Beachcomber

Why did the skeleton break up with her boyfriend before Valentine's Day? Her heart wasn't in it.

This morning I coughed up a pawn, a knight and a bishop. I must have a chess infection.

"Welcome to the Psychiatric Care Hotline ... "Welcome to the Psychiatric Care Hotline. If you have Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, press 1 repeatedly. If you are Co-Dependent, have someone press 2 for you, now. If you have Multiple-Personality-Disorder, press 3, 4, 5, and 6. If you have Short-Term Memory Loss, press 7. If you have Short-Term Memory Loss, press 7. If you have Short-Term Memory Loss, press 7. If you are Fatalistic-Suicidal, it doesn't matter what button you press. Nothing will happen anyway. If you are Paranoid-Schizophrenic, you may hang up now. We know who you are. And where you live."

2 antennas got married on a rooftop. Not much of a ceremony, but the reception was excellent.

At an art exhibition two women were staring at a painting entitled, "Home for Lunch". The painting was of three very naked, and very black men, sitting on a park bench. What was unusual was that the men on both ends of the bench had black penises, but the man in the middle had a very pink penis. The two women were standing there, staring at the picture, scratching their heads and trying to figure this out. The artist walked by and noticed the women's confusion. "Can I help you with this painting?" he asked. "Well, yes" said the one woman. "We were curious about the picture of the black men on the bench. Why does the man in the middle have a pink penis?" "Oh," said the artist. "I'm afraid you've misunderstood the painting. The three men are not African-Americans, they're coal miners, and the fellow in the middle went "Home for Lunch."

To the original poster, deny everything. Your word against the neighbor, did they actually see anything or just jumping on the bandwagon. Even if there is a video deny its your car, deny, deny. Once you even slightly admit something might have happened you open yourself up to a whole new can of worms.

That's good news ????????

Lazada do many sizes and combinations of rechargeable batteries. I'm sure a search will bring up a right combination for your replacements. Try a search for the name of your Solar light, may have a lead to replacement batteries. If you are feeling adventures try some DIY spot welding on suitable batteries with a kit from Lazada. https://www.lazada.co.th/products/protable-stop-welder-dc-12v-18650-lithium-battery-5mos-spot-welder-circuit-board-diy-kit-with-5-gears-for-cars-i3166477723.html?spm=a2o4m.searchlist.list.120.597745f2EqtFzH https://www.lazada.co.th/products/12v-pcb-diy-18650-12v-spot-i4258200541.html?spm=a2o4m.searchlist.list.98.597745f2EqtFzH ????

Alright so I've learned something. Fighter jets that can reach 60,000ft don't have machine guns only missiles. Still leaves the question how the missile triggered in the proximity of the balloon?

So you think the military should never be questioned? A bit like Russia perhaps! I'm sure they had good reason for using very expensive missile instead of a few rounds of bullets. It would be interesting to hear from someone who actually knows about these things the reasons.

If you can grab the nut from underneath but don't have room to turn the spanner, hold the spanner and turn the tap.

Using a missile to shoot down a balloon seems like a bit of overkill. Surely a short burst of bullets would have done the job and the balloon would have come down slowly without damaging the instruments. As a point of curiosity I thought missiles needed something to guide and detonate them. Hot exhaust or proximity to metal, presumably neither of which the balloon had. ????

So far, Humpty Dumpty is having a terrible winter. Which sucks because he had a great fall. ------------------------------- Took the dog for a walk on Christmas eve, the wife came along too, suddenly it started pouring down, TORRENTial, the wife said 'oh dear, look at poor Daisy (our dog), she's soaking wet now, I replied 'that will be the rain dear' ----------------------------- I accidentally drank holy water with my laxatives. I will start a religious movement anytime now. ---------------------------- If walking is good for your health, the Postman would be immortal. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, only drinks water and is fat. A rabbit only eats vegetables, runs and hops all day long and only lives 5 years. A tortoise doesn't run and does nothing energetic, yet it lives for 450 years. And you tell me to exercise! I don't think so. --------------------------- My friend just texted and asked “what does IDK stand for?” I replied: “I don’t know.” they replied back: “Damnnnn! Nobody knows!” ------------------------------ There was excitement when a group of archaeologists thought that they had unearthed the mass graves of a thousand Snowmen only to discover it was a field full of carrots. -------------------------------- My wife has very bad laryngitis, I told her if she gave it to me I would never speak to her again ----------------------------- My biggest fear is being trapped in a small room with Santa. I have Claustrophobia --------------------------------- My friend was showing me his tool shed, and pointed to a ladder. "That's my stepladder," he said. "I never knew my real ladder ------------------------------------- It's only a 5 minute walk from home to my local pub. It's a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house. The difference is staggering! ------------------------------ What’s the absolute best Christmas present? A broken drum — you can’t beat it! ---------------------------- My wife asked me if i had seen the dog bowl. I replied i didn't know that the dog could. --------------------------- The pope wanted his Bishops to be on their toes so he raised all the urinals in the Vatican --------------------------- I was mugged on the way home, late last night The robber pointed a knife at my throat and growled ' Your money or your life' I am afraid I crumbled in fear, shouting 'I am married, I have no money, I have no life' The robber hugged me and we cried together I was a beautiful moment !! --------------------------- jack john and harry have been on a desert island for a few years when suddenly jack finds a magic lamp on the beach, a genie appears and says I will give you all a wish each seen as you have released me from the lamp, john said I wish I was back home with my wife and kids, zap hes gone, next harry says the same thing and he is gone, next it was jacks turn and the genie said what is your wish jack, jack said its so lonely without those two I wish they were back here ------------------------------ My friend called me for help, claiming he had turned into a harp. I raced over there only to find he was a lyre. ------------------------------- I have a friend who writes songs about sewing machines. She's a singer songwriter, or sew it seams. -------------------------------- Did you hear about the new Origami Children's channel? It was paper view only, but I have heard that it has just folded! ---------------------------- I got in touch with my inner self today. That's the last time I buy one ply toilet paper ------------------------------- What did Adam say to Eve? Stand back Eve i don't know how big this thing is going to get ---------------------------------- That's All Folks !!

This race thing is getting really stupid. If you had a ginger mate married to a Lady of Color, shall we say, and she was expecting a baby you'd all be down the pub making bets on what color the kid would be. Just normal, nothing racist about it.

I lost three fingers on my right hand, so I asked my doctor if I would still be able to write with it. He said: “Maybe, but I wouldn't count on it.”

Congratulations to me! With the British interest rates having increased dramatically, I have just made my final mortgage payment! I still owe £142,236.27p, but I'm just not going to pay them any more.

I once bought a wooden car. Wooden engine, wooden doors, wooden wheels, wooden seats, put the wooden key in the wooden ignition. Wooden start. (Groan)

I spotted an albino Dalmatian, it was the least I could do...

What's a forklift? Food, usually...

I hate it when my girlfriend gets angry at me for being lazy, its not like I've done anything.

Just found out my grandfather is addicted to Viagra, nobody is taking it harder than grandma...

I sent my hearing aids in for repair three weeks ago, and I haven't heard anything since...

So what if I can't spell Armageddon? It's hardly the end of the world!

Two blokes at a pub were discussing event of the world over a couple of schooners when the talk turned to politicians and government. 1 bloke made the observation that most politicians appeared to be 'post turtles'. The 2nd bloke scratched his head and asked what he meant. 1st bloke replied: Sometimes when you're driving down a country road you see a turtle balanced on top of a fence post. That's a 'post turtle'. The 2nd bloke still looked puzzled and asked how that applied to politicians. The first bloke explained: You know he didn't get into that position by himself, he has been elevated above his ability to function, he doesn't belong up there and he doesn't know what to do while he's up there. The 1st bloke finished with: You just can't help but wonder what kind of dumb <deleted> put him there in the first place! (Too True)

I told me wife: There's only one thing that scares me during Halloween... My wife: "Which is?" Me: “Exactly”