ravip

Why Tarzan doesn't have a beard when he lives in the jungle without a razor? Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat? Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough? Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet? What is the speed of darkness? Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up every two hours? If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be? Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer? Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground? Did you ever stop and wonder... Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat? Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer? Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is? If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from? If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? Stop singing and read on... Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window? Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning." My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet." My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!" My father taught me LOGIC "Because I said so, that's why My mother taught me MORE LOGIC "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me." My mother taught me FORESIGHT Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident." My father taught me IRONY "Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about." My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS "Shut your mouth and eat your supper." My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM "Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!" My mother taught me about STAMINA "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone." My mother taught me about WEATHER "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it." My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY "If I told you once, I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate!" My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out." My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION "Stop acting like your father!" My mother taught me about ENVY "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do." My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION "Just wait until we get home." My mother taught me about RECEIVING "You are going to get it from your father when he gets home!" My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way." My mother taught me ESP "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?" My father taught me HUMOUR "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me." My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up." My mother taught me GENETICS "You're just like your father." My mother taught me about my ROOTS "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?" My mother taught me WISDOM "When you get to be my age, you'll understand." My father taught me about JUSTICE "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!" This should be sent only to the over 60 crowd, because the younger ones would not believe we truly were told this!

Q. What do you call an expert fisherman? A. A Master Baiter

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A group of army officers from a certain cantonment were sent far out of town for a week long training camp. On the last day, when they were winding up the camp to get back home, all other officers decided to pull a prank on the junior-most officer, a newly married Lieutenant. They put a pack of condoms in his bag without him noticing it. When the Lieutenant got home, his wife found the condoms while unpacking his stuff. When confronted, the Lieutenant realized the prank and simply said, *"All of us got this complimentary from Headquarters. I didn't use mine . . . , others did."* For over 2 weeks now, the whole cantonment is in a turmoil, as other wives are demanding explanations from their husbands !!

Matthew saw Samuel his ex business partner begging on the street and invited him to get into his limousine. What happened to your share of $15 million each of us received? Matthew asked? Samuel answered "Well, I bought a yacht for $5 mil and just as we were coming out of a fiord in Norway, hit an iceberg and it sank. Then I bought a jet and taking off from Manila the tires burst and it crashed. Decided to retire in Monaco with remaining $5 mil and met this gorgeous woman and got married. After 2 years and a divorce, she took off with my remaining $5 mil. And so, here I am! My god, Samuel. So what did you learn out of all this? Matthew asked? Samuel replied "If anything floats, flies or <deleted>, rent it! Don't buy it.

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Windows 11 KB5011493 released with several new features Windows 11 KB5011493 has been released for everyone as part of the Patch Tuesday cycle and it comes with several new features. Microsoft also published Windows 11 KB5011493 offline installers and these installers can be used to manually upgrade the devices to the latest version. KB5011493 contains all fixes and improvements from the previous optional cumulative update. Windows 11 Patch Tuesday release introduces new taskbar features, but remember that these features are enabled on your device already if you installed the optional updates. https://www.windowslatest.com/2022/03/09/windows-11-kb5011493-released-with-several-new-features/