In his relentless search for the breaking story this reporter has been

going out on dark nights and doing things that do not concern you.

Reports have been coming in to this office which might suggest to

some that the current powers-that-be are maybe taking some lessons

from their predecessors.

Yes , we are talking about "extra-judicial" action.

Three men , of Indian sub-continent origin , have been discovered

on the outskirts of Patong bound and gagged and wearing only a turban ,

a very badly fitting jacket and a business card from a tailor's shop

stapled to a part of their anatomy designed to respect the norms

on public decency.

In a possibly related story there has apparently been a positive

epidemic of men admitted to hospitals in many tourist resorts

needing giant Zippo cigarette lighters surgically removed from

their rectums.

We have , of course , heard the rumours of Pattaya bar "employees"

being found buried up to their necks in bovine excreta. We have traced

this story to it's source and can affirm that it is an exaggerated "urban

myth" based on a lady who pooped her pants when three of the six

foreignors who sent her money every month arrived in her "place of

employment" simultaneously and unnanounced.

We have thoroughly investigated these reports and we wish to stress

that there is abosolutely no evidence of official involvement.

An administration source (speaking under condition of anonymity

because he is not even authorised to talk to his cat) said the authorities

had heard these stories , and while not wishing to give theme any credence

said the "Committee who check anything that might be a bit dodgy" had

been asked to look into these matters.

A committeee spokesman , when contacted (and again under conditions

of anonymity) confirmed that the question was high on their list but

would have to wait until they got a decision on how much they were

going to be paid for their new jobs , where was the best office they

could move into and which members of their families could succeed

them when their term expired in one year.

Watch this space!

And remember!

You heard it here last!

you're a tough competition for the Pattaya People paper...

Unconfirmed reports are coming in concerning two previously

obscure pressure groups joining forces on a common issue.

The President of the Commitee for Repression of Adolescent

Promiscuity was recently seen in animated conversation with

the Secretary General of the Society for Health in Thailand

in a Sukhumvit karaoke bar.

Their conversation was overheard by a confidential but

reliable source.

Their common interest/target ?

Flavoured condoms.

The President of CRAP had the view that the confectionary

element would induce young people to indulge in deviant

sexual practices prematurely. This is somewhat reminiscent

of the brief controversy after the launching of "alco-pops"

in Europe , thought to lead youngsters headlong into the

abyss of alcoholism.

His counterpart in SHIT was obviously more concerned with

the health aspects. The high sugar content in the coatings used

could lead to obesity , tooth decay , cardiac problems and

diabetes.

This may blow over or it may not.

But , if you are a consumer of these products you might wish to

lay in a small reserve before they disappear from your 7/11.

Remember , you heard it here last !

We have , of course , heard the rumours of Pattaya bar "employees"

being found buried up to their necks in bovine excreta. We have traced

this story to it's source and can affirm that it is an exaggerated "urban

myth" based on a lady who pooped her pants when three of the six

foreignors who sent her money every month arrived in her "place of

employment" simultaneously and unnanounced.

We have , of course , heard the rumours of Pattaya bar "employees"

being found buried up to their necks in bovine excreta. We have traced

this story to it's source and can affirm that it is an exaggerated "urban

myth" based on a lady who pooped her pants when three of the six

foreignors who sent her money every month arrived in her "place of

employment" simultaneously and unnanounced.

Took youy a little while to understand all the words there ?

Admit it !

Reading between the lines in a local broadsheet , this reporter

spotted an aspect all the competition seems to have missed.

According to the Bangkok Post :

1) In 1997 Khunying Potjaman Shiniwatra gave 738 million

to her brother Bannapot Damapong.

2) The gentleman used this cash windfall to buy Shin Corp

shares from the Shiniwatra family's maid.

Now the attention of everybody seemed to be focused on

who should pay tax on what. Unfortunately this reporter is

woefully ignorant where fiscal matters are concerned. It did

seem , however , that the profession of maid must be a good

little earner. After all the maid must have bought the shares

in the first place.

Now there was one immediate obstacle to this reporter's

next career move. Most , if not all , maids are women and

this reporter is not. "No problem" exclaimed the occupant

of the adjacent bar stool. He recommended one or two

cosy little brasseries in Patpong which were patronised

by people who had overcome gender obstacles in the

aim of changing their profession.

Let me tell you , when they saw I was serious and not

some mentally deranged thrill seeker , these ladies

could not have been more helpful. They certainly

amazed me with their detailed knowledge of advances

in medical science. The only hesitation was when I enquired

about costs. After exchanging some pained looks they

warned me that for me the final bill might be at the

high end of the price range.

You cannot imagine my disappointment when , in answer

to a question about why I wanted to do this , one of them

pointed out that the job of domestic servant was not open

to foreignors and rarely paid more than 3000b per month.

The second piece of information immediately told me I

was on a false trail.

Thinking cap back on , boy !

Eureka ! She borrowed the money ! Somewhere out

there are financial institutions prepared to turn paupers

into tycoons if you can hit them with the right pitch.

First thing tomorrow I shall start phoning round the banks!

PS any of you financial whizzes out there got an idea of

the market capitalisation of Microsoft and at what price

level a hostile bid might succeed ? Well the first question

I'm going to be asked tomorrow is how much I want to

borrow , isn't it ?