More Golf Jokes

[SamuiRes]

A gushy reporter told Phil Michelson, "You are spectacular, your name

is synonymous with the game of golf.

You really know your way around the course. What's your secret?"

Michelson replied, "The holes are numbered"

>------------------------------------------------------

A young man and a priest are playing together.

At a short par-3 the priest asks,

"What are you going to use on this hole my son?"

The young man says, "An 8-iron, father. How about you?"

The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."

The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green.

The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.

The young man says,

"I don't know about you father, but in my church when we pray, we keep

our head down."

>----------------------------------------------------

Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody

5-iron standing over a lifeless man.

The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"

"Yes" says the woman.

"Did you hit him with that golf club?"

"Yes, yes, I did." The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts

her, hands on her face.

"How many times did you hit him?"

"I don't know, five, six, maybe seven times.....just put me down for a

five."

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A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit

his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening

between two trees he thought he could hit through. Taking out his

3-wood, he took another mighty swing; the ball hit a tree, bounced

back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.

As he approached the gates of Heaven, St.Peter saw him coming and

asked,

"Are you a good golfer", to which the man replied:

"Got here in two, didn't I?"

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The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar the groom

was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.

She said:" What are your golf clubs doing here?"

He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all

day, is it?"

[John_Betong]

...and two more

The Nun playing golf

A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it" When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder.

Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that is hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."

"Is that when you swore?"

"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."

"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again.

"Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running,an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"

"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun ?

"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws,it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."

"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.

"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green and stopped about six inches from the hole.

The two nuns were silent for a moment...................

Then Mother Superior sighed and said,

"You missed the f**king putt, didn't you?

================//==============

Fore!

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him earnestly.

"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright. I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together in his groin.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him "How does that feel?"

He replied "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hel_l."

================//==============

[SamuiRes]

Subject: Husband-Wife golf story, very touching.....

Joe is teeing off from the Back Tees. On his downswing he realizes that

his wife Mary is teeing up on the Red Tees directly in his way. Unable

to stop his swing he nails it and hits her directly in the temple and

kills her instantly.

A few days later Joe gets a call from the coroner regarding her autopsy.

Coroner: "Joe, your wife seemed to have died from blunt force trauma

to the head. You said you hit a golf ball and hit her in the temple, is

that correct?"

Joe: "Yes sir, that's correct"

Coroner: "Joe, I also found a golf ball wedged in her behind"

Joe: "Was it a Titleist 3 ?"

Coroner: "Yes, It was"

Joe: "That must have been my mulligan

[John_Betong]

..and another

A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.

To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green.

After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.

The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only three feet tall."