John Cleeses’ Letter To America

[DFCarlson]

John Cleeses’ Letter To America

To the citizens of the United States of America:

In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium," and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise".

You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra'; you may elect to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you find you simply can't cope with correct pronunciation.

Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up "vocabulary"). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."

3. You will relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in England.It will be called "Come-Uppance Day."

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.

Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect.

At the same time, you will go metric immediately and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling "gasoline") -roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with mayonnaise but with vinegar.

10. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." American brands will be referred to as "Near-Frozen Goat's Urine," so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

13. You will cease playing American "football." There is only one kind of proper football; you call it "soccer." Those of you brave enough will, in time, will be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the "World Series" for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.

14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due backdated to 1776.

Thank you for your co-operation.

[rio666uk]

13. is my favourite

[Buckwheat]

It wasn't that great when it was posted here the first time...

http://www.thaivisa.com/forum/index.php?sh...91&view=new

[DFCarlson]

It wasn't that great when it was posted here the first time...

http://www.thaivisa.com/forum/index.php?sh...91&view=new

Oops! Sorry Buckwheat, I missed it! But it is a good one!

[Disco]

It wasn't that great when it was posted here the first time...

http://www.thaivisa.com/forum/index.php?sh...91&view=new

Oops! Sorry Buckwheat, I missed it! But it is a good one!

I don't care, I've not seen it before and I needed a good laugh, cheers!! And yes, it is that funny....

[wolf359]

An idea, lets send them John Proscott (2 Jags and the fat b-stard to those that know him) he will make an ideal Governor of America as he does bu--er all now and he could not make conditions worse !!!!! or could he ??????????

[Buckwheat]

I don't care, I've not seen it before and I needed a good laugh, cheers!! And yes, it is that funny....

I just never cared for John Cleese. He was ok collectively with Monty Python, but I never took a liking to him solo. I did, however, think Benny Hill was hilarious!

Maybe my sense of humor needs calibration.

[lannarebirth]

I don't care, I've not seen it before and I needed a good laugh, cheers!! And yes, it is that funny....

I just never cared for John Cleese. He was ok collectively with Monty Python, but I never took a liking to him solo. I did, however, think Benny Hill was hilarious!

Maybe my sense of humor needs calibration.

No, your sense of humor is alright. Monty Python is just not that funny, save for a couple of their movies, which were very good. They have good comedic talent but the writing was generally subpar for television. They took the time to get it right for cinema. One keeps hearing about them being Britains great gift to world humor, but it just isn't so.

[Disco]

I don't care, I've not seen it before and I needed a good laugh, cheers!! And yes, it is that funny....

I just never cared for John Cleese. He was ok collectively with Monty Python, but I never took a liking to him solo. I did, however, think Benny Hill was hilarious!

Maybe my sense of humor needs calibration.

No, your sense of humor is alright. Monty Python is just not that funny, save for a couple of their movies, which were very good. They have good comedic talent but the writing was generally subpar for television. They took the time to get it right for cinema. One keeps hearing about them being Britains great gift to world humor, but it just isn't so.

Still don't care, JC just make me laugh even just lookin at him, it's all about the timing...but then again it's what ever floats your boat...

[brahmburgers]

Will the Queen force geriatric hippie chicks to shave their legs also?

And will hamburgers be replaced with black-colored meat paste sandwiches?

[rods]

I don't care, I've not seen it before and I needed a good laugh, cheers!! And yes, it is that funny....

I just never cared for John Cleese. He was ok collectively with Monty Python, but I never took a liking to him solo. I did, however, think Benny Hill was hilarious!

Maybe my sense of humor needs calibration.

'A chaqun son gout' or however it's written. Still; have you seen any of Cleese's Fawlty Towers series? (written with his ex-wife). Marvellous.

[DrFisher]

That's funny So, how did the British Empire lose all it's territory anyway? Must have been that tea tax mad George imposed on us. Well, never mind we have a new king George on the throne and he is just as mad.

[chuchok]

I don't care, I've not seen it before and I needed a good laugh, cheers!! And yes, it is that funny....

I just never cared for John Cleese. He was ok collectively with Monty Python, but I never took a liking to him solo. I did, however, think Benny Hill was hilarious!

Maybe my sense of humor needs calibration.

benny hill was slapstick humour...that's why he did well in the USA.John Cleese was/is a little more on the cerebral side of things.

[gpt]

There has been and always will be a difference between UK humour and US humour. Slapstick, mime and other types of visual humour work the world over. A lot of humour depends on your mood, age and situation. My ex-wife used to enjoy a British sit-com called 'Bread' and I did not. On a trailer for one episode there was a funny one-liner and I laughed. She said 'Why are you laughing you don't like the programme?' I was laughing at a one-liner that amused me.

American TV comedy seems to rely on canned laughter because we all know that laughter is infectious, to me that does not add anything to the programme but takes it away.

In my opinion, the closest that US and UK humour were almost in sync - Monty Python in the UK and Rowan & Martin in the US. There will be plenty of people who will disagree with me.

[chiang mai]

There has been and always will be a difference between UK humour and US humour. Slapstick, mime and other types of visual humour work the world over. A lot of humour depends on your mood, age and situation. My ex-wife used to enjoy a British sit-com called 'Bread' and I did not. On a trailer for one episode there was a funny one-liner and I laughed. She said 'Why are you laughing you don't like the programme?' I was laughing at a one-liner that amused me.

American TV comedy seems to rely on canned laughter because we all know that laughter is infectious, to me that does not add anything to the programme but takes it away.

In my opinion, the closest that US and UK humour were almost in sync - Monty Python in the UK and Rowan & Martin in the US. There will be plenty of people who will disagree with me.

Oh dear, not even close I'm afraid but I guess you would have to be a Brit to understand that. Nevertheless I respect your opinion.

[lannarebirth]

There has been and always will be a difference between UK humour and US humour. Slapstick, mime and other types of visual humour work the world over. A lot of humour depends on your mood, age and situation. My ex-wife used to enjoy a British sit-com called 'Bread' and I did not. On a trailer for one episode there was a funny one-liner and I laughed. She said 'Why are you laughing you don't like the programme?' I was laughing at a one-liner that amused me.

American TV comedy seems to rely on canned laughter because we all know that laughter is infectious, to me that does not add anything to the programme but takes it away.

In my opinion, the closest that US and UK humour were almost in sync - Monty Python in the UK and Rowan & Martin in the US. There will be plenty of people who will disagree with me.

Oh dear, not even close I'm afraid but I guess you would have to be a Brit to understand that. Nevertheless I respect your opinion.

I would say British comedy has more in common with Thai comedy than American. Both seem to think that men in dresses is high art.

[Pink Mist]

I don't care, I've not seen it before and I needed a good laugh, cheers!! And yes, it is that funny....

I just never cared for John Cleese. He was ok collectively with Monty Python, but I never took a liking to him solo. I did, however, think Benny Hill was hilarious!

Maybe my sense of humor needs calibration.

benny hill was slapstick humour...that's why he did well in the USA.John Cleese was/is a little more on the cerebral side of things.

You south pacific soapies would appreciate him chucky

[gpt]

There has been and always will be a difference between UK humour and US humour. Slapstick, mime and other types of visual humour work the world over. A lot of humour depends on your mood, age and situation. My ex-wife used to enjoy a British sit-com called 'Bread' and I did not. On a trailer for one episode there was a funny one-liner and I laughed. She said 'Why are you laughing you don't like the programme?' I was laughing at a one-liner that amused me.

American TV comedy seems to rely on canned laughter because we all know that laughter is infectious, to me that does not add anything to the programme but takes it away.

In my opinion, the closest that US and UK humour were almost in sync - Monty Python in the UK and Rowan & Martin in the US. There will be plenty of people who will disagree with me.

Oh dear, not even close I'm afraid but I guess you would have to be a Brit to understand that. Nevertheless I respect your opinion.

That, at the time, was my British opinion and also that of some of my British friends. I have not watched 'Laugh-In' for years but I do have a nice collection of Python DVDs here, my opinion today may be different if I did a comparision today. Your opinion is the opposite. It would be a strange world if we all had the same taste. If I were to list 10 of my favourite comedians or sitcoms and you did the same then appraised each other's list what would the result be?