Mr Jones

took a while but the penny dropped

Subject: Terrorist Threats!

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The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent

terrorist threats and have raised their security level from

"Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon though, security levels may

be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even" A Bit Cross."

Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in

1940 when tea supplies all but ran out.

Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a

"Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a

"Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire

of 1666.

Also, the French government announced yesterday that

it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The

only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and

"Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire

that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively

paralyzing the country's military capability.

It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened

level of alert.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and

Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels

remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from

"Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching

Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor"

and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual,

and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling

out of Brussels.

I used to shave my gf under arms first, then onto the kitchen table with a towel, scissors to cut it short, then the old type shaving soap and brush, always a new blade, after an hour of moving this and that about she would be a quivering mess and putty in my hands. You should try it. Shaving gel/foam is not very good

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Halloween at a Hospital

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An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the

last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he

decided the latest episode was another and stayed put.

He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed

beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed,

gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital

window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed

on him.

He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently

trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the

soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down

at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing

his laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked

up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"

The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat

the sh*t out of a ghost."

That John Cleese is a funny fellow. It's also funny how he somehow overlooked that those barely literate, Neanderthal Americans, managed to register 23 times more new patents last year than their British betters. Oh well.

True but did you know that 22 of the 23 were designed / created within the U.S. by Europeans lured there by large sums of money! So the cash was U.S but the brains......!

The other one was from Turkey.

I didn't say 23, I said 23 times; as in 3, 500 vs 85,000. Hey, and why single Turkey out? It's Europe too, right?

NO

<deleted> ck knowes he is sill the no 1 shi t

I hope he gets a letter fome his mummy asking about her grand babies

the tw at wants fuc kig with one of them large poles

to do a runner onm youe own babies shut up me

I bet his parents will be real proud of him, must be the cu nt of the year

can I also add

Don't take sweets/candy/lollies it rots their teeth.

take fruit etc much better for them

lez

who cares when you get this in the west indies

no crash hats

At a recent NPA

My Name is Mr Jones.

and I'm a nitpicker.

Please note. No8 has been left in American units (US Gallons) to aid our friends from across the Pond. Gallons (US or Imperial - which are not the same) are no longer used in the UK

Milk and Beer are

efed if i know just got out of bed

Bethlehem. first nut house in the world

the insane couldnt say Bethlehem it became Bedlem

scousers

thats me.

left back.

in the dressing room.

dressing room

minding the coats under the tree

Bethlem was founded in 1247 as a priory. It was built just outside the north walls of the City of London, just east of Bishopsgate, on land owned by a City merchant Simon FitzMary. FitzMary gave the land to the monks of St Mary of Bethlehem, to found a priory

you tell him father Jack

because i know f all about football

lez

thats me bottom left

not much more to say

aaa.bmp

Is this an incoming call? Do you know who is calling you?

Could be a scam for you to call back premium rate numbers,

I get them in the UK if you don’t know who called you don’t phone back

Lez

India, or more specifically Goa.

I have to agree with the comments about the Indian government.

Food, you can get what ever nationality food you fancy and cheep, beer is very cheep as is spirits, wine is expensive and tastes like it has been drunk before,

The people in Goa are on the most part very friendly a mix of most religions and get on well together, as said before English is spoken everywhere,

Rip offs, like most countries it has its wide boys, just don’t get taken in

Annoyances, beggars and taxi drivers “TAXI SIR” every 10 seconds can drive you up the wall, corrupt police, everything is a IR500 fine half the force is plane clothes and offering the unaware tourists pot and girls, while his uniformed mate hides, then arrests you, street fine or ten years in prison. It was mentioned earlier that drugs are legal in India, they are not, easily obtained but not legal recreational drug use in India carries heave jail time (10 years for one refer no parole).

Most people frame the receipt for dropping a cigarette stump in the street if they smoke or not, IR50 in a land where sows <deleted> all over the place.

Women, as a foreigner you don’t have much chance of finding a decent girl, I did see a few old white men with Thai wives, there is prostitution for those that want it but they are as rough as a bears bum.

Money, I can live very well thank you much on £10/

A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly ... he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying,

"Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Get your own f.....g blanket"!

After a moment of silence, he farted.

do we have a mad as a hatter forum?

I can sea this is gonna bee a long thread

and draufgts is what cums unger the door

it is spell check, checkers is a board gane

Paddy loves to drink at the local bar, but his wife disapproves of this. One night, he's at the bar and he gets extremely drunk. He tries to stand up, but immedeatly falls to the floor. He tries this a few more times, but each time he falls to the floor. People offered to help him, but he said no each time. He finally ended up dragging himself home and sneaking into bed, thinking his wife would never catch him.

The next morning, Paddy's wife says, "Paddy, you son of a bitch! You were at the bar last night drinking again!"

Paddy was confused. "How do you know?"

"The barman phoned. You left your wheelchair there."

it's not a difficult question.

it is if you come from the

isle-of man