Mr Jones

A tourist from ******stan goes on his first overseas trip.

Upon arriving at the airport, he is visibly puzzled filling his immigration form.

The official, intending to offer help, looks over his shoulder, and sees the tourist trying to write 'Twice a week' into the small space labeled 'SEX'.

The official explains: "No, no, no. That is not what we mean by this question. We are asking 'Male' or 'Female'".

"Doesn't matter", the tourist answers.

yes I have smoked been fat (13 stone) shagged my way around the world

We have all fallen for the healthy eating con example; eat 5 portions of fruit and vegetables a day. Funny how it’s an odd number, now do I eat 3 veg or 2 and 3 or 2 pieces of fruit and too make it more confusing what vegetables, most have very different properties as with fruit. The next is we are told don’t eat FAT it’s bad for you it will make you fat, well tell that to the Eskimo who live off mostly blubber. The Thai diet is very high in Carbohydrates yet most Thais are slim. Making Dr Atkins look wrong.

Now my pet dislikes, well do not have any live and let live is my mantra. If you cant stop smoking without using a hypnotherapist, then waste your money you have wasted enough on cigarettes what’s a few more $€£ Baht.

Yes its Sunday I am bored can’t do much with a broken ankle except try and ignore it.

Les

Not posted for a while nothing to say. What I have noticed is a lot of people using the word CHEEP (where can I buy X cheep, where can I find a good tradesman cheep) it goes on. Let me make my point, in my experence buy cheep buy twice

les

#2327

Shiver me Timbers

Mashadi Member

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a southerner, a New Englander, and a Californian)an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovakian, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, a Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Kyrgyzstani, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 47 Africans walk into a fine restaurant....

"I'm sorry," said the maître d', after he had scrutinized the group one by one and barred their entrance saying....

"You can't come in here without a Thai."

Dear Ma and Pa:

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late.

Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there’s warm water.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed again.

It’s no wonder these city boys can’t walk much. We go on “route” marches, which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A “route march” is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The Country is nice, but awful flat.

The Sergeant is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt. is like the school board. Majors and Colonels just ride around and frown. They don’t bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don’t know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don’t move. And it ain’t shooting at you, like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don’t even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain’t like fighting with that ole bull at home. I’m about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. He joined up the same time as me. But I’m only 5′6″ and 130 pounds and he’s 6′8″ and weighs near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,

Gail

hi all

i am looking for a lace to stay for 2 months in july and august, any idea or sugestions.

I have spent lots of time in Bangkok now i need a change

les

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans..

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like.

Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Sweating in your natural cooling system, you need to become acclimatised and staying in a A/C room will not help, drinking plenty of water at least 10 pints over the day will stop you becoming dehydrated as well as salt replacement tablets, sprinkle a little salt on your food/fruit.

A tip an old sailor told me, if your sweat tastes salty your ok if not you need salt

A woman was telling her friend : "It is I who made my husband a millionaire. "

"And what was he before you married him?" the friend asked. The woman replied, "A Billionaire. "

Neverdie,

just had a quick look through your recent posts,

Well you miserable old tw0t you should.

Read the first few posts and if you think children riding a bike on the wrong side of the road is a crime then take a look at.

www.cnn.com

www.bbc.com

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... No."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

alot drives me up the wall

A LOT is the correct English

A Cowboy Named Bud

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, 'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?'

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers; 'Sure, Why not?'

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .

Within mere seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data is stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'

'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?'

! The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why not?'

'You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government', says Bud.

'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?'

'No guessing required.', answered the cowboy. 'You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep. . . .Now give me back my dog.

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, "How does that feel?"

He replied, "It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken."

Motorists in Thailand are just pure horror.

you need to try india

when it comes to driving Indians are brain dead

* Beer!

A handful of 7 year old children were asked "What they thought of

beer". Some interesting responses, but the last one is especially

touching.

"I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks

the prettier my mom gets."

--Tim, 7 years old

"Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on

television when he is asleep, so beer is nice."

--Melanie, 7 years old

"My Mom and Dad both like beer. My Mom gets funny when she drinks

it and takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn't think this

is very funny."

--Grady, 7 years old

"'My Mom and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more

they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a

good thing."

--Toby, 7 years old

"My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants

sometimes, so he shouldn't have too much.

--Sarah, 7 years old

"My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One

time he danced right into the pool."

--Lilly, 7 years old

"I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns

the sausages on the barbecue and they taste disgusting."

--Ethan, 7 years old

"I give Dad's beer to the dog and he goes to sleep. "

--Shirley, 7 years old

"My Mom drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my

father. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him

to go bury his bone down the street again, but that doesn't make

any sense."

--Jack, 7 years old

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Husband,

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good.

I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to

show for it. These last two weeks have been hel_l.

Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails

done, cooked your favourite meal and even wore a brand new negligee.

You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching

the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or

anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, what

ever the case is, I'm gone.

P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving

away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Your EX-Wife

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Ex-Wife,

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that

you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far

cry from what you've been.

I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work.

I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You

look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't

say anything nice. When you cooked my favourite meal, you must have gotten

me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.

I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the

pricetag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother

had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was

$49.99.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it

out. So when I discovered that I had hit the Lotto for $10 million dollars, I

quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you

were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the

filling life you always wanted.

My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but my brother Carl was born

Carla. I hope that's not a problem.

Signed Rich As hel_l and Free!

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex.

Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying,

'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'

A man walks past a beggar every day and gives him baht.10 and that Continues for a year. Then suddenly the daily donation changes to b 7.50

"Well," the beggar thinks, "it's still better than nothing."

A year passes in this way until the man's daily donation suddenly becomes baht 5.

"What's going on now?" the beggar asks his donor.

"First you give me baht 10 every day, then baht. 7,50 and now only baht. 5. What's the problem?"

"Well," the man says, "last year my eldest son went to university. It's very expensive, so I had to cut costs. This year my eldest daughter also went to university, so I had to cut my expenses even further."

"And how many children do you have?" the beggar asks.

"Four," the man replies.

"Well," says the beggar, "I hope you don't plan to educate them all at my expense."

Any man who gets married a second time doesn’t deserve to get rid of the first one.

I had to call my bank the number was 0870 it was late at night and no internet connection got the usual if you want so and so press 1 etc

After finally getting where I wanted I told them my account number, I had lost my card and that I had no money left on my phone, so get on with it.

Next day I phoned the Blackpool area code, straight through confirmed all my details in 2 minuets cost IRP 35 about B25

www.saynoto0870.com is a real money saver.

Wonder if any other country has any similar web sites

Les

saynoto0870.com

gives the local rate for uk calls