ballpoint

My dear old dad used to say: "The first rule of theatre, son, is to always leave them wanting more." Lovely bloke but a terrible anaesthetist.

I have written a book called First-Rate Basement makeovers. It has just made the best cellars list.

The bloke next door asked me if I wanted to try a wife swap. "I'm not sure" I said - "will I get her back ?" "Course !" he laughed "No then"

This is my fourth visit to Turkey in 3 years, and every time it's the same old thing. "10 camels for your beautiful wife?" And every time I tell them to sod off, before winking at the wife. If she is that beautiful, why the hell are they trying to sell her back to me?

Our company team just played football against the lemonade factory. They were 7up by half time.

I just found out Steffi Graff has a sister called Polly. No lie!

My Doctor told me I'm suffering from hypochondria ...not surprising, I've had everything else.

A Yorkshireman with bad haemorrhoids goes to the chemist and says “as thee any **** cream”? “Aye lad", the chemist replies, "what does tha want, Magnum or Cornetto?”

A pastor went to the dentist for a set of false teeth. The first Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes. The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes. The following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes. The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they asked him what happened. The Pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't talk for more than 8 minutes. The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes. But, the third Sunday, he put his wife's teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up.

On this day in 1913 Walter Wrack first drew up plans for a device to allow luggage to be carried on the top of motor vehicles. His sad early demise meant that the fame and glory for developing and marketing the finished product all fell to his sister Ruth

I think my wife is a drug dealer. I was running late for work this morning and the phone rang. This guy asked if the dope was gone yet.

In that CNN report it says Lukashenko says he just spoke to Prigozhin on the phone in St Petersburg, and then, unasked, suddenly said that he doesn't think Putin will kill him. Seems a strange thing to state if no one actually asked the question.