chickenslegs

How about a samlor instead. That would keep you fit.

Driver

Off

Side

Neck

Herrings

But I saved the best til last ... With my wife it was sex, sex, sex...Yes, three times in 35 years.

And more ... Dulwich College takes me back after seventy years: My Mum must have written one hell of a sick note! I came home and found that my son was taking drugs - my very best ones too! I'm rather relaxed about death. From quite an early age I've regarded it as part of the deal, the unwritten guarantee that comes with your birth certificate. I can remember when safe sex meant a padded headboard. It got up to 94 degrees today - that's pretty good at my age. The last time I was in Spain I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels. I must remember to take enough toilet paper next time. My wife was fitted with a coil. For about 18 months I hated it! She used to pick up CB signals. I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer. Marriage is an investment which pays dividends if you pay interest. My father only hit me once - but he used a Volvo. My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh. My wife said: 'Can my mother come down for the weekend?' So I said: 'Why?' and she said: 'Well, she's been up on the roof two weeks already'. Personally, I don't think there's intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?

More from Bob Monkhouse. They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now. A miniature village in Bournemouth caught fire and the flames could be seen nearly three feet away. Growing old is compulsory - growing up is optional. A tom cat hijacked a plane, stuck a pistol into the pilot's ribs and demanded: 'Take me to the canaries'. I can still enjoy sex at 74 - I live at number 75, so it's no distance. I got my start in silent radio. I'd never be unfaithful to my wife for the reason that I love my house very much. If you don't go to other peoples funerals, they won't go to yours. What do gardeners do when they retire? Where do the homeless have 90 per cent of their accidents?

Why don't polar bears eat penguins? Because they can't get the wrapper off.

The thing that changed cannot be spoken of here.

Insider

Ivy

Times

So I met this Thai girl in a nightclub, and we got on really well. She lived nearby, so I offered to walk her home. We got to her front door and she asked me to come in for a coffee. Then she asked: "Do you have a condom?" What a weird way to make coffee.

Projectile

The original Tranny Van ...

(Roger) Rabbit

I can't find the Terry Wogan version - "You picked a time to leave me loose heel, four hundred children and a crop in the field." But this one's pretty good ...

Fate