Should You Tell Them?

[jayenram]

I've lived here in Thailand for over 5 years yet I do not purport to be an expert on Thai customs, styles or women (any nationality). However, we occasionally get "fresh out of the box" farangs asking advice about weddings, dowries, house building, etc., etc. I've experienced problems myself and I've seen many other farangs take the long winding road to unhappiness and bankruptcy. The question is; when a farang arrives in town, fresh from Pattaya or Bangkok, with what appears to be young lady from a bar (given the mumblers and the haulter top) should he be warned of the potential pitfalls associated with country living and her probable family requirements?

I remember a farang a few years ago (who is now a good friend) asking "how much does it cost to get married in Thailand?" I replied that it costs a total of Bht 70.00 (Bht 50.00 for the marriage plus Bht 20.00 to renew her ID). "So why is my potential future wife telling me I need to pay Bht 100,000.00 plus 6 baht of gold?" His wife is now a good friend of the FG but she still treats me with a little mistrust.

[gburns57au]

I've lived here in Thailand for over 5 years yet I do not purport to be an expert on Thai customs, styles or women (any nationality). However, we occasionally get "fresh out of the box" farangs asking advice about weddings, dowries, house building, etc., etc. I've experienced problems myself and I've seen many other farangs take the long winding road to unhappiness and bankruptcy. The question is; when a farang arrives in town, fresh from Pattaya or Bangkok, with what appears to be young lady from a bar (given the mumblers and the haulter top) should he be warned of the potential pitfalls associated with country living and her probable family requirements?

I remember a farang a few years ago (who is now a good friend) asking "how much does it cost to get married in Thailand?" I replied that it costs a total of Bht 70.00 (Bht 50.00 for the marriage plus Bht 20.00 to renew her ID). "So why is my potential future wife telling me I need to pay Bht 100,000.00 plus 6 baht of gold?" His wife is now a good friend of the FG but she still treats me with a little mistrust. 

There is a fine line between good advice and interfering.....walk the line carefully.

[britmaveric]

Why not tell them? Then they can make the appropriate decision with all information available. I think costs can be limited especially if you inform your gf up front how things are going to be money wise and if she doesnt like it then she can move on.

Edited January 10, 2005 by britmaveric

[jayenram]

Why not tell them? Then they can make the appropriate decision with all information available. I think costs can be limited especially if you inform your gf up front how things are going to be money wise and if she doesnt like it then she can move on.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

But they're in love!

[jayenram]

Another example:

A guy in the local once asked how much was a reasonable amout to send his girlfriend every month from England. Various answers were given and then he stated that he sends her Bht 8,000.00 per week. "HOW MUCH?" was the unanimous shout from the regulars. "Well, she likes to enjoy herself", was his response.

My response was that I also like to enjoy myself; "why don't you send me Bht 8,000.00 per week?"

[ProfessorFart]

I think its almost a duty to pass on your knowledge of potential pitfalls to the next generation! After all thats what the BGs do!

[britmaveric]

I think its almost a duty to pass on your knowledge of potential pitfalls to the next generation! After all thats what the BGs do!

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Well dont recall Bg(s) being mentioned, however guess same applies!

[Harmonica]

>>>>>>> There is a fine line between good advice and interfering.....walk the line carefully. <<<<<<<<

Right on, qburns! ..... and I might add, frequently (or always?) the messenger gets shot and both then disconnect from him. Bad, bad, bad for the messenger.

Happened to me -- this fellow from England flat out asked me if I would be honest with him and give him a straight answer -- my rear end puckered up, my blood pressure rose, but I answered him - that yes, his TG was stringing him and 4 other Brits along.

End result: I got the worst of it (bad-mouthed all over the place) and was accused of being a heartless bastard for messing with someone's livelihood.

I am not going to do this ever again!!! Once is enough!

[shandiman]

Tell them nothing, if they are stupid enough to fall into the trap then they deserve all they get. Who are the educated ones the Thai girlie or the westerner who should know better.

As for the guy who brought up the infamous "BG" some guys only mix with "BG's" so can only relate to that lifestyle.

[britmaveric]

>>>>>>> There is a fine line between good advice and interfering.....walk the line carefully. <<<<<<<<

Right on, qburns!  ..... and I might add, frequently (or always?) the messenger gets shot and both then disconnect from him.  Bad, bad, bad for the messenger.

Happened to me -- this fellow from England flat out asked me if I would be honest with him and give him a straight answer -- my rear end puckered up, my blood pressure rose, but  I answered him -  that yes, his TG was stringing him and 4 other Brits along.

End result: I got the worst of it (bad-mouthed all over the place) and was accused of being a heartless bastard for messing with someone's livelihood.

I am not going to do this ever again!!!  Once is enough!

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Well you are absolutely right there- won't get involved with who's sleeping with whom, not my business and you are quite correct the messenger will bare the brunt of it regardless if its true or not. I was more concerned with gf and/or families spending activities at the expense of the lad who happens to be asking for information.

[thomasjojo]

some people cant take advices, or info. They HAVE to learn the hard way. Thats their pity. Not our.

But if a friend ask, I answer honest. If they dont handle it, theyre not my friends...

[jayenram]

I try not to offer advice on any subject unless I'm asked. If I believe I have sufficient experience/knowledge to give advice when asked, I do so. If I'm not asked, I generally keep my nose out.

[Nam Kao]

Dont get married to any TG, play the field, stay happy

[stroll]

I also had bad experiences after being honest to visiting friends. You tend to risk the friendship and be resented by the woman concerned and her friends. Sometimes it is better to keep one's mouth shut.

[chuchok]

I try not to offer advice on any subject unless I'm asked. If I believe I have sufficient experience/knowledge to give advice when asked, I do so. If I'm not asked, I generally keep my nose out.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Same here,but if it was a close mate or I was asked directly, then they would get the unadulterated truth. If they didn't like it, then tough titties.

[Spee]

The question is; when a farang arrives in town ....... should he be warned of the potential pitfalls ................

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Perhaps once, and then only once, and only if it is someone you know and care for.

Let's also not forget that sometimes these kinds of things go both ways. IOW, there are also cases where Thai ladies really fall for a guy and the guy may be promising them the world, but in reality he only wants to b*ng her for a bit and then blow. These girls have feelings and can get hurt too.

[Boon Mee]

Most of the time folks have to find out for themselves. I know I made many mistakes as a newbie in LOS. Perhaps not as many as I might have due to good advice from the more experienced farangs.

[Longsands]

A friend of my best mate in the UK has just retired and is coming out here to shack up with a girl he met in Pattaya last year on his first trip to Thailand. He's asked if I can meet him and his girl and then give my opinion on her and if she is the real deal or not.

That's a tough ask - how am I supposed to form an opinion in such as short time and also it's none of my business. I'm probably going to give him some anecdotal stuff and then refer him to stickman's readers' letters. It'll then be up to him.

[chico]

I try not to offer advice on any subject unless I'm asked. If I believe I have sufficient experience/knowledge to give advice when asked, I do so. If I'm not asked, I generally keep my nose out.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

that's certainly the wisest thing to do, and it keeps you probably two "friends", him and her.

For obvious reasons, many thai ladies who bring their (new) friend to the village, do not want them to get too close to foreigners who live there for long time and could "educate" them, since she fears not being able afterwards to skim their friend good enough.

she forgets, that a farang, new to his environment, loves to get to know friends, just to talk to them, also to give him advice, and if the lady blocks him from them, most likely he will not like to stay there, neither stay with her - therefore she loose.

On the other hand, if he can make friends, life in the middle of nowhere could be pleasant, and he would probably consider living there, building a house with (for) her, and so on - she wins.

I make it as you do, answers only if asked, and being careful, not to intervene.

It's up to him, to find out, if anything is wrong - telling him, would not help, he would not believe it anyway.

[_Echinochloa_]

Anyone asks any questions I just refer them to this site.

[Ijustwannateach]

My usual technique is to ask leading questions and let them figure it out themselves- or not... up to them. Can lead a horse to water but not make it drink.

"Oh... so how do you think she survived the 3 years she lived in Bangkok before she met you, without working?"

"WHY does she suddenly need 50,000 Baht? Is her family's neighbors' buffalo *that* important to you?"

"Steven"

[Insight]

Agree with the general flow here...

If it's a friend, or even an acquaintance asking for sincere advice, I'll be straight up and honest. If they don't ask, I'll keep my mouth shut.

If you fire off your opinions without cue, you'll only get accused of interfering, and it's pretty unlikely they'll listen to you.

Of course, the flip side of this is when a relationship goes tits up and your friend asks you "Why didn't you warn me?", with the seemingly kop-out reason of "Well you didn't ask!"

But then, common sense defines that you should seek advice from those who have been around the longest. If something seemed a bit irregular or suspicious and you didn't go seeking advice from those you can trust, well....

[chico]

Agree with the general flow here...

If it's a friend, or even an acquaintance asking for sincere advice, I'll be straight up and honest. If they don't ask, I'll keep my mouth shut.

If you fire off your opinions without cue, you'll only get accused of interfering, and it's pretty unlikely they'll listen to you.

Of course, the flip side of this is when a relationship goes tits up and your friend asks you "Why didn't you warn me?", with the seemingly kop-out reason of "Well you didn't ask!"

But then, common sense defines that you should seek advice from those who have been around the longest. If something seemed a bit irregular or suspicious and you didn't go seeking advice from those you can trust, well....

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

depends on how you define "friend" - thai style i would shut up my mouth, serious friend i would try to bring him to see it himself, without directly telling. if he is a friend, he would understand and start thinking. i guess this is as much as you can - and should - reasonably do.

[Ijustwannateach]

The ones who need the advice the most- even who ASK for the advice the most- seem to ignore it, as well.

I'm leery about "interventions" because if they don't work (the most frequent result) the Thai partner will be your enemy forever- usually because you were right.

I think as long as someone is *really* happy, then I'm not in a hurry to debunk their partners. I know guys who come over here all the time on vacation; some of them are perfectly aware of what really happens here; some of them want to maintain the illusion that their part-time partners are real... some of the part-time partners are pretty good and decent people on the whole, so I say as long as both are happy I don't give a d***. Now, if bad financial stuff starts to rear its ugly head, then I try to throw up a warning flag for my friends. But it's really up to them.

"Steven"

[DJ Pat]

I have tried telling many guys BUT:

They are in love big time

They don't want to believe anything negative

They just want to buy some happiness

[nev]

I have tried telling many guys BUT:

They are in love big time

They don't want to believe anything negative

They just want to buy some happiness

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

good advice there dj pat if they can afford to buy some happiness leave them be,thiink they are old enough to take care of themselves.

[lampard10]

I've lived here in Thailand for over 5 years yet I do not purport to be an expert on Thai customs, styles or women (any nationality). However, we occasionally get "fresh out of the box" farangs asking advice about weddings, dowries, house building, etc., etc. I've experienced problems myself and I've seen many other farangs take the long winding road to unhappiness and bankruptcy. The question is; when a farang arrives in town, fresh from Pattaya or Bangkok, with what appears to be young lady from a bar (given the mumblers and the haulter top) should he be warned of the potential pitfalls associated with country living and her probable family requirements?

I remember a farang a few years ago (who is now a good friend) asking "how much does it cost to get married in Thailand?" I replied that it costs a total of Bht 70.00 (Bht 50.00 for the marriage plus Bht 20.00 to renew her ID). "So why is my potential future wife telling me I need to pay Bht 100,000.00 plus 6 baht of gold?" His wife is now a good friend of the FG but she still treats me with a little mistrust. 

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

when I meet my wife now of seven years,I was a nothing that scrapped for a living,living at home with mom when in uk and just coming to thailand to spend the pittance I earned and when I was broke I stumbled back.In fact a few years before that I was a down and out living in Hamburg on hand outs. My wife changed all that. I now have three houses,three cars and a nice business in Surin. Before that we had a thai supermarket in uk which i sold last year for a handsome profit.....................................just think if I had listened to someone that knows little and talks a lot telling me that thai girls are only after one thing. ok so there are not many with the same story as me but all those who know my wife realise it's the truth.

[gburns57au]

People learn from mistakes, but they learn more from their own mistakes rather than yours.

[ZOVOX]

I've lived here in Thailand for over 5 years yet I do not purport to be an expert on Thai customs, styles or women (any nationality). However, we occasionally get "fresh out of the box" farangs asking advice about weddings, dowries, house building, etc., etc. I've experienced problems myself and I've seen many other farangs take the long winding road to unhappiness and bankruptcy. The question is; when a farang arrives in town, fresh from Pattaya or Bangkok, with what appears to be young lady from a bar (given the mumblers and the haulter top) should he be warned of the potential pitfalls associated with country living and her probable family requirements?

I remember a farang a few years ago (who is now a good friend) asking "how much does it cost to get married in Thailand?" I replied that it costs a total of Bht 70.00 (Bht 50.00 for the marriage plus Bht 20.00 to renew her ID). "So why is my potential future wife telling me I need to pay Bht 100,000.00 plus 6 baht of gold?" His wife is now a good friend of the FG but she still treats me with a little mistrust.  

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

when I meet my wife now of seven years,I was a nothing that scrapped for a living,living at home with mom when in uk and just coming to thailand to spend the pittance I earned and when I was broke I stumbled back.In fact a few years before that I was a down and out living in Hamburg on hand outs. My wife changed all that. I now have three houses,three cars and a nice business in Surin. Before that we had a thai supermarket in uk which i sold last year for a handsome profit.....................................just think if I had listened to someone that knows little and talks a lot telling me that thai girls are only after one thing. ok so there are not many with the same story as me but all those who know my wife realise it's the truth.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Mate, there's many good thai women out there - married to one myself. It's just that on this forum, you tend to only hear about the bad ones.

[mbkudu]

People learn from mistakes, but they learn more from their own mistakes rather than yours.

A quote for the ages.