"Mother of pubic hair, we have no water!"

:D

one of the funniest things that happened to me was when i was working as a tour leader. i was running a family trip with 4 families and we were at the FAE elephant hospital in lampang. there was a very naughty baby elephant there called BB who was a real little terror. he kept on putting his front legs on the railing and reaching over with his trunk at all of the group. (yes, we were a little close, but it didnt seem dangerous at the time as the elephants were behind a fence).

anyway, one brave little 9 year old, christopher, was posing for a photo in front of the elephant (elephant was behind him) when little BB reached over and pulled the kids head into his mouth! not right in, mind you, but enough to have a thick coating of elephant spit all through his hair. anyway, the trunk was going over the kids eyes and whatever. we were all having a bit of a laugh, but then common sense kicked in and i called out 'christopher...you should take your head out of the elephants mouth now'.

he didnt.

i said it again and all i can recall is his arms flailing about. we were all in hysterics, his parents included, and then i went over and extracted the child from the elephants gob.

after the event (we were all still laughing at it), i asked him if he could hear me calling him.

'no.....all i could hear was ttthhhhwwwkkkkk ttthhhhwwwkkkkk ttthhhhwwwkkkkk from the elephants mouth'.

as if that wasnt funny enough, one of the parents also got it on video.

i cried with laughter for days just thinking about that.

I have seen the vid of a guy who's head got stuck up an Elephants bum.......now that WAS REALLY FUNNY!!!

Koh PhanGan breakfast entertainment: Thai farmer with machete hacking at a python that hasn't quite swallowed the whole 10,000 baht chicken.

KPG Full Moon entertainment: Samui lady boys strolling in the sand wearing 5-inch stilettos.

KPG sports entertainment: 45kg kid knocking out big policeman in Muay Thai grudge match (cop busted kid's brother for drugs).

Mae Sai - American Backpacker bragging about how cheap he got a Playstation in Burma. I point out that Playstation and Polystation are not the same. Poor guy.

Chiang Mai - I'm taking a shortcut home through a very off the beaten track neighbourhood. A woman seeing me points to me and yells loudly "Farang!" For some strange reason I pointed back and yelled "Thai!". As I drove past her stunned look faded and she was cracking up laughing.

Phuket - Watching a farang pulling up to one of those back alley petrol stations and trying to buy a bottle of what he thought was 100 Pipers. (For the uninitiated it's how they package their gasoline )

Chiang Mai - Four ladyboys balanced somehow on a sputtering Honda Dio passing a bottle of Leo between them as they wobble down Doi Saket Road at 1am.

Mae Sai - American Backpacker bragging about how cheap he got a Playstation in Burma. I point out that Playstation and Polystation are not the same. Poor guy.

Chiang Mai - I'm taking a shortcut home through a very off the beaten track neighbourhood. A woman seeing me points to me and yells loudly "Farang!" For some strange reason I pointed back and yelled "Thai!". As I drove past her stunned look faded and she was cracking up laughing.

Phuket - Watching a farang pulling up to one of those back alley petrol stations and trying to buy a bottle of what he thought was 100 Pipers. (For the uninitiated it's how they package their gasoline )

Chiang Mai - Four ladyboys balanced somehow on a sputtering Honda Dio passing a bottle of Leo between them as they wobble down Doi Saket Road at 1am.

I especially like the 100 Pipers. TFF

The three old men who 'owned' the operation were in absolute hysterics.

Did they sell it to him, and more importantly, did he drink it? Couldn't be worse than lao khao.

Did they sell it to him, and more importantly, did he drink it? Couldn't be worse than lao khao.

No, after a quick sniff he departed quite quickly.

Did they sell it to him, and more importantly, did he drink it? Couldn't be worse than lao khao.

No, after a quick sniff he departed quite quickly.

Bummer.

Samui village: Overly well-endowed farang bimbo enters a local grocery wearing a thong and some beads. Chulalongkorn-educated lady owner rushes young female staff and Grandma into the back storeroom to hide. Farang cannot figure out why there is no service, gets angry and starts shouting. Another farang has to explain the why and what for.

Wonder if these doughheads walk around naked in their hometowns.

Hotel Ubon Ratchathani. escorting business contact /friend nice guy but a little puritanical who had been a little shocked when propositioned in his hotel in Bangkok (chance encounter with hooker in lift). Best hotel in Ubon told him he wouldn,t experience any such problems here.

He came down to meet my wife and I for dinner and eventually broached the subject that was obviously bothering him. Apparently this hotel was also a den of vice, the chamber maid had knocked on his door and asked "Are you lonely ?" to which he replied no thanks and closed the door, trembling at his close encounter no doubt. Then he said,

" The strange thing she was holding my shirts which I had sent to be washed, but she left them on the door handle after that"

Cue my wife, in between wiping away her tears of laughter she explained,

"Up here they cant pronounce there "r"s, the maid was saying "Here your laundry"

Lol, Roamer. Right up there with the ubiquitous restaurant Q "you wan lice?" and all the nicknames like Pu, Pee, Kak...

Indeed Jet, though to be fair its hard to beat your earlier response "Um I'm a girl" funniest thing I read tonight

Ya, Roamer, and I was just being honest. lol

Mind you, not as funny to me as jEFFREY's ....."Mother of pubic hair, we have no water!" which was a broad coffee spit on the monitor screen. Glad I wasn't drinking wine.

Edited January 4, 200719 yr by Jet Gorgon

Somewhere in Thailand, on a Thai language forum, in the topic "Silly Farang Stories" is a maid from Ubon Ratchathani writing......

Edited January 4, 200719 yr by cdnvic

Somewhere in Thailand, on a Thai language forum, in the topic "Silly Farang Stories" is a maid from Ubon Ratchathani writing......

Oh, please, sir, give me her number...and then give us a story.

When I was first learning to speak some Thai I was asked why I stay in Thailand for months when I don't work. I confidently explained in Thai that I don't like the snow in my country. The only problem was hima came out as he mah. I got some very quizical looks so I said it again thinking my pronunciation was wrong. This time I stressed hee maah so they would surely get the gist I don't like snow. To my consternation everybody started cracking up.

It was a good lesson on the importance of vowel length.

OK, Tim207, could you please translate that for us non-owners of Thai language manuals?

When I was first learning to speak some Thai I was asked why I stay in Thailand for months when I don't work. I confidently explained in Thai that I don't like the snow in my country. The only problem was hima came out as he mah. I got some very quizical looks so I said it again thinking my pronunciation was wrong. This time I stressed hee maah so they would surely get the gist I don't like snow. To my consternation everybody started cracking up.

It was a good lesson on the importance of vowel length.

[/quote

If Tim doesn't get back to us let me explain "hima" is snow "he mah" the way he probably pronounced it means dog shit. Not sure I,m allowed to say that word here.

Off to bed, good night to you all.

In fact I've been thinking about that, the intonation would probably make it "dog pussy"

Edited January 5, 200719 yr by roamer

Thanks, roamer. Oh, dear.

And I know that "miss" is very bad, but never learned the meaning.

If Tim doesn't get back to us let me explain "hima" is snow "he mah" the way he probably pronounced it means dog shit. Not sure I,m allowed to say that word here.

Off to bed, good night to you all.

In fact I've been thinking about that, the intonation would probably make it "dog pussy"

Sorry, I thought that would be understood by most here. I did infact mistakenly give my reason for being in Thailand as a dislike for the dog pussy in my home country.

Edited January 5, 200719 yr by Tim207

If Tim doesn't get back to us let me explain "hima" is snow "he mah" the way he probably pronounced it means dog shit. Not sure I,m allowed to say that word here.

Off to bed, good night to you all.

In fact I've been thinking about that, the intonation would probably make it "dog pussy"

Sorry, I thought that would be understood by most here. I did infact give my reason for being in Thailand as a dislike for the dog pussy in my home country.

I do not like zoophiles. I think your reference to whatever the sexual persuasion you are referring to in you home country is puerile and prurient, and not fitting to this discussion.

1) During a visit to a bar in Nana Plaza, imagine my consternation when I found out that the 'hostesses' were actually men.

2) During a visit to Soi Cowboy, one of my entourage decided to strip down to his briefs and prance about on stage.

1. Used to be elephants brought into Bangkok. The handler would herd the elephants into tourist areas and beg for a few baht supposedly for food for the elephant. There was once when an female elephant was just too hungry and couldn't pass up a cart of fruit that a Thai woman was selling nearby. The handler and the women were screaming and swinging sticks and brooms at the elephant, which just kept eating away at the fruit. Finally the elephant got perturbed at the two people swinging sticks at her and yelling. She didn't do anything that violent, she just pushed the two humans toward a nearby klong, and into the klong.

2. Same situation as you described at Soi Cowboy, but once in Patpong a Aussie tourist woman got a little carried away and joined the topless go-go dancers on the stage. No problem, it was all good fun, until she decided to go topless also. Mama-San turned out the lights on the dance stage just in time. Too bad, she was good looking too.

1) During a visit to a bar in Nana Plaza, imagine my consternation when I found out that the 'hostesses' were actually men.

2) During a visit to Soi Cowboy, one of my entourage decided to strip down to his briefs and prance about on stage.

1. Used to be elephants brought into Bangkok. The handler would herd the elephants into tourist areas and beg for a few baht supposedly for food for the elephant. There was once when an female elephant was just too hungry and couldn't pass up a cart of fruit that a Thai woman was selling nearby. The handler and the women were screaming and swinging sticks and brooms at the elephant, which just kept eating away at the fruit. Finally the elephant got perturbed at the two people swinging sticks at her and yelling. She didn't do anything that violent, she just pushed the two humans toward a nearby klong, and into the klong.

2. Same situation as you described at Soi Cowboy, but once in Patpong a Aussie tourist woman got a little carried away and joined the topless go-go dancers on the stage. No problem, it was all good fun, until she decided to go topless also. Mama-San turned out the lights on the dance stage just in time. Too bad, she was good looking too.

got the pcs for us?

1) During a visit to a bar in Nana Plaza, imagine my consternation when I found out that the 'hostesses' were actually men.

2) During a visit to Soi Cowboy, one of my entourage decided to strip down to his briefs and prance about on stage.

1. Used to be elephants brought into Bangkok. The handler would herd the elephants into tourist areas and beg for a few baht supposedly for food for the elephant. There was once when an female elephant was just too hungry and couldn't pass up a cart of fruit that a Thai woman was selling nearby. The handler and the women were screaming and swinging sticks and brooms at the elephant, which just kept eating away at the fruit. Finally the elephant got perturbed at the two people swinging sticks at her and yelling. She didn't do anything that violent, she just pushed the two humans toward a nearby klong, and into the klong.

2. Same situation as you described at Soi Cowboy, but once in Patpong a Aussie tourist woman got a little carried away and joined the topless go-go dancers on the stage. No problem, it was all good fun, until she decided to go topless also. Mama-San turned out the lights on the dance stage just in time. Too bad, she was good looking too.

got the pcs for us?

sorry, I meant pics not pcs...

Visiting Lopburi....

The missus had an umbrella (unwrapped) in her left hand and bag of fruit in her right hand, we were walking out of the market, her behind as she was looking at yet more shoes.

I heard a scream and looked around to see a large monkey walking towards her. She was trying to shoo it away with the umbrella, at which point the big monkey grabbed the umbrella with both hands and pulled it off her.. I started to laugh.

At this moment a little monkey jumped out from under a parked car, grabbed her bag of fruit and ran back under the parked car. Missus was in a freenzy - I was laughing wildly.

The missus walked up and started beating me... - The Thais all around broke into hysterical laughter..... me too, which made her hit me more, the Thais laughed louder....

Visiting Lopburi....

The missus had an umbrella (unwrapped) in her left hand and bag of fruit in her right hand, we were walking out of the market, her behind as she was looking at yet more shoes.

I heard a scream and looked around to see a large monkey walking towards her. She was trying to shoo it away with the umbrella, at which point the big monkey grabbed the umbrella with both hands and pulled it off her.. I started to laugh.

At this moment a little monkey jumped out from under a parked car, grabbed her bag of fruit and ran back under the parked car. Missus was in a freenzy - I was laughing wildly.

The missus walked up and started beating me... - The Thais all around broke into hysterical laughter..... me too, which made her hit me more, the Thais laughed louder....

How much for that monkey?

Visiting Lopburi....

The missus had an umbrella (unwrapped) in her left hand and bag of fruit in her right hand, we were walking out of the market, her behind as she was looking at yet more shoes.

I heard a scream and looked around to see a large monkey walking towards her. She was trying to shoo it away with the umbrella, at which point the big monkey grabbed the umbrella with both hands and pulled it off her.. I started to laugh.

At this moment a little monkey jumped out from under a parked car, grabbed her bag of fruit and ran back under the parked car. Missus was in a freenzy - I was laughing wildly.

The missus walked up and started beating me... - The Thais all around broke into hysterical laughter..... me too, which made her hit me more, the Thais laughed louder....

How much for that monkey?

I'd never sell her - she's a great cook.

Visiting Lopburi....

The missus had an umbrella (unwrapped) in her left hand and bag of fruit in her right hand, we were walking out of the market, her behind as she was looking at yet more shoes.

I heard a scream and looked around to see a large monkey walking towards her. She was trying to shoo it away with the umbrella, at which point the big monkey grabbed the umbrella with both hands and pulled it off her.. I started to laugh.

At this moment a little monkey jumped out from under a parked car, grabbed her bag of fruit and ran back under the parked car. Missus was in a freenzy - I was laughing wildly.

The missus walked up and started beating me... - The Thais all around broke into hysterical laughter..... me too, which made her hit me more, the Thais laughed louder....

How much for that monkey?

I'd never sell her - she's a great cook.

Oh, I meant for collection services.

Visiting Lopburi....

The missus had an umbrella (unwrapped) in her left hand and bag of fruit in her right hand, we were walking out of the market, her behind as she was looking at yet more shoes.

I heard a scream and looked around to see a large monkey walking towards her. She was trying to shoo it away with the umbrella, at which point the big monkey grabbed the umbrella with both hands and pulled it off her.. I started to laugh.

At this moment a little monkey jumped out from under a parked car, grabbed her bag of fruit and ran back under the parked car. Missus was in a freenzy - I was laughing wildly.

The missus walked up and started beating me... - The Thais all around broke into hysterical laughter..... me too, which made her hit me more, the Thais laughed louder....

How much for that monkey?

I'd never sell her - she's a great cook.

Oh, I meant for collection services.

The monkies in Lopburi are "real little monkies". I'm told that gangs train them to steal things, especially from tourists, but I think in this case the big monkey was just showing that he's tough (a bit like Donc does on this forum) and the little monkey was hungry.

On another trip to Lopburi I saw a monkey jump on a woman's head, at the bus stop. She was in a frenzy, but the monkey was pretty relaxed and just sat there for 15 seconds or so...