ballpoint

Farmer Dave went to see his neighbour Dan one day. Come rain or shine, Dan would always be outdoors, tending the crops or checking his animals. But not today. Dave couldn't see Dan anywhere, but eventually he found him in the barn. He was sat by the side of his beloved Massey-Ferguson, there was soft music playing, a table was laid with a white cloth, a candle burned brightly and rose petals lay scattered on the floor. Dave was confused. He asked Dan what was going on. "Well, if you must know," replied Dan, "my marriage has been a bit rocky lately. We went to marriage counselling and the counsellor said that I wasn't putting enough effort into our relationship and that I need to make more effort to win back my wife's affection. In the end, he suggested I do something romantic to a tractor..."

I went to the bank and said I'd like to open a joint account. "With whom?" They asked. I said "Anyone who has a lot of money!"

I dream of being a millionaire - like my dad. He dreamt of being a millionaire as well.

Everyone assumes my Alaskan puppy has a sore throat, but he’s just a little husky.

DAUGHTER: I need to go to the toilet. ME: *pulls into nearest service station* DAUGHTER: Thanks Dad. ME: Make sure you're back in 5 minutes. DAUGHTER: I will. ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once. DAUGHTER: I don't have a brother. ME: Exactly.

They just released a remake of Ben Hur, starring Sam Smith. Ben They, Them.