Zyxel

A man was constipated, so he decided to go to the doctor. The doctor examined him and explained, "I'm going to give you some suppositories. I'll insert one now, and then I'll give you another one for later this evening." Later that evening, the man asks has his wife to insert the suppository. She agrees reluctantly, then puts one hand on his shoulder and inserts the suppository. Suddenly, her husband shrieks, "Aahhhhh!" "What's wrong? Did I hurt you?" she asks. "No... I just realized that the doctor had *both* his hands on my shoulders!"

The following is a courtroom exchange between a defense attorney and a farmer with a bodily injury claim. It came from a Houston, Texas insurance agent. Attorney: "At the scene of the accident, did you tell the constable you had never felt better in your life?" Farmer: "That's right." Attorney: "Well, then, how is it that you are now claiming you were seriously injured when my client's auto hit your wagon?" Farmer: "When the constable arrived, he went over to my horse, who had a broken leg, and shot him. Then he went over to Rover, my dog, who was all banged up, and shot him. When he asked me how I felt, I just thought under the circumstances, it was a wise choice of words to say I've never felt better in my life.

A rich woman tourist goes to Paris to visit the art galleries. She decides to hire the services of a guide to show her around the Louvre. "Oh!" said the woman looking at a painting, "That's a Monet, isn't it?" "No Madame, almost, it's a Manet." replied the guide. "And that one, it's a Pissaro?" "Er... no, I'm sorry, Madame, that's a Monet." "Oh, I see. Now that one I’m sure of - that's a Picasso, isn't it?" ".... no Madame, that's a mirror."

After his sermon, a rabbi approached his congregation, “Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a terrible lie and one which a Jewish community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to own up and apologize.”No one moved. The Rabbi continued, “Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven, and in your heart the guilt will be lightened. Now stand up and admit your lies.”Again, all was quiet. Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous lady with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the back of the synagogue. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, “Rabbi, there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.”

An old, blind Marine wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?' The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things: The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. The bouncer is a blonde girl. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Now, think about it seriously, do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?' The blind Marine thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.

After a couple of years a couple wanted to have children, but nothing worked. So they went to a doctor, and got checked over. The doctor took time to reassure them. "Don't worry," he said, "Just take this sample bottle home and do the necessary, and bring it back tomorrow." So he went home feeling better, and went back the next day with his little bottle. It was empty. The doctor looked at the bottle carefully, " Problems?" he said. "Have I ever had problems, doc.!" the man replied. " I went home and straight upstairs, and worked at it for over half an hour. Both hands my hands got too sore to hold it! I had to get the wife upstairs and she had a go. But even she, with all her experience, couldn't do it. " "So what did you do?" said the doctor. " We had a discussion, and got the mother-in-law involved. I was sure she'd manage it, but it was no go, even when she used her mouth. And doc, she tried with her teeth in, and her teeth out!!" "But nothing we tried would get the top off that bloody bottle!!!!!"