ballpoint

It’s so unfair and sexist that manslaughter is illegal. Women can laugh whenever they want.

In England it’s called a lift. In the United States it’s called a elevator. I guess we’re raised a little differently.

Three surgeons were having drinks together at a pub and the discussion wandered into what kind of people they liked to operate on. One says that he likes to operate on mechanical engineers. When he opens one up, all the parts are neatly laid out and wherever parts need to fit together, there is a nice interlock mechanism. The second says that he likes to operate on electronics engineers. When he cuts one open, not only are the parts all laid out neatly, just like with mechanical engineers, but they are all color coded on top of that. The third surgeon says that he likes to operate on lawyers. When he opens one up, there are only two parts, the mouth and the anus, and they are interchangeable.

I bought some coconut shampoo today. I got halfway home before I thought, `I don't even have a coconut!'

Years ago, it was suggested that "an apple a day keeps the doctor away". Now that all the doctors are predominantly Muslim, I feel a bacon sandwich works better.

Is it just me? Why, when you are a man over 50, every time you see a medic they insist on sticking a finger up your ar5e. Every time! It's getting ridiculous. Last week I finally spoke out and said "My last dentist never did this"

I just saw this fella going up a hill with a wheelbarrow full of horseshoes, four leaf clovers and rabbit's feet. I thought: ‘He’s pushing his luck!’

Can anybody tell me who played Forest Gump? T hanks.

Sadly, while the forum was down, we lost some of our local businesses. The bra shop has gone bust, the watch-menders has called time, the paper shop folded, the shoe repairers has been soled, the food blender factory gone into liquidation, and the TV aerial shop called in the receivers.

Someone told me today that I look like a pepper pot. I'll take that as a condiment.

A guy had planned a fishing trip to his favourite fishing spot on the flats of Florida. He packed and began the trip to the water. He launched his boat, motored to his sea trout honey hole, and began fishing. In no time, he caught the biggest trout he’d ever caught. He cast out again and was delighted to catch an even larger trout. Every cast, he caught a trophy fish. Then his mobile phone rang; it was the hospital telling him his wife had been admitted to the emergency room. She may die, they told him. The fisherman is worried, but he wants to catch the world record trout, so he decides to have just a few more casts. He pulls in three more really huge trout, but his conscience begins to get the better of him, so, he reluctantly pulls anchor and motors back to his car to go to the hospital. Running into the emergency room, he meets up with a stern-looking doctor. The doctor sees the man dressed for fishing and scolds the husband: “Your wife has been at death’s door for hours now. You kept fishing after you were called, didn’t you? You ought to be ashamed!” The fisherman sobbed it was true. “Well,” said the doc, “I hope you had a good time; your wife will survive, but your fishing days are over… She will require constant care from now on… 24 hours per day. You will have to do everything for her.” The fisherman sobbed, “Oh God, I didn’t think it was that bad, I feel terrible!!!!” The doc grinned and nudged the fisherman with his elbow… ”Just kidding, buddy… she’s dead. How many did you catch?