Gsxrnz

Here's an exert from a certain sticky website that parodies both the monopoly game as well as the life and times of some Farangs in Thailand. It's actually rather amusing.

"I have got a choice of gaming pieces which are named as Monger, Country Girl, High Maintenance Girl, Party Girl and Good Girl. Being a creature of habit I will choose the Monger piece with the other gaming pieces going to my gaming opponents. Starting off with 100,000 Baht each, we all throw dice to see who goes first and as it happens I end up going last (not a good omen).

Now it is eventually my turn, I throw the dice and score a five! Tapping out the spaces, I land on Walking Street, Pattaya to see that Country Girl is already here. A short time room on this space means I have to pay 500 baht and with the barfine it adds up to 1100 Baht! With Country Girl wanting 1500 Baht, I think I will throw the dice again.

Landing on the “Kitten Nightclub”, Pattaya beach, Pattaya I find there’s a hotel on this site meaning I have to pay another 800 Baht. With the cost of a large barfine and a kayote with unmistakeable manly features, pestering me for a lady drink, I am out of there pronto! Fingers crossed for better luck on the next roll of the dice. Oh rats! I throw the dice and land on “Go straight to jail” and “do not collect 20,000 baht if you pass go”. Don’t fancy being stuck here for the rest of the game so I buy a “get out of jail free” card from the boys in brown for 10,000 Baht and chance my luck again. Landing on Community Chest I choose a card which says “the buffalo has died, please pay 4,000 Baht”

Let's throw again! I score a nine this time and land on Jomtien beach. At this point in the game, I begin thinking about future game strategy, mainly brought on by the continuing expenses I am suffering. I decide that it could be a good idea to invest in a house purchase to provide some revenue for later on. Unfortunately, the game rules dictate that as the “Monger gaming piece” is “of a special status” I will have to put the title of any property I purchase in the name of one of the other players. Luckily, I bump into Good Girl who is also in Jomtien, and with the confidence she installs in me coupled with her wonderful winning smile, that would melt anyone’s heart, I hand over a 50,000 Baht deposit to her so she can make the purchase for me.

I roll the dice to land on “Chance” and pick up a card which says “Congratulations, you have won 1,500 Baht in the hamsum man competition”. After paying 3,000 Baht in lady drinks to celebrate I throw again. This time I land on Bangkok Hospital, New Petchaburi Road, Bangkok and have to hand over 5,000 Baht for life saving operation for “sick mother”.

Disillusioned but not wanting to give up, I roll the dice again and land on Soi Cowboy, Bangkok but soon get thrown out of this space by some heavy handed door staff. Next space is the “Bed Supper Club” Sukhumvit Road, Bangkok. I see High Maintenance Girl has made herself comfortable here. A large entrance fee and a 4,000 Baht bar bill later, I throw the dice to go past “Go”.

Unfortunately, the 20,000 Baht I am meant to collect by passing “Go” has been invested, on my behalf, in a jet ski business in Phuket and because of numerous tourist complaints there will be a delay in payment. With funds now at an all time low I am pleased to land back on Jomtien beach. Party Girl is there waiting for me and I ask her “Where is Good Girl and most importantly where is my house?” Party Girl says “All gone” and “the Loan Company has been looking for you”.. “Loan Company, what Loan Company?”

With the little investment prospects left in this part of town I throw the dice again and land on the Waterworks, Pattaya. “Hey Good Girl, I want a word with you” as I see she is there and has now started franticly to shake the dice. “It was not my fault” she cried, “my boyfriend take all the money to play cards” “Sob” “Sob” “Sob” “and now bad people come and want more money” “Sob” “Sob” “Sob”. “But I thought you were a Good Girl” I said to her as she started to shake the dice. “Up to you what you think” she said with tears running down her face, “I must take my turn now” and as soon as the dice fell on the board, she was gone. If it hadn’t been for the fact that I was the one out of pocket, I might of actually felt sorry for her.

With a little luck on my side, I throw a double six to get a free go but then land on Community Chest again! I pick up the card and it reads “You have contracted an STD, please pay 3,000 Baht in medical bills”

I am starting to get fed up now as I throw my last dice of the game. A score of eleven takes me all the way to Suvarnabhumi Airport, Bangkok. After paying airport taxes, customs expenses and over stay fines, this space is as good as any to leave the game and finally concede, throwing my hands in the air with total frustration.

Assessing my losses, I find that I have no houses built, no hotels up and running and virtually zero funds left. Checking with my gaming opponents, Country Girl had little money left but did have a free pair of silicon implants and a new mobile phone, High Maintenance Girl had more money than with what she started, a condo in Bangkok and a nearly new imported BMW she left on the “Free Parking Space”.

Party Girl, looking bleary eyed as if she has just got out of bed, had about half the money she started with, a couple of “Farang sponsor” telephone numbers but was still waiting on some hospital bills for some on-going alcohol related problems. Whereas Good Girl was nowhere to be seen as she had left earlier on in the game with the excuse of a stomach ache.

Packing up the game there were some pieces missing and some damaged. One was a house piece that couldn’t be found anywhere (probably the one from Jomtien beach!), there were several trashed hotels and all of the 100,000 Baht notes that Good Girl had started off with had dissapeared! She never did return any of my calls!

Who would be the first ones to whinge if they had their credit cards stolen and the thief was able to buy megabucks worth of gold at the gold shop without showing satisfactory supporting ID to verify they were the valid owner of the credit card?

Once spent several days teaching a girl to say "Fred fried fried rice on Friday". She always pronounced the R's as L's, as would be expected.

On the third day she bounces in the door and says in perfect English "Fred fried fried rice on Friday".

I was astounded and said "hey, that's great - what did Fred fry on Friday?"

She answered "Flied lice".

I actually have the franchise for viewing this event. You can purchase tickets from me online at www.pattayajetskiscam.com

If the restaurant has a service charge added, I never leave a tip.

Otherwise depends on the level and quality of the service. If the staff don't cock it up or are especially attentive then 40-50 Baht if I spend say 1k.

If they give crap service, I take all the change and take delight in watching their face as I scoop up the coins.

Once I even picked up all the change as it was all in notes and extracted a 1B coin from my pocket. If I'd left nothing they would have thought Cheap Charlie. But the service was so crap that I wanted to make a point with the 1B. The missus left no room for confusion when she picked up the 1B and said in Thai that that I was over tipping for staff with such bad manners.

There's no way I'm going to erect you Costas, that's up to your missus.

Don't they usually publish these "taxi driver returns wallet" stories every 3rd Monday?

Many in the UK would like to return to a time when petty theft was dealt with by a "clip around the ear".

So true!!

I got a clip across the top of the head and a kick up the jacksie by a 9 foot tall police sergeant at the age of 13. I'd shoplifted a coke.....and it wasn't the first time, but it sure was the last.

Copper dragged me from his car by the scruff of the neck and my feet didn't touch the ground as we progressed to my front door. He pounds the door with his ham size fists and awakens my parents. He explained the situation (I'm still hanging in mid-air), drops me, cuffs me across the head (I saw stars) and as I try to run in the door, his size 13's delivered a crippling blow to my arse.

Fair to say that it was a defining moment in life. The formerly bullet-proof "delinquent in the making" turned to a quivering heap of blubber.

Ironically, I became his personal banker about 15 years later. He was retired by then, and he didn't remember me of course (or so I thought), but being a small town, he apparently did. He commented once to my boss at a bank social function that a kick up the jacksie would sort me out if I ever gave him any problems. He said this with a wink in my direction. I owe that copper a lot.

He passed away four years ago at the age of 89 and he was so well respected they had to hire a huge hall for his funeral. I suspect like me, half the male attendees had received a thick ear from him.

The correct answer to the OP's question is an infinite number.

This is obviously your first time being exposed to masochism on this scale. You will learn much Grasshopper, but be wary.

Don't go anywhere near an MK or anything similar. Basically stay away from any food establishment with a menu.

Give your missus a fixed amount of cash (the amount is up to you), and tell her that's all there is to feed/entertain/cloth/buy gifts/show superiority with for the duration, and there ain't no more where that came from. She will (if she's got half a brain) budget appropriately and decide that dogfood cooked at home at 30B/head is a better option than a restaurant at 250B+ per head.

Be aware of the truck that will have an empty tank when they finally decide to leave and you will be asked to cough up the baht to fill it.

Remember that a "week" in Thai speak means as long as they are having a good time. Limit their enjoyment accordingly.

Make yourself absent when it's time to pay the bins.

Maintain a stupid grin on your face at all times.

Empty all your cupboards of anything remotely resembling alcohol.

Hide all your shoes and use theirs - always choose the best pair of flip-flops.

On at least one occasion, nick their truck and drive around for 2 hours to consume fuel, and then arrive home without saying anything. This is perfectly normal. Keep YOUR truck/car keys on your person at all times.

Beware when going out the door because you will break your neck on the huge number of footwear laying around.

Take every conceivable opportunity to pilfer cigarettes and whisky from the visiting tribe.

If you don't know the Thai for "what the F are you doing", or "don't do that", or "leave that alone", then learn it.

Best of luck Grasshopper - give us an update when you've survived the ordeals.

EDIT: I almost forgot the most important thing. Make sure your wife tells them the couch and the remote control are YOURS and when you enter the room, whomever is on the couch and is holding the remote will give you a big wai, depart the couch, and offer the remote to you IMMEDIATELY. The first time somebody fails to do so, throw yourself on the couch, grab the remote and change to an English channel while saying the F word repeatedly. This is similar to a soi dog marking his territory and will be instantly understood.

Looking at the pictures, calling them ladyboys is being a bit on the generous side.