Beachcomber

90.427% of bald people still own a comb. They just can’t part with it.

My mom just found out I replaced her bed with a trampoline She hit the roof

What happened when a Jelly Donut crossed the road? It caused a traffic jam

I hired a handyman and gave him a to-do list. When I got home only items 1, 3, and 5 got done. Turns out he only does odd jobs.

A native puts his ear to the ground and says Bison come. a cowboy says thats amazing how do you know that. native replies ear sticky Think about it!

I put my phone under my pillow last night.... When I woke up it was gone and there was a £2 coin in it's place. It was the Bluetooth Fairy!

Is my partner dissatisfied with my body? A tiny part of me says yes!

The bartender says, “Wow, I’ve never served a weasel before. What can I get you?” “Pop,” goes the weasel.

As soon as the hospital made me put on one of those little gowns . . I knew the end was in sight

A musician I know writes songs about sewing machines. He is a singer songwriter.

The insurance companies are warning campers that if your tent is stolen in the night, You won't be covered

My friend said that he would bet me £500 that i couldn't steal a boat... I decided to take a punt.

The Indian restaurant my best friend works in are so secretive that he had to sign a legal agreement that he wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe. it was their naan disclosure agreement.

An Irish painter by the name of Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. Over a short number of years, his fame grew, and soon people from all over Ireland were coming to Milltown in County Clare to get him to paint their likenesses. One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a stretch limo, and asked if he would paint her in the nude. This being the first time anyone had made such a request, he was a bit perturbed, particularly when the woman told him that money was no object; moreover, she was willing to pay up to 10,000 pounds. Not wanting to get into any marital strife, he asked her to wait while he went into the house to confer with Mary, his wife. They talked much about the Rightness and Wrongness of it. It was hard to make the decision but finally his wife agreed, on one condition. In a few minutes he returned. "The wife says it's okay. T'would be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus," he said. “I’ll paint you in the nude alright, but I have to leave me socks on, so I have a place to wipe me brushes!

The inventor of autocorrect has died. The funnel will be held tomato.

I accidentally took my cats meds this morning... Don't ask meow!!

I hate the word "xenophobia"!! it sounds so... foreign

“Two Irish lads were working for the local county council. One lad would dig a hole and the other lad would follow him and fill the hole in. They worked up along one street and then down the other. They then moved to the next street and did the same, working flat out all day without stopping. One lad digging the holes. The other lad filling them in. A passerby saw what they were doing and was amazed at the hard work, but couldn’t understand what they were at. So, he shouted over to the lad digging the holes, ‘I don’t get it – why do you dig a hole, only for the other lad to fill it in?’ The lad wiped his brow and sighed deeply, ‘Well, I suppose it probably does looks a bit odd. You see, we’re normally a three-man team. But today the lad who plants the trees phoned in sick.'

I got a box of Viagra teabags last night. They do nothing for your love life but they do stop your biscuit going soft when you dunk it.

The OP does not want to go camping, just for home use in case of power failure, don't see why a normal cooker gas bottle can't be used. That would last for months ????

There was a thread on here earlier listing some camper van/ motor home companies, sure they would know all about availability of fridges and the gas for them. Any company supplying gas fridges would know about the availability of the gas.

Have you considered a caravan/Camping fridge ? These can be run on mains, 12vdc and gas. A gas bottle would give weeks of running the fridge and you wouldn't have to worry a UPS having enough juice to last the blackout. Just a thought. Caravan Fridges

Seems that these days the judges seem to be running the country. Don't seem to matter what party is in power and tries to make laws, the fringe activists and high court judges actually have the last word. How much is all this delay costing the British taxpayer? Money that could be used to help our own homeless, poor and pensioners. Who would appreciate the help. Anyway I though the whole idea of Brexit was that Britain could govern it's self without constant interference from these minority do gooders

They have lorries in America, they just call them trucks, and yes I'm sure they have backs that things fall off --- off ????

Some More Contenders for Worst Joke................... Solving a Murder Case ************************** Q) what's the hardest part about solving a murder case in a trailer park? A) there's no dental records and all the DNA matches -------------------------------------------------- Breath Of Life *************** I have just released my own fragrance. The people sitting near me on the bus don't look like they appreciate it, though. ------------------------------------------------- Real State ************ I Just found out that my uncle has left me a stately home in his will.... However, I have no idea where Sod Hall is. ......... I'm just off to Google it now! ----------------------------------------------- Swallowing coins ******************* My sister, Paula, and her husband, Chris, had just finished tucking their young ones into bed one evening when they heard crying coming from the childrens' room. Rushing in, they found Tommy crying hysterically. He had accidentally swallowed a 5p piece and was sure he was going to die. No amount of talking could change his mind. Trying to calm him, Chris palmed a 5p coin that he happened to have in his pocket and pretended to remove it from Tommy's ear. Tommy, naturally, was delighted. In a flash, he snatched it from his father's hand, swallowed it and demanded cheerfully - 'Do it again, Dad!' -------------------------------------------- Running on empty ********************* I asked my partner if the cup was half full or half empty. She told me: For the last time, to stop wearing her bras. -------------------------------------------- Roll with it ************ Your veterinarian won't tell you this but if your dog is running a fever, go to the store and buy some mustard. It's the best thing for a hot dog. --------------------------------------------- Smart Dog ************ An American psychologist is selling a book that teaches you how to test your dog's IQ. Here’s how it works: If you spend $22.99 for the book, your dog is smarter than you. ----------------------------------------------- Howler ******** I told the nurse that I was bitten by a wolf. “Where?” she asked..... “No, I said a normal wolf!” -------------------------------------------- Stolen good ************* Americas most prolific handler of stolen goods died today. He fell off the back of a lorry. ----------------------------------------- Changing times ****************** My mate asked me... “Are you sometimes surprised at how little people change?" I said, "Actually the process is the same. They just have tiny clothes.” -------------------------------------- Going Bananas ***************** I can’t believe someone broke into my house and stole all of my fruit. I am peachless. ------------------------------------- New dating App. ****************** Q)Have you heard about the new dating app for arsonists?? A)Every week you get new 'matches' ------------------------------------ Good old Jonny ***************** Little Jonny was a school sitting at the back of the class as normal when the teacher notice him pulling at his crutch Teacher: Jonny what are you doing that for Jonny: Well miss Yesterday if got circumsised and its really itchy today Teacher: Oh dear go to the office and call you mother to pick you up Jonny left the room and came back 10mins later and sat back at his chair, but this time he had his doodle out on display Teacher: Oh my jonny what are you doing, I told you to call your mother and go home, now your here exposing yourself to everyone. Jonny: Well miss mum said if I could just stick it out until lunch time she will come and get me!!! --------------------------------------- Pat **** I’ve been prescribed anti-gloating cream. I can’t wait to rub it in. ----------------------------------------- Knowing your place ********************** A telemarketer called and asked to speak to "the person who runs the household" I said "okay" and handed the phone to my 3 year old daughter ------------------------------------------ Poem about digging ********************** I wrote a poem about digging. I dig, you dig, He dig, she dig, They all dig. It might not be a very beautiful poem, but you've got to admit it's really deep ------------------------------------------- Control delete *************** I can’t believe I just got sacked from the keyboard factory. They said I wasn’t putting enough shifts in. ------------------------------------------- Nice Ice Baby... **************** Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater -------------------------------------------