ballpoint

I'm worried about the security of my local bank. I think I'll steal all their money and preserve it under my bed. I might even put a lock on the door if someone asks me to.

Trump and team's ranting, a brief (and self contradictory) time line: All documents were returned already, these must have been planted. Release the warrant! Oh, you have. Okay then, release the affidavit! But, but, Obama has documents! He was allowed to have these documents. He declassified them just by removing them from the White House. Release the security camera footage! Oh, we have that, but aren't releasing it. You'd better not take this any further. His followers are getting angry, and you don't want that to happen! It's as if they're doing an action replay of the events leading up to Jan 6th, just in case the committee happened to miss anything first time round. And Trump only hires the best people? If room temperature is the IQ ceiling, then maybe he does.

Extracts from (allegedly) actual complaint letters regarding council houses: 1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it. 2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore. 3. it's the dog mess that I find hard to swallow. 4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off. 5. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly then he put his foot in the hole in his back passage. 6. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence. 7. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off. 8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand? 9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall. 10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant. 11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen. 12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy. 13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers. 14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared. 15. Will you please send a man to look at my water; it is a funny colour and not fit to drink. 16. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces. 17. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me. 18. The man next door has as large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous. 19. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it. 20. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night. 21. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife. 22. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction. 23. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.

A couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife’s hand in his and said; “Beth, soon we will be married 30 years, and there’s something I have to know. In all of these 30 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?” Beth replied, “Well Charles, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I’ve been unfaithful to you three times during these 30 years, but always for a good reason.” Charles was obviously hurt by his wife’s confession but said, “I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by ‘good reasons?” Beth said, “The very first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn’t pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended, well I did what I had to do” Charles recalled the visit to the banker and said, “I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?” Beth answered, “And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn’t have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge, well I did what I had to do.” “I recall that,” says Chuck. “And you did it to save my life so of course, I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time.” “All right,” Beth said. “So do you remember when you ran for president of the golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?”

A little girl came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting." she said. "How do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."

I have always been an animal lover. As my court records show.

My Dad is a pigeon fancier. He's not welcome in Trafalgar Square any more.

We were in Peru and this weird animal mounted my wife from behind and had its way with her. A Llama? No, she really enjoyed it.

My Dad once worked with an old hunting guide, and one day they had a know it all guy along with them. They were walking through the woods and they came across some small, brown spheres: “What’s that?” asked Mr know-it-all. “Why them’s smart pills,” said the guide. “Ya just gobble a couple and ya gets smarter”. So the guy scooped a few up and popped them in his mouth. Then he immediately spat them out and said “Jesus! These taste just like sh*t!” “Yep,” said the guide. “I do believe you’re getting smarter already.”

I got so fed up with the wife today that I said to her “for the past 30 years, you’ve corrected everything I say” Her reply; “no darling; it’s 31 years”.