Asiabugle newsletter (good read!)

[michaelr]

From Asiabugle April2, 2003.

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War, what war? I want my BBC World back!

The wet season seems to have arrived early. The last week has seen rainstorms everywhere. But those hopeful that Songkran will be cancelled are out of luck.

In Bangkok, and therefore in most parts of the country, the 12th to 14th April are the designated get wet, iced and abused days. If you don’t like it stay at home. Pattaya gets taken over by football hooligans and other unpleasant creatures a week later for far too long, all still, and somewhat dubiously in the name of Songkran (the original Thai New Year).

The Cultural Minister has been suggesting the correct dress for young ladies is a sarong! Tank tops and hot pants are not becoming and the festival should be returned to a nice event for families etc. I could not agree more but I suspect he is p-----g into a hurricane.

I understand the Crown Group is trying to buy a go-go in Soi Cowboy. What on earth they want to get involved there for I have no idea. Nana Plaza, overall, is suffering from the Crown Groups incompetence, made worse by it being the operator of far too many bars for the good of the plaza. As they have nobody running the bars there at night, how on earth do they expect to manage a bar up the road. Let us hope that nothing comes of this.

I am told that the long impasse at Clinton Plaza is finally over and a deal should be completed in the next few days that will allow the demolition to begin at the end of May. The bar owners etc. will get some compensation but nowhere near what they were hoping for, however all fixtures and fittings can be removed in the weeks following the signing of the deal. Sounds to me like the bar owners lost, but there was little else they could do unless they wanted to spend the next few years attending intermittent court hearings.

Party Animals the world over, take note; improbable as it sounds (many would have laid good money against him getting that far) Larry of Rockhard fame is fifty on Thursday April 10th. Those who feel strong enough should forgather at Rockhard, Patong Beach, in the evening. I am sure it will be a memorable night and no doubt all kinds of dubious alcoholic potions will be on offer. I just hope that Larry’s birthday present, to himself, works out as he is planning it.

I had an email from Michael Greaves who was the original owner of Silver Dragon. He still has a large shareholding and thus, as he pointed out, it is not a totally French owned bar.

I get sent many jokes each week, most of which I enjoy but many are a trifle risqué even for this non PC publication. However I enjoyed this one and it is clean!

An airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed

rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."

To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up bitch."

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South sea island bubble bursts.

My problem with Patong, Phuket, is I tend to bowl in about once a year. Unfortunately my over riding memories are of the Patong of ten years ago when I jetted in from a cold Europe. Now my comparisons are tinged by associations with the other resorts of Thailand. And I am afraid I like what I see less and less. The traffic gets worse and worse, the fun gets sparser and sparser, on the streets the touts are more numerous and more aggressive, businesses are greedier and greedier, the prices grow and grow and the girls seem older and uglier.

How much of this is to do with the machinations of the Governor and the Tourist Authorities is hard to tell, but last year I reported that Phuket seemed to be losing its way. This year it has clearly lost it. Confusion reigns.

Over the last few months, particularly in the month leading up to Christmas, there was much talk about easing the 2 am closing. But this has failed to happen. Not even the unofficial easing, as in Pattaya.

There is a glut of new businesses from more hotels and guesthouses to bars and (seemingly) tuk tuk drivers. They all want to do well, but if indeed there are more tourists most people now think there are less since the new business arrivals have just diluted the market. Over supply brings about a correction in the supply, well that is the theory. But in Phuket, for the last few years, it seems to have had the opposite effect. Now only one thing can happen: the bubble must burst.

Evidence of this bursting bubble is beginning to show up:

Lack of business is driving excessive and intrusive touting, which is sure to put off people.

Hotels, desperate for every satang they can get, are advising tourists that it is not safe to go out at night. Great PR that, all those tourists back in their home countries telling their friends that it is not safe to go out at night in Thailand!

The go-gos are struggling to find girls, the bars are struggling to find pretty girls. Thus the most mobile of resources is moving to greener fields.

In the past, except in major hotels, a room was a room; additional guests did not matter. Now many hotels have introduced a “joiners fee” of 300 – 500 Baht. I had a most interesting conversation with The Aloha Hotel where I stayed last year. When I asked for a room they insisted upon asking for how many people. I was vague and I was firmly told that there would be a “joiners fee” applied to any guest I did not check in with. I took my Baht and went to that old favourite the Expat Hotel where recent renovations have upgraded this hotel to one of the best options for people like us. I will edit the hotels we recommended on the site to ensures none apply a “joiners fee.”

Soi Gonzo has reopened after its makeover. I trundled in and wondered if they had indeed re-built the place. When I looked down at the floor and drainage, and more carefully at the bars, yes I could see the improvements. But to all intents and purposes it was all the same: the same bar names, the same competing music and the same hustling girls. The girls did seem more aggressive on the hustle, so aggressive they put me off visiting their bars. Experience as a rugby centre in breaking tackles served me well.

I jumped though the gap to Soi Crocodile or Soi Katoey, as it is now known, and found a little solace in the non-Lady boy bars away from the road end. It was here I found the FBI bar. This bar has managed a clever marketing campaign and its tee shirts are everywhere. Finest Bar In Thailand is what the shirts say, but set to look like FBI, Thailand. It seemed to be a fun place with girls actively dancing on the bar. But I could not help but notice the owner. Fattest Bastard In Thailand was my conclusion. And I know some big boys!

Soi Sea Dragon is struggling to be the main bar soi. The problem is the entrance is a heaving mass of shrills and hustlers. So many as to actively put many people off entering the place. There are go-go bar shrills, chewing gum and flower sellers and the worst, the bloody tuk tuk drivers. They park so as to narrow the entrance and then grab and harass people. What are they doing there and why are they allowed to park as they are. The Governor has made comments about controlling the tuk tuks. For my money there are more and they are harassing people far more than ever before.

In the Soi itself the main new arrival has been TJs, or the Monkey Bar, as it is also known. This gogo isrun by Terry who has been around the block a few times working for several well known, and not so well known operators. He boasts that inside he has “Girls from the jungle looking for love!” Those tempted may be advised to look at the photo outside (see left). Terry has a good following and I am sure he will survive although I am not so sure about some of the other go-gos. The police robustly enforce a cover up policy so that if you want to see female flesh look on the beach or for that matter around the discos and bar beers where exposure is okay.

Another new bar is the Two Black Sheep located on the main back road (172, Rath-U-Thit Road) midway between Bangla and Swatdireck Roads. The main black sheep is Bill who hails from New Zealand via Hong Kong. Good food, live music and some lethal cocktails are the attraction. The cocktails come out of a slush machine and are given away to people making the right noises. “G’day Bill gimme a drink” may not work on it’s own, try please, and, if all else fails, say “Baronbonk said you would give me one!” Mind you it might be a good idea to buy a beer first!

I caterpillared into Rockhard Agogo and hit a full on party, in the guise of Larry. I have not seen him in Patong for quite a few years. It may be unfair on the regular managers but when Larry is in a bar a party takes place. Of course as the owner he can, and does, get away with behaviour that would have most of us ejected and as a result he knows how to get the place jumping. So for me, on this visit, Rockhard was a revitalised place. I think Larry is there to the end of April, on this trip. But maybe with no toys in Bangkok he will spend more time in Patong. Good for Rockhard, but Big Bill and the others may find it somewhat tedious.

Over the road from Rockhard is the Taipan. The one remaining bar is what was once a thriving late night bar area covering the length of Soi Sunset. Taipan is now unashamedly a disco. Here ex go-go dancers, banned from showing their bodies on a disco stage, can flash their wares. This is the place to look when the bars are closed, or about to close. Because when the techno starts up the crotches begin to wobble.

Nightmarch from Pattaya

The devil made me do it: Almost from the moment it opened its doors, the Diablo Diskotek (Walking Street) has proved to be a popular alternative to places like Tony’s and the evergreen Marine (both in Walking Street) for head bangers and jitterbug aficionados. Thirst quenchers are not cheap, with the amber nectar at 150 baht and lolly water 100 baht, but the disco is spacious and not too loud, while the front area has a good live band and, when they’re on a break, the music is good Top 40 dance style, tunes that almost everyone whose watched any sort of MTV in the last six months will be familiar with.

An extra ‘x’: It seems as if the management of the Soi 8 ogling den (where else but in Soi 8) finally realised they were getting close to being shut down for good with their behind-closed-doors-anything-goes-for-north-Asian-tourist-shows, and the chrome pole palace recently re-badged itself and is now known as Sexxy Girls. It has reopened to the general public rather than attempting to lure the Chinese, Japanese, and Koreans.

Draft amber fluid is 59 baht, liver wasters 89 baht and lady drinks a fair 85 baht with a tasty plate of peanuts supplied to each table. The music was far too loud, either the Thai DJ is deaf (more than likely) or he was trying to attract imbibers from as far away as Walking Street, but it was varied. The waitresses performed the now de rigeur act of pressuring customers to either purchase a lady drink for the damsel lurking nearby or quaff a 100 baht shot of tequila. The den had around 15 or so dancing maidens, some I recognised as veterans from places further south.

Not an Aston Martin in sight…yet: The new management of the Goldfingers ogling den (Soi 7) recently completed the first part of their expansion of the play palace. There is still a lot more work to be done, especially regarding the recruitment of more chrome pole molesters, but in the hope of enticing customers across the portal there is a happy hour between 7:00 p.m. and 9:00 p.m. with local bottles of amber fluid retailing at 50 baht. The den also has imported cans of that wonderful liquid Victoria Bitter, better known to all Aussies simply as VB, for 130 baht. Now that’s a beer.

On the way out: The beer boozers, Sierra Tango joints and odd noshery located along Soi 6/1 are already being knocked down and are set to be replaced by shop-houses. The place that will be missed the most by diners will probably be Street Kitchen, the rustic-style Thai nosh house run by the well-known and popular Panya. I’m told she’s moving her operation to somewhere on Third Road.

Yet another complex: Just in case you thought the removal of the bars along Soi 6/1 meant Pattaya was finally starting to scale down the number of boozatoriums in Fun Town, well I’m sorry to disappoint you, but just down Second Road, not far from the English fayre of Greg’s Kitchen, the ostentatiously-named Queen’s Park Plaza complex should be ready for business in the next few weeks.

According to the sign out the front, the place will have beer boozers, an ogling den, nosheries, massage facilities, and a karaoke lounge. Talk about trying to be all things to all people. I’m surprised there isn’t a child-minding centre and an old people’s rest home on the site as well.

Revaluation: Tony, the short-order spatula wielder in the Renoir’s upscale noshery (Soi Day-Night 2, in the Flamingo Hotel) left the place some weeks ago and management decided to reduce the impost on the daily four-course special menu from 249 to 175 baht. I’ve been in a few times since and the quality of the vittles remains at a high level and, as far as ambience goes, makes it a terrific venue to take a girlfriend or mistress. The munching den is closed on Tuesday’s.

Early classes: For those wishing to partake of cheap liquid refreshments in an air-conditioned atmosphere, the Classroom ogling den (Pattayaland Soi 2) is offering a three-hour happy hour zone from 3:00 p.m. until 6:00 p.m. with amber fluid, house liver wasters, Thai rotgut and lolly water at just 59 baht.

Vale, Big Tony: Tony Marotta, better known to his circle of friends as Tony Tuna, the big lug who ran the Uncle Charlie’s nosh-house in Soi Honey and was a regular in The Alamo boozer in Soi 8, died on March 11 of heart failure. The former New York copper was just 61 years old. Our sympathies and best wishes go out to his wife and family.

Fair’s fare: One of the most contentious arguments among Pattaya expats and regulars is the two-tiered pricing system imposed by the baht bus drivers who ply the standard route along Beach Road and Second Road. While the fare for a Thai national is five baht, many drivers demand 10 baht from fair-skinned foreigners.

It is nothing more than extortion. I stopped eating at a small Thai place in Soi 17 many years ago when a young Thai boy sitting at a table opposite me, eating the same dish as myself, was charged 10 baht less. He looked at the vendor and asked her why was I being charged more. Her reply was a succinct, “farang.” What she and the baht bus drivers forget is that it is because of foreign tourism that they are here in Pattaya earning, as a rule, a far more profitable living than back in their home village of Ban Kwai Yai.

If you think I’m wrong, just compare the following short list and let me know where I’ve lost the plot:

1. Fares to and from Jomtien are pegged at 10 baht, whether you are a Thai or a foreigner. Fair.

2. The fare for a bus to Ekkamai or Morchit from the north Pattaya bus station is 90 baht, whether you are a Thai or a foreigner. Fair.

3. Fares on the BTS in Bangkok are clearly marked and apply equally whether you are a Thai or a foreigner. Fair.

4. Fares on public transport buses in Bangkok and other Thai cities are also the same for Thais and foreigners. Fair.

5. Price differential. Consider the trip by an air-conditioned mini-bus from Hat Yai to Songhkla- a distance of around 30 kilometres- and being dropped off anywhere you ask for 19 baht. Now, consider a trip in an open-sided songthaew a distance of around two kilometres (from South Pattaya Road to Big C) and being threatened either verbally and/or physically if you don’t hand over 10 baht. Extortion?

My e-mail address is: [email protected]

Author of Pattaya "Patpong on steroids"