Friday Jokes

[Jamesyboi]

These two boys were talking about their sex lives and different techniques to make it really good. One of the guys asked the other if he knew how to do it rodeo-style. The other guy said no and asked him to explain.

''That's where you start out doing it doggy-style, hold a breast in each hand, tell her that she feels SO much like your ex-girlfriend, then see if you can hold on for 8 seconds!''

A man got pulled over by a cop because he was weaving in and out of the lanes. The cop got out of his car and asked the driver to blow in a breath-analyzer tube to check his alcohol level.

"Oh, no," the driver said. "I can't do that. If I do that, I'll have an asthma attack and die."

"OK," said the officer, "let's go down to the station and you can pee in a cup to check your alcohol level."

"Oh, no, I can't do that. I'm a diabetic and if I pee my blood sugar level will go down so low that I might die."

"Fine then. Let's go to the station and take a blood test to check your alcohol level."

"Oh, no, I can't do that. I'm a hemophiliac and I'll never stop bleeding if you draw my blood.

"All right then, just step outside your car and walk this white line for me."

"Oh, no, I can't do that."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm drunk."

When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried.

Terrified, the drunk ran and got the town magistrate to come and listen to it.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."

So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing."

One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step.

Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step.

So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.

So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"

Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman:? "Is there a problem, Officer?"

Officer:? "Ma'am, you were speeding."

Older Woman:?

"Oh, I see."

Officer:? "Can I see your license please?"

Older Woman: "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."

Officer:? "Don't have one? "

Older Woman:? "Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving. "

Officer:? "I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. "

Older Woman:? "I can't do that. "

Officer:? "Why not? "

Older Woman:? "I stole this car. "

Officer:? "Stole it? "

Older Woman:? "Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner."

Officer:? "You what? "

Older Woman:? "His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see."

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2:? "Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!" The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman:? "Is there a problem sir?"

Officer 2:? "One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."

Older Woman:? "Murdered the owner? "

Officer 2:? "Yes, would you open the trunk of your car, please."

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2:? "Is this your car, ma'am?"

Older Woman:? "Yes, here are the registration papers." The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2:? "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license."

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a driver's license and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2:?

"Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you u didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner."

Older Woman:?

"Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too."

MORAL:

Don't Mess With Little Old Ladies

[Pink Mist]

some oldies but goodies there