close to proposing marriage, nor am I apt to put aside my career goals and hope things work out for the best. This country is changing too dam_n fast for that mentality. Now she may want me to stay, but perhaps when she realizes I'll never rise above being a TEFLer, who knows, she may up and leave me.

I agree that two months of dating does not a marriage make, but I'm reading some doubts in your mind now.

My best advice now would be for you to ask for the topic to be locked and go have a think to yourself.

[boosta]

<deleted>?

Why are you bothering to get a Master's if you're not going to become a proper schoolteacher qualified to teach at the best International Schools?

There are many jurisdictions making it very easy to do so, just a bit of experience under your belt, join the agencies and go to the conferences. . .

IGCSE/Int'l A-levels are the best option for Thailand, but IB's getting very hot now all over the world including in the US, have both maybe Common Core as well, get some experience helping get a new school accredited and the world's your oyster. . .

[aTomsLife]

I read that she was nervous about dating the OP, took her time to get over her reservations, and now her nightmare has come true.

No wonder she's angry.

However that being the case I'm more interested in the answer to the question......." and the other part feels? "

There lies the answer to this conundrum.

You make a fair point. But her reservations have now turned into my reservations. Such is life. My nationality shouldn't preclude me from making what I feel is the best decision for myself. Knowing someone for ten months, and having her be my girlfriend for a couple of them does not a marriage make.

As for your question, part of me is still very interested in being with her, of course. I invested a lot of time and patience in her, too. But per the above, I'm not remotely close to proposing marriage, nor am I apt to put aside my career goals and hope things work out for the best. This country is changing too dam_n fast for that mentality. Now she may want me to stay, but perhaps when she realizes I'll never rise above being a TEFLer, who knows, she may up and leave me.

I agree that two months of dating does not a marriage make, but I'm reading some doubts in your mind now.

My best advice now would be for you to ask for the topic to be locked and go have a think to yourself.

Been thinking on my own for a couple days now, prefer to let the topic run, especially if other posters are willing to share their break up stories, both good and bad.

[GooEng]

Anyone else inclined to share a bit of their own break up history, or is this just gonna keep getting slung back at me?

I've never heard of a clean or amicable break up in Thailand in the 20 odd years I've been here.

My own experiences of ending relationships echo those of boosta - threats, violence, hysterics etc.

It seems a national trait for the one being dumped to turn aggressively adversarial, and it's mainly to do with face and its often the case that when the dumped party has been dumped for very good reason(infidelity, theft, etc) the aggression is even worse.

When a lady i was seeing on a pretty casual basis a few years ago wanted to stop seeing me, which would have been no big deal, rather than come out with it she behaved in such a bizarre fashion - standing me up on dates, being distant, leaving dates unexpectedly etc, that I ended up telling her it was not working and we should stop dating. i was then subjected to a month long campaign of SMS threats and insults, facebook insults and silent phone calls in the middle of the night. It came out much later via a mutual acquaintance that she wanted to end things with me as an ex-bf of hers, had unexpectedly announced his return to Thailand and she wanted to be available to him.

[Morakot]

Realise that the sweet,loving Thai girl you once knew has gone forever and assume you will now be facing a violent,psycopathic,hell-bent on destruction,Thai version of Chuckie from now on!

And I really thought in the beginning you were a sweet lovely girl. Now reading this is I'm not sure about you Eesat anymore...

Edited June 19, 2013 by Morakot

[aTomsLife]

<deleted>?

Why are you bothering to get a Master's if you're not going to become a proper schoolteacher qualified to teach at the best International Schools?

There are many jurisdictions making it very easy to do so, just a bit of experience under your belt, join the agencies and go to the conferences. . .

IGCSE/Int'l A-levels are the best option for Thailand, but IB's getting very hot now all over the world including in the US, have both maybe Common Core as well, get some experience helping get a new school accredited and the world's your oyster. . .

I must have confused you, sorry. Being a licensed school teacher is precisely what I would be returning home to do. And afterwards I'd only return to Thailand if it was to work for a legitimate international school.

[boosta]

Good post, but she would never ask me for money. Never. Way too much pride. That behavior is reserved for another class of girls here, according to her.

-

You haven't seen all her facets yet have you? I bet jewelry's good too. Sorry so cynical, but seriously trying to get you to understand her underlying psychology, the form the compensation takes may just be symbolic.

Pain and suffering (yours), a bit of groveling may well suffice.

[boosta]

I must have confused you, sorry. Being a licensed school teacher is precisely what I would be returning home to do. And afterwards I'd only return to Thailand if it was to work for a legitimate international school.

-

That's not TEFLing.

Note your career will most likely take you to less-demand locations first (like Islamic ones). Better that than settling for a second-rate place here just because you like Thailand - from a career POV.

The specifics I pointed out should be more important for your first few gigs than the starting pay, might be 3-4 years before you end up exactly where you want to be.

Also get specialist qualified, maybe PE and/or ICT, Econ/Business some special-needs and/or psych/counseling, ECA stuff like Drama.

The smaller schools just starting out want to be able to fill multiple slots with a single hire, and that's when you get the extra responsibilities that look good for later.

Some schools only hire couples, so if you're going to fallin lerv, make the next girl a fellow IS-aspirant.

Edited June 19, 2013 by boosta

[boosta]

When a lady i was seeing on a pretty casual basis a few years ago wanted to stop seeing me, which would have been no big deal, rather than come out with it she behaved in such a bizarre fashion - standing me up on dates, being distant, leaving dates unexpectedly etc, that I ended up telling her it was not working and we should stop dating. i was then subjected to a month long campaign of SMS threats and insults, facebook insults and silent phone calls in the middle of the night. It came out much later via a mutual acquaintance that she wanted to end things with me as an ex-bf of hers, had unexpectedly announced his return to Thailand and she wanted to be available to him.

-

Making sure you REALLY didn't want her anymore? Don't try to make too much sense out of it, waste of time.

[aTomsLife]

I must have confused you, sorry. Being a licensed school teacher is precisely what I would be returning home to do. And afterwards I'd only return to Thailand if it was to work for a legitimate international school.

-

That's not TEFLing.

Note your career will most likely take you to less-demand locations first (like Islamic ones). Better that than settling for a second-rate place here just because you like Thailand - from a career POV.

The specifics I pointed out should be more important for your first few gigs than the starting pay, might be 3-4 years before you end up exactly where you want to be.

Also get specialist qualified, maybe PE and/or ICT, Econ/Business some special-needs and/or psych/counseling, ECA stuff like Drama.

The smaller schools just starting out want to be able to fill multiple slots with a single hire, and that's when you get the extra responsibilities that look good for later.

Some schools only hire couples, so if you're going to fallin lerv, make the next girl a fellow IS-aspirant.

haha, you and I are doing a regular dosey doe here. My remark about TEFLing concerns my fate if I don't go home to complete my education. I'm saying, now she doesn't want me to go, but in time she may not admire the guy who stayed for her. I'm disinclined to risk that, I think.

Thanks for all the other teaching advice, though. It's much appreciated.

Edited June 19, 2013 by aTomsLife

[boosta]

haha, you and I are doing a regular dosey doe here. My remark about TEFLing concerns my fate if I don't go home to complete my education. I'm saying, now she doesn't want me to go, but in time she may not admire the guy who stayed for her. I'm disinclined to risk that, I think.

Thanks for all the other teaching advice, though. It's much appreciated.

-

There is no think, only do. . .

I know for a fact that you need and want to go, you're kidding yourself if you think sticking around has any chance of being a better choice for anyone.

[Mosha]

Many times I got asked by English speaking Thais :Is this your wife?"

Answering from a British perspective I would answer "Not Yet."

She let me know this was the wrong answer

OK we'd been together over 6 months, but I was answering from a legal point of view. Trust me living together over a few months. She thinks you are married

[Morakot]

My guess is that you just liked how it sounded in your mind so you thought you'd type it out. Try Twitter

Welcome to this forum. I hope you like it here and decide to continue your membership.

[aTomsLife]

Anyone else inclined to share a bit of their own break up history, or is this just gonna keep getting slung back at me?

I've never heard of a clean or amicable break up in Thailand in the 20 odd years I've been here.

My own experiences of ending relationships echo those of boosta - threats, violence, hysterics etc.

It seems a national trait for the one being dumped to turn aggressively adversarial, and it's mainly to do with face and its often the case that when the dumped party has been dumped for very good reason(infidelity, theft, etc) the aggression is even worse.

When a lady i was seeing on a pretty casual basis a few years ago wanted to stop seeing me, which would have been no big deal, rather than come out with it she behaved in such a bizarre fashion - standing me up on dates, being distant, leaving dates unexpectedly etc, that I ended up telling her it was not working and we should stop dating. i was then subjected to a month long campaign of SMS threats and insults, facebook insults and silent phone calls in the middle of the night. It came out much later via a mutual acquaintance that she wanted to end things with me as an ex-bf of hers, had unexpectedly announced his return to Thailand and she wanted to be available to him.

This, precisely, is my fear. It seems there are no amicable breakups here. I was hoping someone would chime in and tell me otherwise.

[villagefarang]

Anyone else inclined to share a bit of their own break up history, or is this just gonna keep getting slung back at me?

I never really had any big breakup problems because I made it clear that I was not “that guy.” I was the guy one would hangout with until one met “that guy.” Usually our relationships were kept secret for the sake of the girl’s reputation. That worked well through my 20s and 30s but I could see the writing on the wall and eventually settled down in my mid 40s.

Do her a favor and stop waisting her time. Girls usually have a shorter shelf life than we do so I always considered it is unfair to take their best years from them and limit their future options. Things have no doubt changed since my days as a single guy but that is my story.

[GooEng]

When a lady i was seeing on a pretty casual basis a few years ago wanted to stop seeing me, which would have been no big deal, rather than come out with it she behaved in such a bizarre fashion - standing me up on dates, being distant, leaving dates unexpectedly etc, that I ended up telling her it was not working and we should stop dating. i was then subjected to a month long campaign of SMS threats and insults, facebook insults and silent phone calls in the middle of the night. It came out much later via a mutual acquaintance that she wanted to end things with me as an ex-bf of hers, had unexpectedly announced his return to Thailand and she wanted to be available to him.

-

Making sure you REALLY didn't want her anymore? Don't try to make too much sense out of it, waste of time.

My aim was to illustrate the differences in the Thai mind-set. Rather than just tell me she didn't want to see me anymore the gal in question engineered things so that I ended it, then launched the insult assault blaming me. As far as making sense of it goes, I'm not arsed, the point is from a western standpoint there is no sense in this sort of behaviour.

[Eesat]

I read that she was nervous about dating the OP, took her time to get over her reservations, and now her nightmare has come true.

No wonder she's angry.

However that being the case I'm more interested in the answer to the question......." and the other part feels? "

There lies the answer to this conundrum.

You make a fair point. But her reservations have now turned into my reservations. Such is life. My nationality shouldn't preclude me from making what I feel is the best decision for myself. Knowing someone for ten months, and having her be my girlfriend for a couple of them does not a marriage make.

As for your question, part of me is still very interested in being with her, of course. I invested a lot of time and patience in her, too. But per the above, I'm not remotely close to proposing marriage, nor am I apt to put aside my career goals and hope things work out for the best. This country is changing too dam_n fast for that mentality. Now she may want me to stay, but perhaps when she realizes I'll never rise above being a TEFLer, who knows, she may up and leave me.

I agree that two months of dating does not a marriage make, but I'm reading some doubts in your mind now.

My best advice now would be for you to ask for the topic to be locked and go have a think to yourself.

Seems to me the OP's whole thread is about how he's fed up with people telling him what to do and he's just asking for some friendly advice,not more control freaks!

[Eesat]

Realise that the sweet,loving Thai girl you once knew has gone forever and assume you will now be facing a violent,psycopathic,hell-bent on destruction,Thai version of Chuckie from now on!

And I really thought in the beginning you were a sweet lovely girl. Now reading this is I'm not sure about you Eesat anymore...

Mate I've mentioned this on another thread but I'm a 6'0",110kg/17 stone guy,no idea what makes you think I'm a girl is it the username or what?

[Eesat]

Many times I got asked by English speaking Thais :Is this your wife?"

Answering from a British perspective I would answer "Not Yet."

She let me know this was the wrong answer

OK we'd been together over 6 months, but I was answering from a legal point of view. Trust me living together over a few months. She thinks you are married

Especially if you know what "Yet" means in Thai!

[greg71]

Im betting your wanting to leave asap ,these so called ladys are nothing but grown babys ,if she still persists tell her your incapable of producing offspring

[aTomsLife]

Im betting your wanting to leave asap ,these so called ladys are nothing but grown babys ,if she still persists tell her your incapable of producing offspring

Can't just pick up and go. Have to go through the process of applying to schools first. Also I'm in a contract here, and I wouldn't just ship on my students. None of this is their fault. So I'd be looking at an April departure, I suppose.

[boosta]

Mate I've mentioned this on another thread but I'm a 6'0",110kg/17 stone guy,no idea what makes you think I'm a girl is it the username or what?

-

I told you it's the underlying personality that shines through your lovely writing.

You never did answer my question as to your sexual preferences. . .