scottiejohn

Men and women can be friends without any sex involved. It's called marriage.

I threw a ball for my dog... It's a bit extravagant I know, ! But it was his birthday and he looks great in his little dinner jacket and bow tie.

I am posting this on behalf of my hospitalized friend as a warning to others! He thought he could avoid the old "fat Butt" dangerous/comic response but failed miserably; The wife asked. “Does this dress make my butt look big?” “On the contrary,” He replied suavely, “it’s your butt that’s making the dress look big.”

I was grilling a steak earlier and the smell of the juices started to make my mouth water! Got me thinking, do vegans get the same reaction when mowing the lawn?

My family has a competition on my grumpy Granny's birthday every year on who can make her cry the most with our gifts! This year I won with Pepper spray!

Every morning after I wake up, the first thing I do is make my bed. I now know I shouldn’t have bought those lumps of wood from IKEA!

A blonde woman visits her husband in prison! Before leaving, she tells a correction officer: "You shouldn't make my husband work like that. He's exhausted!" The Officer laughs, saying: "Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps and stays in his cell!" "BS! He just told me he is been digging a tunnel for months!"

Adam sneaks away from Eve to talk to God privately! Adam: "God, why did you make my penis so small?" God: "Eve has no one to compare you to, it shouldn't matter." Adam: "Ok. And about the apple, I know you told us we couldn't eat that, but did you tell Eve she can't eat cucumbers either?" God: "No, why do you ask?" Adam: "Because she keeps one by the bed, but she never eats it."

How do you know? Have you taken over as either his Doctor or medical spokesperson?

Oh NO! What a thought to see that! UGH!

Or God forbid he is found not guilty but still rants on about the rigged DOJ etc! as he is not actually aware of the result!

An American and an Englishman are about to be executed! The American is put before the executioner and is asked: "My Lord and master is an honourable Gentleman and promises to honour your final wishes! What are your final 3 wishes ?" The American replies: "My first wish is to smoke one last cigarette" They bring him one last cigarette, he smokes it and the executioner asks him: "Your 2nd wish ?" American: "To drink one last shot of whisky before I die" They bring him one shot of whisky, he drinks it and the executioner asks: "And your final wish ?" American: "I wish I was buried near George Washington" So he is executed an buried near Washington. Then comes the Englishman's turn. When asked about his first wish he replies: "I want to skate on that lake over there". Executioner: "But it's not frozen." Englishman: "No problem. We'll wait until it freezes over!" They waited until winter came, the lake froze and the Englishman skated on it. Executioner: "Your 2nd wish ?" Englishman: "To swim in the lake" Executioner: "But now it's frozen" Englishman: "No problem. We'll just wait until it is unfrozen" They waited until summer came, the lake unfroze and the Englishman swam in it. Executioner: "And your final wish ?" Englishman: "To be buried with Queen Elizabeth II when she is broken up" Executioner: "Good she's interned in Windsor Castle." Englishman: "No! Not her late Majesty, but the ex Cunard Liner moored in Dubai!

BREXIT may have happened but English is about to become the official European language The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English". In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away. By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru. Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

Are they actually "Clubs" with paid up membership or just fronts for whorehouses?

I agree! They should not be used or be around!

And if it does happen why would they not "Grandfather" the changes the same as they did last time?

Totally useless. Click on any sport and it takes you to websites selling things like Crypto!

What lion?

A new tool for getting rid of fleas etc? I can just imagine the marketing "A new dual function tool to keep both of man's best friends happy"!

Did he have to re-inflate her as she had recently gone down on him?

Maybe you should try either TESCO or ASDA next time as they are much larger with a better selection! (For non Brits ICELAND, TESCO & ASDA are Supermarkets!)

Wrong and I think you mean the Forth Rail Bridge! Also note there are two Road bridges plus the rail bridge! "Painting the Forth Bridge" is a colloquial expression for a never-ending task, coined on the erroneous belief that at one time in the history of the bridge repainting was required and commenced immediately upon completion of the previous repaint. Such a practice never existed, as weathered areas were given more attention, but there was a permanent maintenance crew. Between 2001 and 2011, the bridge was covered in a new coating designed to last for 25 years, bringing an end to having painters as a regular part of the maintenance crew.

Gee! Thanks for showing me where to find that cheesy spot!

Dear Leader Why the rant? PS, Do I have to put you on ignore or do you do it automatically?

Actually it is either Television or TV!