ballpoint

Not to mention his "Peter the Great" aspirations.

I keep dreaming I'm a horse That's five nights on the trot now.

If I get angry at men and women equally does it make me bi-furious?

Three aspiring psychiatrists Eric, Peter and Murphy were attending their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor "What is the opposite of joy?" "Sadness," said Eric "And the opposite of depression?" "Elation," said Peter "And you sir," he said to the young man from Limerick, "How about the opposite of woe?" Murphy replied, "Sir, I believe that would be 'giddy up."

I slept over at my girlfriend's house but her father didn't want us to sleep together. So I had to sleep with my girlfriend.

A taxi driver picks up a drunk, but places him on the front passenger seat so he can keep an eye on him. After a while, the drunk falls asleep. The taxi driver then sees a gorgeous brunette in a miniskirt, obviously in need of a taxi. It turns out she’s going to the same part of town so he gladly lets her sit in the back... As the journey proceeds, the taxi driver glances in the mirror and realizes he can see all the way up her skirt and she’s not wearing any knickers. He nudges the drunk awake, turns the mirror towards the passenger seat and whispers, "Oi, take a look at this"... The drunk looks in the mirror and sighs, "Have you got a comb, mate...? I look like a ****".

'Lads, I can do you a great deal on some pagers. Of course they're kosher - sorry, bad choice of words'

Hezbollah issue new communications devices.