ballpoint

I was driving behind an ambulance today when I noticed a small metal box sitting on the rear bumper. When the ambulance turned right, the box flew off and landed on the side of the road against the kerb. Call me curious or just the Good Samaritan that I am, I pulled over and retrieved it. When I opened the box there was a human toe packed in ice inside it. “Woops , that’s a serious mistake” I thought, and unsure of where it was headed I called the A&E Dept of the biggest hospital in the area and explained what I had found. The lady on the other end of the phone said “Yes, the ambulance had just arrived minus the box”. I gave her my location and asked if they were going to send another ambulance to collect it? The lady replied “No, we’ll just send a toe truck”.

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said: 'Father ... During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.' The priest replied: 'That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that.' 'There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me with sexual favours. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.' The priest said, 'That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.' 'Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question.' 'And what is that?' asked the priest. 'Should I tell her the war is over?''

Breaking News! The UK is sending a battalion of highland pipers to train Ukrainian troops. It's the latest in drone warfare.

It was entertainment night at the senior citizens' centre. After the community sing along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show - Claude the Hypnotist! Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance. "Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time." said Claude. The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket; a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain. "I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see. "It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations" said Claude. He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting "Watch the watch --- Watch the watch ----Watch the watch" The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth. The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces. A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch. They were hypnotized. And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!! The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact" "S***" said Claude. It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens' Centre and Claude was never invited there again.

I remember once when I was working behind a bar. A German came in and asked for a martini, I said "dry"? He said "no thanks, one will be enough".

I don't know, and don't care.

Russians leave the front line - the war ends. Ukrainians leave the front line - Ukraine ends.

But the missiles taking out their command structures are very clean afterwards.