chickenslegs

Now you're just confusing the Europeans.

A guy goes into a shop and orders some Irish sausage. Shopkeeper says: "Oh, you must be Irish." Guy said, "Come on, man. You think because I order Irish sausage I'm Irish. What if somebody came in here and ordered French toast? Would you think he was French? What if somebody came in here and ordered a Belgian waffle? Would you consider that guy a Belgian? If a guy came in and ordered a German bratwurst, would you consider that fellow to be a German. I think it is absolutely ridiculous that just because I come in and order Irish sausage you assume that I'm Irish. Why would you do that?'' And the shopkeeper says: "Well, first of all it's a hardware store." (adapted from an old Norm Macdonald joke - RIP Norm)

Alan: "Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?" Dad: "Because your mother loves Easter and Teresa is an anagram of Easter." Alan: ...

Note for Europeans: A dozen is 12.

Ryan

Scram

Borrowed from the ISIHAC archives - Featured prizes: An ideal gift for a favourite uncle who’s concerned about his wife’s security - an electronically coded Aunty theft device. A perfect labour saving kitchen device for every Arctic rodent enthusiast - an automatic Lemming squeezer. Sure to delight every Gazelle enthusiast who hates his pets going astray - it’s this stamped addressed Antelope.

Wouldn't that require rubber gloves and lube?

No radiator on a Beetle

Demijohns

Definitely the easiest option - but also one of the most expensive.

I decided to buy one of the new high-speed Stannah stairlifts. Apparently, they're guaranteed get you to the top of the stairs before you forget what you went up for.

Old age is a heck of a lot better than the alternative. What’s the best part of old age? That it doesn’t last very long. Which underwear brand do seniors love best? It Depends. I called the incontinence hotline recently. They asked if I could hold. A woman is sitting at a bar when an older gentleman sits down beside her. “So,” he says, “do I come here often?” What do you call someone who enjoys Mondays? Retired.

I caught my wife going through the neighbour’s bins... She's not nosey, she’s just terrible at parking!

I hadn't seen my neighbour put out his bin for a while. One day I saw him in the garden and asked him: "Where’s your bin?" He said: "I've been on holiday." I said: "No, where’s your wheelie bin?" He said: "Ok, I’ve really been in prison."

Plenty og OMO in Thailand

Seen occasionally in Foodland Pattaya.

From the guidance notes for UK passport applications: Customer chooses not to send us voluntary DNA evidence If a customer chooses not to provide DNA evidence, you must make a decision on the application based on a balance of probability, using documents and information the customer provides. You must not draw any negative inferences about a customer’s decision against offering DNA evidence. https://assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/1112989/DNA_testing_for_British_passport_applications_V7.pdf Seems you can decline a DNA test and, instead, provide evidence to show that "on a balance of probabilities" you are the father.

A signal to his gik perhaps? To indicate whether his missus is away or not.

Slingshot

Brilliant! You should send that to Private Eye. Editorial Private Eye 6 Carlisle Street London W1D 3BN United Kingdom Email: [email protected]

Worship

Pharmacy

Released in 1970 and true 53 years later. They paved paradise and put up a parking lot With a pink hotel, a boutique, and a swinging hot spot Don't it always seem to go That you don't know what you got 'til it's gone? They paved paradise and put up a parking lot They took all the trees and put 'em in a tree museum And they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them Etc.