Chopper

Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife,

Tracy, that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.

Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him.

Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, 'Babe, now I

only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?'

Tracy agreed and again they made love.

Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realised he now had only

eight hours of life left. He touched Tracy's shoulder and said,

'Babe? Please? Just one more time before I die.' She agreed, then

afterwards she rolled over and fell asleep.

Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed

and turned until he was down to only four more hours.

He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up.

'Babe, I only have four hours left! Could we...?'

His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, 'Listen Barry,

I'm not being funny but I have to get up in the morning and you don't.'

A bloke is sitting in the bar in the departure lounge at a busy airport.

A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. He decides because she's got a uniform on, she's probably an off-duty flight attendant.

He decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.

He leaned across to her and says the Delta Airlines motto 'We love to fly and it shows'. The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line.

Then he leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto 'Winning the hearts of the world'. Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.

Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto 'Going beyond expectations'. The woman looks at him sternly and says 'What the <deleted> do you want?'

'Ah!' he says, sitting back with a smile on his face. 'Ryanair'.

No Wuckers.

Great Pictures.

A hippy gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun.

He sits down next to her, and asks her: "Can we have sex?"

"No," she replies, "I'm married to God."

She stands up, and gets off at the next stop.

The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippy and says:

"I can tell you how to get to have sex with her!"

"Yeah?", says the hippy..

"Yeah!", say the bus driver. "She goes to the cemetery every

Tuesday night at midnight to pray, so all you have to do is dress up in

a robe with a hood, put some of that luminous powder stuff inyour

beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God."

The hippy decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery dressed as

suggested on the next Tuesday night.

"I am God," he declares to the nun, keeping the hood

low about his face. "Have sex with me."

The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself

to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity.

'God' agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her. As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish.

"Ha-ha," he cries. "I'm the hippy!"

"Ha-ha," cries the nun. "I'm the bus driver!

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when

accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.

MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Put down your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Put window up.

7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

3. Set hand brake, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

11. Enter PIN.

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.

17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of chequebook.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty handbag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!

23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

25. Redial person on cell phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

27. Release hand brake

Where is the event? There is a trophy shop in North Pattaya and you get your trophy engraved with whatever you want on it.

Please post details of the charity, date of the ride etc and if I am unable to attend I will be most happy to make a pledge.

No matter what you ride - you are welcome!

Great idea aussiechick. I am all for supporting charity, though some might misconstrue the bold type above.

Heng, given your depiction of the Southshore project it begs the question if Raimon Land has failed to meet their fiduciary responsibility's as the radio stations sponsor.

When Bob was asked if he preferred legs

or breasts he told the stranger he had

a particular fondness for shaven fannies.

He was then informed that this was not

an option with a KFC Bargain Bucket.

Hemi the Maori builder was going through a house he had just built for the woman who owned it.

She was telling him what colour to paint each room. They went into the first room and she said 'I want this room to be painted a light blue.'

Hemi went to the front door and yelled 'GREEN SIDE UP!'

When he went back into the house, she told him that the next room was to be bright red.

Hemi went to the front door and yelled 'GREEN SIDE UP!'

When he went back into the house, she told him that the next room was to be tan..

Hemi went to the front door and yelled 'GREEN SIDE UP!'

When he came back, the lady was pretty curious, so she asked him 'I keep telling you colours, but you go out the front and yell green side up; what is that for?'

Hemi said, 'Oh don't worry about that, I've just got a couple of Aussies laying the turf out the front.

^ Many A Mickle Makes A Muckle.

JJ, I have just sent you a private message.

Before you ask: I am not an agent.

Thanks everyone much appreciated responses.

I have a 6 year old HP Photosmart, fax, copier, printer, scanner that is not working correctly. Some functions work others don't. Does anyone know if there is a service center in Pattaya?

I know most of the other service center's but have not seen one for HP.

I have already tried thumping the machine with a hammer but this still seems not to do the trick...

I am not a fan of all things American,

So what do you ride Spartacus ?

Baht Buses ?

Not GM...

Wouldn't that be a great way to leave your last post on Thaivisa.

It would be the best unanswered post of the year.

Talk about bringing the conspiracy theorists out in droves.

If everything is OK Alex let them all stew for a while unless you have unfortunately been chopped up and made part of someone’s stew!

King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighbouring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer; he would be put to death.

The question? What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with every one, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered ... is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighbouring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day ... or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below. BUT.... make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?

Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now ... what is the moral to this story?

Scroll down

The moral is ...

If you don't let a woman have her own way ...

Things are going to get ugly!

If you fancy a trip to Bangkok he is playing at Impact Arena on Saturday June 20th.

You can book tickets through ThaiTicketMajor.

Maybe she was taking lessons from Bernie Madoff.

I'm also a 21 year old female in Pattaya just like you

Meg watch your profile count rocket now. I must confess to having a peep...

Star Beach ,and Park Beach Wongamat ,Nakula . Two older posh ,unique style Condominiums with huge balcony's .Direct access to the beach plus huge swimming pools .

Having looked at most of the condos in Wongamat I would say that Saranchol rates better than the above two if you are looking at the older style, circa 15 years old. IMHO.