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fasteddie
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Posts posted by fasteddie
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I've already turned one down. As for needing them to travel, what's the point? They don't stop you getting the virus, they don't stop you passing it on, they just lessen the effects of the virus on yourself.
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80,000 blondes meet in a football stadium for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid" Convention.The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!"Obviously, everyone is a little disappointed. Then 79,999 blondes start cheering, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the worldwide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance."So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?"After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety?"The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened - the blonde starts crying and the 79,999 blondes begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than good, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2?"The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?"Throughout the stadium, pandemonium breaks out as all 79,999 blondes jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream... "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"-
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A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotch-less panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life.She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs - enough times and eventually her husband finally asks, "Are you wearing crotch-less panties?""Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.."Thank goodness.I thought you were sitting on the cat."-
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Hi so dogs Lol
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The Dublin mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law Paddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.What happened Paddy?" she asks anxiously"What happened!!I'll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home early today from my fishing trip. I get home... and guess what I found? Yes, your daughter, my wife Brydie, naked with Frankie McNaughton in our marital bed!This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!""Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. Brydie would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.‘’ Paddy. I told you there must be a simple explanation .......she never got your email-
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Mick, from Lancashire appeared on 'Who Wants to Be a Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 pound:"You've done very well so far." Said Clarkson. The show's presenter. "But for a million pounds you've only got one lifeline left - phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?""Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!""Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?"A: SparrowB: ThrushC: MagpieD: Cuckoo"I haven't got a clue." Said Mick. "So I'll use me last lifeline and phone me friend. Trevor back home in Preston".Mick called up his mate and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him."Hell, Mick!" Cried Trevor. "That's simple... it's a cuckoo.""Are you sure?""I'm sure."Mick hung up the phone and told Jeremy. "I'll go with Cuckoo as me answer.""Is that your final answer?" asked Clarkson."Yep!"There was a long - long pause, then the presenter screamed. "Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!"The next night, Mick invited Trevor to their local pub to buy him a drink."Tell me, Trevor. How in Heaven's name did you know it was the Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?""Because, he lives in a clock!-
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Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp."What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender."Jamie O'Connor and me had a fight," says Paddy."That little <deleted>, O'Connor," says Sean "He couldn't do that to you, He must have had something in his hand.""That he did," says Paddy, "A shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it.""Well," says Sean, "You should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?""That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Connor's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."-
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A guy walks into a bar with a monkey. The monkey grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them.Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them.He then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed one of the balls.To everyone's amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and somehow swallowed it whole.The bartender looked at the guy and said, "Did you see what your monkey just did?""No, what?""He just ate the cue ball off my pool table...whole!""Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, don't worry, I'll pay for the cue ball."The guy finished his drink, paid his bill, paid for the stuff the monkey ate and left.Two weeks later the guy came back and had his monkey with him. He ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar. The monkey found a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabbed it, stuck it up his bum, pulled it out, and then ate it.Then the monkey found a peanut and again stuck it up his bum, pulled it out, and ate it. The bartender asked, "Did you see what your monkey just did?""No, what?" replied the man."Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his bum, pulled them out, and ate them!""Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy."He will eat anything, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."-
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An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return,her Father cursed her heavily.'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us,not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye putyer old Mother through?'The girl, crying, replied, Dad... I became a prostitute.''Ye what!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're adisgrace to this Catholic family.''OK, Dad... as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this luxuriousfur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a 5 millionsavings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And forye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertiblethat's parked outside plus a membership to the country club ... (takesa breath) ... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve onboard my new yacht in the Riviera.''What was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.Girl, crying again, 'A prostitute, Daddy!.''Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye saida Protestant! Come here and give yer old Dad a hug !!!-
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So what's with the ribbons?
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3 hours ago, Beachcomber said:
I said to my partner "When I die, I'd like to die making love"
They replied: “At least it’ll be quick.”
''They''?
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The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, “Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?”No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, “You should not be asking sixth-graders a question lik…e that! I’m going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!”Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, “Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?”Little Mary’s mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, “Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!” The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, “Anybody?”Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, “The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.”Mrs. Parks said, “Very good, Billy,” then turned to Mary and continued. “As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:One, you have a dirty mind.Two, you didn’t read your homework.And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed.
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A man doing market research for the Vaseline Company knocked at the door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. “I’m doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?”She said, “Yes. My husband and I use it all the time.”“If you don’t mind my asking,” he said, “what do you use it for?” “We use it when we make love,” she said.The researcher was a little taken aback. “Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a child’s bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you’ve been so frank so far, can you tell me exactly HOW you use it?”The woman said, “I don’t mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the doorknob and it keeps the kids out.”-
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A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and paperwork decided to give up practicing medicine. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, so he decided to become a mechanic.He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the former gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill.When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade."The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark." After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the exhaust pipe, which I've never seen done in my entire career.-
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A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room"What are you doing?!" she asked."I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in- law answered."But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed."This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained."Love dress? But you're naked!”"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained." It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me”The mother-in-law left.When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive.Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively"What are you doing?" he asked."This is my love dress," she whispered sensually."Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?He never heard the gunshot.-
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Worst Joke Ever 2024
in Jokes - Puzzles and Riddles - Make My Day!
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