ballpoint

I once had an an interview at a Blacksmith. He asked me, 'Are you any good at shoeing horses?' I replied, 'No, but I once told a donkey to **** off.'

I was rear-ended in my car by an ice-cream van.. I'm now suffering from Mr Whippylash!

Blind prostitutes. You have to hand it to them.

From what we know of Trump's insecurity and childish delight at thinking he's getting one over his opponents, whether they know, or care, about it or not, he probably sat up at night thumbing through and gloating over them while pretending he was still president. However, what if the reason for the delay in grabbing these documents, despite them knowing where they were for a few months now, was that the FBI was running a sting operation, with an undercover agent posing as a buyer for some of them, and the fish just took the bait? Admittedly, it's a rather big 'what if', but the possibility is there.

Exactly. "Nice country you've got yourself here. Be a shame if anything happened to it. Like it burning down, or something."

This whole sordid business also provides further insight into just why Putin went to so much trouble to get Trump elected. Not only with the goal of undermining Western values, and trade and military alliances, but the ultimate spying prize. Forget about Burgess, Maclean, Philby and the head of MI6. Installing ones mole as president of the USA trumps (no pun intended) the lot. The money he had to pay for a new set of sheets and a few blank DVDs must go down as one of the greatest bargains in history. The signs have been there for a while, the late John le Carré had it figured out in 2019: “You know what Trump is?’ ‘Tell me.’ ‘He’s Putin’s s***house cleaner. He does everything for little Vladi that little Vladi can’t do for himself: p***es on European unity, p***es on human rights, p***es on NATO. Assures us that Crimea and Ukraine belong to the Holy Russian Empire, the Middle East belongs to the Jews and the Saudis, and to hell with the world order.” ― John le Carré, Agent Running in the Field.

The story of King Donald, and his amazing ability to turn everything he touches into declassified material.

Two guys in their mid-twenties are sitting at a bar having a beer. One of the guys says to his buddy, "Man, you really look tired." His buddy says, "Dude, I'm exhausted. My girlfriend wants sex all the time, three, four, even six times a night, every night. She wakes me up at all hours. I just don't know what to do." A fellow about 70, sitting a couple of stools down overheard the conversation. He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says, "Marry her. That'll put a stop to that nonsense.

A man in a bar saw a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend he commented, “You look terrible. What’s the problem?” “My mother died in June,” he said, “and left me $10,000.” “Gee, that’s tough,” he replied. “Then in July,” the friend continued, “my father died, leaving me $50,000.” “Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you’re depressed.” “And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000.” “Three close family members lost in three months? How sad.” “Then this month,” continued the friend, “nothing!”

A husband and wife sleep in separate twin beds. One night he asks her over to his bed for a quickie. As she's walking over she trips on the carpet and falls flat on her face. The husband looks up concerned and says "oh, did my little wifey fall on her little nosey wosey?" She gives a giggle and carries on to his bed. When the deed is done she crosses back to her bed and trips on the carpet again, with the same outcome. The husband looks over her shoulder, sees her on the floor again and says "clumsy b*tch!"

I’ve tried many jobs but most were unsuccessful. My first job was at an orange factory but I got canned because I couldn’t concentrate! My second job was as a lumberjack but I couldn’t hack it so they axed me! My third job was a chef. I thought it would add some spice to my life but I couldn’t handle the thyme! Thirdly I tried being a professional fisherman. However I hadn’t been to school so I couldn’t live on my net income! I had nearly given up but as a last resort I applied to be a historian but soon realised there was no future in it! Lastly I decided to retire and I have found I am perfect for the job!

Tomorrow sees the start of international diarrhoea week. Runs till Friday.

My young son pointed at a lesbian couple kissing in the park. So I walked over and said, "There's a time and a place for that, ladies." They looked at me. "Oh, is there now?" asked one lady, folding her arms. I said, "Yes. It's 9pm, and my house."

Seriously though, this is scary business. If it happened to the former president, then the very same thing could happen to any of us who stole some top secret highly classified documents. Be careful out there.

Come on, it takes time for a man his age to learn how to read.