onni4me

i know the gay life. and i did not find any single "ordinary" boy yet.

but i wish to know if i can find them anywhere ... that's all!

Boooring...first to go to a tourist destination and seek uncut jewels from there. It's like hunting the untouched one from a go-go-bar.

To you and all others who like to find 'true' love and people, look it from ordinary places like where Thais go.

I never bother to make definition between a bar boy or someone else. They are all just people to me. Although, when looking for bf I have my quality test and I am not looking him from Pattaya, Phuket, Hua Hin or in this case from Samui.

And I would not complain that much on otherwise lovely island...

Funny, sort of...

Well, my bf is quite alike OP's. I might ask him whether he is hungry or not and he might say 'NO'. But I know him better than that. He is in this respect a child of nature and been with him so long, I can pretty well guess when he is hungry. His brains seem to shut down when he finally gets to the point that he is hungry. At that point nothing else gets through to him than food. 'I am hungry!' he cries and that means he needs to eat NOW! It doesn't mean anything that we are in the middle of the jungle or on a boat far away from beach or in some remote village in the middle of nowhere. He needs to eat NOW!

This has made me prepare for situations by buying snacks (which I normally don't buy) buying double amount of food not depending whether somebody actually eats it or not (our dog is the carbage bin...). Food is quite cheap in Thailand so far so I try to keep him happy by not thinking of this issue so much. It's anyway funny when a grown up man suddenly wakes up feeling super-hungry...

The change of mood can happen in minutes. So I actually think that in the future all that could be avoided by buying an extra piece - even if no-one eats it. I personally sort of agree on the idea that Thais share a lot of food and it's a sign of caring to buy something to them even if they are not angry (<<<Freudian slip here, hehe).

What comes to learning from experiences. Hmm...er...cultures are different but I would consider it really a nuisance if someone would repeat silly behavior after I would have discussed it with him. I joke on my bfs faults and doings and he does the same to me and we have fun from things that are a part of being together. I recommend more to look the funny side of things than taking them to negative. Just a suggestion. Thailand and Bangkok especially is a place where you needs your special storage of positivism (naive impression?).

As someone put it ... Look on the bright side of the ... and so on...

Your profile doesn't give any clues how old you are and so on. So, it's difficult to say but I know some people who have found sexual encounters and more at least on Pattaya. Some of them were older folks and got attention from younger lads so everything is possible. Not all are into Thai men either. Not talking about experience, though.

I guess a nice conversation in gay orientated hotel/bar/cafe/by-the-pool would do the trick. The problem, I guess, is that most gay establishments are discos and go-go-bars and its very difficult to have any conversation whatsoever due to circumstances. I think You are not alone in your quest to have conversation and other benefits what comes to mutual backgrounds and cultural things.

What comes to ending a relationship, that's a difficult hurting period afterward anyway. So, slow approach is recommended. Or banging your brains out, whatever suits you.

Good luck. Maybe your new bf waits around the next corner. The best thing is to keep a positive mind and keep the 'search mode' on. That way you glow the right kind of feeling towards people.

I am so glad attidues have been and still are getting better all over the world. Hopefully they will keep getting better might cut the youth suicdie rate bit.

edit: Thinking about this after maybe we have the internet partially to thank for for the change in attitudes as its been easier for people to talk to each other and know they arent the only one and there are people out there like them ?

I agree 100%. In Finland there's been a big drop in suicide rate when internet came alive and popular, especially concerning young men. When I was young I thought I was only one who felt towards men. The general athmosphere was not very allowing - must come from protestant culture that has penetrated Northern Europe in such a big extent. Everything was sin and gays were unheard of. Some said that Swedish people were 'like that'. I got some hints from literature and movies and it made me think that maybe there was a way to comprehend my feelings. When I was introduced to net I sat hours wondering how many gay sites there was. Nowadays I mostly read news and look documentary films... maybe I am getting old..

Nowadays young people can share their feelings anonymously and find groups that accept them fully. In my opinion that's new kind of social networking. Before it was mostly people through social functions and work that one was able to meet. People outside closed circles were rarities. One might wonder how quickly flying has become popular. Not much over 35 years i guess. Thinking about myself I am greatful that I could come to Thailand in such an easy way. Being born not so long away gave me advantages over older generations. I was born a year that they abolished gay law from criminal code...hmm...maybe they knew it was useless concerning my being.

Like me, he did not move across the globe to re-enter the closet.

Yep, my feeling exactly. I had to hide my sexuality for years and that caused me to get depressed every now and then. It's not healthy since sexuality plays a major role in our existense. It was also obnoxious to listen all those straight jokes and defaming ones about gay people. I lived years in working culture that you would have been totally ignored and left alone if you would have forgotten your place in the closet.

What comes to this topic, I am really happy for everyone who can enjoy his/her life to the max. That should not be a problem to anyone. Looks fortunately are just a part of it.

I'd like to just add that we chatted and emailed 2 months before actually meeting. That should make my point. He never was only one I contacted but became something much more.

About internet...what's there to be said...except that its one medium to approach people. Some detest it, some love it and so on. For me it worked. So I am all for it.

In the time you took to write all of that, you could've gotten in shape and learned Thai and a whole new world of possibilities would've opened for you...

??? Did I miss something ?

In gay life it's so typical to stare at someone's physical appearance. What comes to speaking Thai, the ones I've met in Thailand have been able to express themselves with reasonable English abilities. The ones that can't speak it at all are - from my personal point of view - uninteresting.

The whole writing was basically from the point that I do understand why so many get disappointed in their quest to find good guys. Great expectations, that's it and nothing to back them. I am not a prince Charming but I am aware of my good qualities.

As someone above wrote, it's almost imprinted into our characters what kind of a person we a actually looking for and this has nothing to do with selfishness or bitterness. The problem occurs when we in a land of plenty like Thailand without means to determine what we are looking at. I have nothing against falling in love - even instantly - but the qualities should exist there if anything further is going to take place. It still seems hard to some that their 'special love' would be under critical observation because he is 'different'. How many times have I heard that...hmm...let me count...

I am myself a passionate guy still being able to analyze my being. Just would hope to demystify the concept of romantic love that seems to linger amongst us. With 'romantic' I mean blurred idea without any attachment to normal life. It can be as strange as the concept of gay men just f*****g and partying in movies and television series. They never seem to work or have more problems in their lives than merely looking for another sex partner. Rationality and love are hopefully living on the same planet.

sounds all very clinical, if not cynical to me. after many years of meeting guys in all sorts of situations, heartaches and rip-offs, I finally met my guy 7 years ago and we have been good for each other ever since and he does not cost me a penny. Having said that, I would not have missed my previous adventures for quids.

I did just try to avoid those heartaches and rip-offs. I have plenty experience of meeting and enjoying the company of Thai men. I just have my standards and don't wish to go through all the stages again and again. I am happy that you met your guy but if you wouldn't have met him, what then? Continuing seeking and trying all over again?

It sounds peculiar that you say he never costed you a penny. Personally I don't believe it or he is in a very good position in life.

What comes to some of my previous adventures, I would gladly forget some of them. No need to hassle everything in ones life.

Sounds like shopping for a sofa.

Sofas are also not meant for one night stands.

I've been really happy for 2 years that i've been with my Thai husband. Of course, we've had our rounds as anyonein a relationship but they've been short-lived.

I had a guy from Pattaya before. I have stayed in Thailand 4 years now and my first experience was that kind that one wants to forget for good. I did all the mistakes and got wounded. After licking my wounds I came up with a different kind of plan. I needed to adjust my seeking settings. So I came up with the following that worked.

Looking guys from internet. My rules.

1. AGE. Although I admire and sometimes even get excited of younger cute guys I had to admit to myself that I am far from athlete. So I decided to put an age limit that no younger guys than -10 years taken from my age. Now I am 38, was 36 when met my guy. I do believe in love but if the age difference is too big it reminds me of giving advice to my brothers generation and we are very far apart what comes to life experiences and expectations (he is over 10 years younger).

2. WORK. The guy has to have a job. Not that I would care paying some pocket money but rather having a job shows that the guy can survive on his own and don't expect things to be handed to him free of charge. Its also a character question. How many leeches you have seen working and keeping their work? In my experience even if you give them chances to work they bail out saying that it's so little money and that it's so boooring...

3. LANGUAGE. The one needs to speak understandable English that I can communicate with him (I myself can also understand Swedish, Finnish, German and a little French). It really makes me wonder how some guys can stay with someone even without the basic communication skills. Me go, you go, he go ... and such...what an headache...!!!

4. LOCATION. As much I enjoy destinations like Phuket, Bangkok, Chiang Mai or even Pattaya, I can't imagine someone unspoiled coming from those destinations. You probably can understand what I mean without spelling it out. Those guys have a manual how to handle foreigners and they've heard all the stories how one can't be happy with other than Thai. So I decided to look outside the obvious farang destinations in Thailand.

5. nud_e PICS. As much I enjoy looking the fabulous naked bodies of male sex, I can't stand the idea of my loved one spreading nud_e pics of his body around the web. So, someone was deleted from possible list of future bf/husband if he did this even on request! Keep in mind that we had never actually met. I know that some guys are into this kind of thing but there are big differencies what comes to Thai and European culture considering this. A Thai spreading nud_e pics is far away from the kind I am planning to "marry".

6. DRINKING & SMOKING. Can't tolerate guys that smoke. Not to mention the fact that I am asthmatic. Smoking in my mind sort of relates in Asian culture to mafia wannabes that do that "look" with leather jackets and rogue appearance. Just a thought, though. I do drink more than is healthy for me, sometimes out of boredom, sometimes for fun. But for some reason I consider healthy that I don't share this habit with someone. I like to have options and difference in some things. Also what comes to drinking of Thai men, I have seen so many guys that are happy doing absolutely nothing but drink with their buddies playing cards and fuc_king around. Am I wrong thinking these things relate?

7. FAMILY. (optional) I prefer a close small Thai family rather than one with 10 brothers and sisters and couple hundred cousins. Why? Well, I am not that well off and family's needs come first in every Thai family that I know of. Trying to keep low maintenance in my financial matters.

So, how many guys I found that were compatible with my rules? After searching countless hours and several websites one could think that there were plenty. Wrong. There were 2. The other one had had a farang bf before and when we chatted, he talked over and over again how much he missed this guy. When I mentioned that maybe he should give him a call he went nuts (loss of face?). The other one didn't appear very attractive in the picture but luckily it was really a bad picture. We contacted 2 months through internet before we met and have been together since.

I would like to add that I don't believe in long-distance relationships. I spend 3 months every year outside Thailand working and getting paid enough to pay my stay for another 9 months.

Don't take these rules too seriously but I just like to point out that there are reasons why internet encounters so often end up miserably.

I think you are right on with your observation.

Is it because of the difference in purchasing power - a farang gives an expensive present to a Thai ... the Thai thinks you are trying to buy him? I'm not talking about bar boys (and I have plenty of experience there) but someone who has a regular and responsible job.

The most appreciated present I ever gave him was health insurance!

My suggestion for a belated birthday present is a night on the town or a weekend away to somewhere of his choice ... or health insurance?

I sort of have similar experience on this. You have to be extra careful not to make them feel 'poor'. Thai culture is very strange what one can say and do. I have mostly been interacting with guys that are working and have their own money. That seems to make things even more difficult what comes to relationships. Its all about their family and status. Sort of a paradox here. When they come from bars they are happy to receive almost anything (valuable, that is) and when they come closer to making it financially they seem to need nothing and get quite conscious if you manage to disappoint them.

My friend is someone with his own business and has already all the things imaginable that I could come up with. He's in his early 30's and not a flashy or fashionable guy.

I reckon it might do with a dinner but the thing is that he does that on regular basis.

Maybe a gift voucher...but I personally would like to give something nicer. Just can't figure out what.

In my opinion no Thais stay in Babylon - unless of course they arer working there - it's expensive by Thai standards. Some Thais from better circles may stroll around looking for a quickie or similar but they'll return home after they've had their fun.

Also Babylon is located on a quiet and remote soi so one needs a transportation out and in every time. My favorite is Pinnacle since you can get discount prices through Jimmy, who lives in 13th floor (open 11am-3pm). Nice breakfast is served and MRT is in a walking distance and taxis are always available.

Malaysia is cheaper and okay. I have stayed couple of times and never had any disturbance from the 24/7 restaurant service downstairs.

I've been always terrible buying gifts to friends and even loved ones. Previously some items I gave to a Thai gay guys deserved little if not almost any attention and were quickly forgotten. I did however spend considerable time to pick them up.

Now I am asking what to give since a special event is approaching and I should give something nice if not extremely valuable.

Any ideas guys? Also nice stories related greatly appreciated.

Hmm. I was 13 when I realized I was interested in boys. Had an experience with a guy from same class.

When I was born I was still a criminal in my country (Finland). The law was abolished 1971 but after that homosexuals were treated as mentally ill or sick. The psychological labelling was later removed around 1984 (if I remember the year correct). Nowadays the whole matter is rather different and we can "marry" and get some rights as in partnership. They are considering adoption laws that would permit gays adopting under the same rules as heteros.

As my birth town was rather conservative - which it still is today - I never came out of closet there. I made the mistake marrying a nice lady and we divorced last year due to me finding a thai partner 2 years ago. I was married nearly 15 years. Lately, I've told my parents the truth and their response was as I expected. My father couldn't 'understand' but didn't seem to be bothered so much and my mother replied that it was something she had been pondering about as it didn't come out as a surprise. Next January-February they are going to meet my boyfriend. Interesting to see how it goes. However, in fear of social effect, they have decided not to talk about anyone how everything really is in my new situation. I agreed with them that it might be wise at least for timebeing.

Now I am happy. Its quite different what comes to living openly in gay relationship but I consider it easier in Thailand than it would be in my home country. Being gay is leagal now but the attitudes have changed just a little what comes to being outside bigger cities in Finland. I have thought moving to Finland with my future husband but still wondering would that be a good choice. Have to consider the pros and cons.

To the original question. I came out of closet when I was 38 yo.