Mr Jones

Hopefully, somebody with knowledgeable insight into the psyche of women in general and Thai woman in particular will come forth.

Maestro

[/size]

don't hold your breath

Malapropisms dear boy Malapropisms

It reminded my of a bloke I knew, he was sha@@ing a married women, they got caught, she eventually divorced her husband an they got married, not long after she was up to her old tricks and the stupid sod was devastated.

He knew what she was like before they got married (an adulteress) so why did he think he could change her? I asked.

As the old saying a Tiger never changes it spots.

Why the hel_l would you want to kill spiders? In the most part they are harmless; they eat mosquitoes that transmit diseases, flies that puke on your food. Etc

The only spider that to my knowledge will attack when not in danger is the funnel web spider and they are indigenous to Sydney In Oz

Subject:GCSE Results

The following questions and answers were collected from last year's GCSE

exam results inSwindon, Wiltshire. They are genuine responses (from 16 year

olds)!

Geography

Q: Name the four seasons.

A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to

drink.

A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large

pollutant like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?

A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?

A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water

tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and

Nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Sociology

Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?

A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?

A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q: What are steroids?

A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Biology

Q: What happens to your body as you age?

A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?

A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.

A: Premature death.

Q: What is artificial insemination?

A: When the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?

A: Keep it in the cow. [He got an A]

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised? (e.g.

abdomen)

A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax

the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the

heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I,

O and U.

Q: What is the Fibula?

A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?

A: Nearby.

Q: What is the most common form of birth control?

A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."

A: The caesarean section is a district inRome.

Q: What is a seizure?

A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?

A: When you are sick at the airport

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?

A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like

umbrellas.

English

Q: Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its

meaning.

A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?

A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Technology

Q: What is a turbine?

A: Something an Arab or Sheik wears on his head

go see a hypnotherapist, a trained one he/she should have an office not working from a back room at his home.

One day an atheist was hiking through Yellowstone Park. It was a cloudy day but the birds were out singing. Suddenly there was a crashing sound behind him and a grizzly bear came crashing thorugh the brush. The atheist ran and the bear gave chase. The atheist tripped and fell. Just as the bear was about to maul him the atheist cried out to God for help. The bear froze, the birds stopped singing and the clounds parted and a light shone downd from the sky.

Ok says God, "you deny my existence but now you want to be a Christian? "THat would make you a hypocrit." "You're right" said the atheist "how about you make the bear a Christian?" " Deal" says God.

The birds start singing, the clouds roll together. The bear unfreezes lowers its paw falls on its hind legs bows its head and puts its paws together and says....

Dear Lord bless this food that you have provided from you gracious bounty Amen.

You should be telling her the truth.

That you are more interested in yourself, that even at 48 I’m too immature to make decisions without advice from strangers.

TROLL.

OHH no that was bad

Man Laws

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:

(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.

( The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.

© After wrecking your boss's or dad's car.

(d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".

(e) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional.

At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:

a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!

C'mon, give me one more! Harder!

c) Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing:

i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26: Thou shall not buy a car in the colors of pink, lime green, or purple.

27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.

28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.

Maxwell Smart

is the main character in the story. 86 is his CONTROL name. Through his career at CONTROL he has gained widespread respect by everyone in CONTROL and KAOS. Everyone keeps this respect, until they meet him. Maxwell Smart is probably the clumsiest spy you will ever encounter. He has been known to run into walls, lock people into rooms,destroy his apartment, and destroy one of the walls separating a conference room from the Chief's office at CONTROL headquarters. And for this reason and many more, one can say that the Chief has probably been irritated the most by Max's behavior. It's very ironic because as the show progresses, all his enemies refer to him as "The Great Maxwell Smart" or something along those lines.

Very little is known beyond Maxwell Smart's behavior on TV. The only family we have seen from him is his uncle and aunt.

Adjectives: Annoying, Cheap, Clumsy, Demanding, Dumb,

The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from a Rose to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance.

A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pri-cks, and gives you a sense of safety & security while you're actually being screwed.

Gerd

this is a wind up? French bull poodle yes bull dog never, not in this world

you might think it, but your customs are not fools, and neither are we taking books second hand books home I hope you enjoy your stay in thr BKK hilton

Paddy and Mick are walking down a street in London. Paddy happens to

look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye.

The sign said "Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, Trousers £2.50

per pair"

Paddy says to his pal, "Mick, look! We could buy a whole lot of

dose, and when we get back to Ireland, we could make a <deleted>' fortune. Now

when we go into the shop, you be quiet, okay? Just let me do all the talking

cause if they hear our accent, they might not be nice to us. I'll speak in

my best English accent.'

'Roight y'are, Paddy, I'll keep me mouth shut, so I will.' says Mick.

They go in and Paddy says, "I'll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100

shirts at £2.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at £2.50 each. I'll back up my

truck

and..."

The owner of the shop interrupts, "You're from Ireland, aren't you?"

"Well... yes," says a surprised Paddy. "How der hel_l d' y' know dat?"

The owner says, "This is a dry cleaners.

perhaps he was there to pick up his hearing aid.

I hsve seen lots of posts on this subject I'm not TROLLING but can any of you ladies please tell me why anybody male/female would want to live/marry with someone they met 2 months ago

lez aged 62 going on 40, honest i'm not trolling

she must love him

yup and they have your number

I forget who said it, either Lennon or Stalin, “If you tell a lie often enough it becomes the truth”.

St Francis of Xavier or some place, give me the child and at 7 I will give you the man.

Religion, all of them is all to do with control of the masses, oh yes and screwing as much money as possible out of the masses.

There is a plaque outside the Liverpool catholic cathedral, “built by the poor of Liverpool” why couldn’t the rich of Liverpool build the place?

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts.

The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

Undo

you took the words right off my finger.

lez

pork take-away

your order sir