Beachcomber

At the end of the financial year, the Inland Revenue sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital. While the inspector was checking the books he turned to the Chief Financial Officer of the hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages.. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?" "Good question," noted the CFO, [ inwardly thinking ' what sort of a question is that'] "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages." "Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way. "What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?" "Ah, yes," replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster." "I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO. "Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?" "Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the Inland Revenue's main office, and about once a year they send us a complete <deleted>."

A man walks into a bar and asks, “Does anyone here own that rottweiler outside?” “Yeah, I do!” a biker says, standing up. “What about it?” “Well, I think my chihuahua just killed him…” “What are you talkin’ about?!” the biker says, disbelievingly. “How could your little runt kill my rottweiler?” “Well, it seems he got stuck in your dog’s throat!”

Hey Doc, its been 4 weeks since you prescribed that medicine and i still feel lousy. Did you follow the instructions on he bottle? Yes it says KEEP TIGHTLY CLOSED.

I asked my wife if I'm the only one she has ever been with. she said: "yes.. all the others were nines and tens"

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counselling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured. Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, Malcolm the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched--with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?" 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I go bowling."

A farmer had five female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them: At the fair, he met another Farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50. The farmers lived sixty miles apart. So they agreed to drive thirty miles each, find a field in which to let the pigs mate. The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 A.M., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, (which was the only vehicle he had) and drove the thirty miles. While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, “How will I know if they are pregnant?” The other farmer replied. “If they’re lying in the grass tomorrow morning, they’re pregnant. If they’re in the mud, they’re not.” The second morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again. This continued each morning for more than a week. Both farmers were worn out. The third morning he was too tired to get out of bed. He called to his wife, “Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass.” “Neither.” Yelled his wife. “They’re in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn.”

1) F***ing once a week is good for your health, but it is harmful if done everyday 2) F***ing relaxes your mind & body 3) F***ing refreshes you 4) After F***ing don’t eat too much go for more liquids 5)Try F***ing in bed cause it can save your valuable energy 6) F***ing can reduce your cholesterol level So remember “FASTING” is good for your health. GOD BLESS YOUR DIRTY MIND :

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs. 2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained. 3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach. 4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk. 5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent. 6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown. 7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp. 8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash. 9. Flatulance (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller. 10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline. 11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam. 12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists. 13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist. 14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms. 15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there. 16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

I woke up swathed in bandages, in a hospital ICU; tubes entering different parts of my body, wires monitoring every function, and a gorgeous nurse hovering over me. It was obvious that I'd been in a very serious accident. I heard her say, 'You may not feel anything from the waist down' I managed to mumble, 'Can I feel your tits then?

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the Doctor asked him, 'What happened to YOU?' 'Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle .. We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end' 'I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's bottom. Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours'' 'I really don't remember much after that'

A man driving down a country lane who runs over a cockerel. He goes to the farmhouse and knocks on the door. A woman opens it and he says: "I appear to have killed your cockerel. I'd like to replace him.' She replies: "Please yourself, the hens are round the back."

A lion and gorilla living in the same part of the jungle had an ongoing feud about who was actually the king of the jungle, the lion claimed the title by default but the gorilla always argued that the majority of the neighbourhood was up in the trees where the lion didn't often go.. This all became political over time to the point where both would play random tricks on each other to gain support and admiration of the other animals by discrediting their political opponent (sound familiar?) Anyway, one gorgeous sunny day, all the animals are hanging out and the lion was taking a cool drink from a waterhole. the gorilla, seeing an opportunity sneaks up behind the lion, sticks his willy straight up the lions hoop and gets in three good strokes to the frantic amusement of all the other animals. The furious lion immediately gives chase to the laughing gorilla who was rapidly swinging away through the trees. As his anger gives him more strength the lion begins to gain ground and the gorilla starts to get a bit worried. He reaches a clearing with the lion out of view and spots a naturalist sitting by a tree reading a newspaper. Thinking quickly (for a gorilla) he knocks out the naturalist and takes his hat and newspaper, assuming the same position with the upheld newspaper obscuring his face. The lion comes tearing into the clearing with teeth bared and spots what he thinks is the naturalist. 'Oi! David Attenborough!' he screams, did you see a Gorilla coming through here?" 'You mean the one that was turking you down by the waterhole?' replies the gorilla" The lion slumps down and wails "Oh <deleted> me! its not in the paper already is it?

Picked up a hitch-hiker today, seemed like a nice guy. After a few miles he asked me if I wasn't afraid that he might be an axe murderer. I responded with, 'the chances of two axe murderers being in the same car are pretty remote'

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer. Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the pharmacist, and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the pharmacist told him: "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys." "Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tyre." "When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time the darn phone was ringing." He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of coins against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the coins and the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke." "Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer!" "Sir, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her!”

A local politician his minder and 2 women are sitting on a train. The train went through a tunnel and the carriage lights fail to come on and the carriage becomes completely dark. There was a loud kissing sound and then the sound of a hard slap! When the train came out of the tunnel the passengers all looked at each other. The pollie was sitting there stunned with a big red hand print on his cheek. The first woman looks to the second thinking: he must have tried to kiss her and got slapped. The second woman looked to the first thinking: he must have tried kissing her and got slapped. The pollie is thinking: Damn it, my minder must have tried to kiss one of the woman in the dark and she thought it was me and I got slapped instead. The minder is thinking: If this train goes through another tunnel I can make another loud kissing sound and slap the pollie again!

☹️

????

I find taking a couple of "Dimenhydrinate 50mg" gives me a good nights sleep. Don't know why this should be as it is an antihistamine, but for some reason it just works for me. "Dimenhydrinate is an antihistamine used to prevent and treat nausea, vomiting, and dizziness caused by motion sickness"

A couple of movies worth watching:- The Bang Bang Club 2010 https://www.imdb.com/title/tt1173687/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1 A drama based on the true-life experiences of four combat photographers capturing the final days of apartheid in South Africa Kodachrome 2017 https://www.imdb.com/title/tt1880399/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_0 Set during the final days of the admired photo development system known as Kodachrome, a father and son hit the road in order to reach the Kansas photo lab before it closes its doors for good. ????

Some days ago, I came to know a girl on the Internet. Beautiful... After some chat, I felt that we had connected at a deeper level. Yesterday, she asked me to visit her house and said, "My husband is on a business trip, and I'm alone at home." I was very cautious and asked, "Will your husband suddenly come back? She said, "No, but just in case he does, you just say that you are from UrbanClap and that your company sent you to clean the house. And then, clean the glass or something. Anyway, the Deepavali festival is coming. My husband won't suspect a thing." Fast forward, I was at her house. And what a big coincidence - Not even minutes in the house, her husband came back! I had to be quiet and pretend to do the cleaning, wiping windows, cleaning the kitchen and the floor. And also tidy the bedrooms and wash the bathrooms. All the while, her husband and she was next to me giving all kinds of ridiculous instructions. When I had finished and was about to leave, her husband asked, 'How much?" Even before I could utter a word, she said, "I have already paid the company." On the way home, I kept thinking about the whole saga. The more I thought about it, the more I felt DAMN cheated ?... Cleaners are hard to find, beware of the new scam for Deepavali.

A girl locks her keys in her car in front of the abortion clinic. She goes inside and asks for a coat hanger.

Not all construction work is equally enjoyable. For example, enlarging a drilled hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal together is riveting.

When I was a kid people used to cover me in chocolate and cream and put a cherry on my head. Yeah, life was tough in the gateau.

A Preacher finished the service one morning by saying, "Next Sunday, I am going to preach on the subject of liars. As a preparation for my sermon I would like you all to read Mark Chapter 17." On the following Sunday, the preacher rose to begin. Looking out at the congregation, he said, "Last week I asked you all to read Mark Chapter 17. If you have read the chapter, please raise your hand." Nearly every hand in the congregation went up. Smiling, the preacher said ... "You are the very people I want to talk to today ... Mark has only 16 chapters."

The passenger steamer SS Warrimoo was quietly knifing its way through the waters of the mid-Pacific on its way from Vancouver to Australia. The navigator had just finished working out a star fix and brought the master, Captain John Phillips, the result. The Warrimoo's position was LAT 0º 31' N and LON 179 30' W. The date was 31 December 1899. "Know what this means?" First Mate Payton broke in, "We're only a few miles from the intersection of the Equator and the International Date Line". Captain Phillips was prankish enough to take full advantage of the opportunity for achieving the navigational freak of a lifetime. He called his navigators to the bridge to check & double check the ships position. He changed course slightly to bear directly on his mark. Then he adjusted the engine speed. The calm weather & clear night worked in his favour. At midnight, the SS Warrimoo lay on the Equator at exactly the point where it crossed the International Date Line! The consequences of this bizarre position were many: · The forward part (bow) of the ship was in the Southern Hemisphere & in the middle of summer. · The rear (stern) was in the Northern Hemisphere & in the middle of winter. · The date in the aft part of the ship was 31 December 1899. · In the bow (forward) part it was 1 January 1900. · This ship was therefore not only in: · Two different days, · Two different months, · Two different years, · Two different seasons · But in two different centuries - All at the same time!