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fasteddie
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A Scottish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire."Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said:"Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself."So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked:"Do you shave?""No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?""Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department.....very generously indeed.The girl finished her bath and went to bed.Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you see it?""Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours.""Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before.""I know," he said, "but the darts team hadn't!"-
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THE AFGHAN FOOTBALLERThe Liverpool FC manager flies to Kabul to watch a Young Afghani play football, is suitably impressed And arranges for him to come over.Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Chelsea With only 20 minutes left, the manager gives the young Afghani striker the nod and on he goes.The lad is a sensation, scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and Wins the game for Liverpool . The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football.'Hello mum, guess what?' he says 'I played for 20 minutes Today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me.''Wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such a great time.'The young lad is very upset. 'What can I say mum, but I'm really sorry.''Sorry? Sorry?' says his mum, 'It's your bloody fault we came to Liverpool in the first place!'-
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A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, and then shuddered violently once more.Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, 'I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?''I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm.'The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious.'I have never heard of that condition before' he said.'Are you taking anything for it?'The woman nodded. 'Pepper.'-
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The PCR test is no better.
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Two Chimps & a BlondeA blonde lady motorist was about two hours from the Gold Coast in Australiawhen she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, 'Are you going to the Gold Coast?' 'Sure,' answered the blonde, 'do you need a lift ?' 'Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the Gold Coast Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me ? I' ll give you $100 for your trouble.''I'd be happy to,' said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of the Gold Coast when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to theamusement of abig crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ranover to the blonde. 'What the heck are you doing here ?' he demanded, 'I gave you$100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo.''Yes, I know you did,' said the blonde,' but we had money left over --- so now we're going to SeaWorld.-
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A guy in a pub sold me a rare, antique map of the Sahara Desert for only £20 last night....
This morning when I sobered up I realised that it was a sheet of sandpaper...-
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An 80-year-old Italian goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks. "How do you stay in such great physical condition?""I'm Italian and I am a golfer." Says the old guy. "And that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a glass of vino, and all is well.""Well." Says the doctor. "I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Father when he died?""Who said my Father's dead?"The doctor is even more amazed. "You mean you're 80 years old and your Father's still alive! How old is he?""He's 100 years old." Says the old Italian golfer. "In fact he golfed with me this morning and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had a little vino and that's why he's still alive. He's Italian and he's a golfer, too.""Well." The doctor says. "That's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Father's Father? How old was he when he died?""Who said my Nono's dead?"Stunned, the doctor asks. "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?"“He's 118 years old." Says the old Italian golfer.The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, "So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?""No, Nono couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today."At this point the doctor is close to losing it. "Getting married? Why would a 118 year- old guy want to get married?""Who said he wanted to?"-
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A Welshman washed up on a beach after a shipwreck.Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted island.
After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.
The sheepdog, ever-protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed-by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was Nicola Sturgeon, Leader of the Scottish Nationalists. That evening, the man brought Nicola to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the man started to get those feelings again. He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Nicola and told her he hadn't had sex for months.
Nicola batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him?
He said, 'Take the dog for a walk.'
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Today's Bad Joke - Chinese English.. So Bad but FunnyA refuse collector is driving along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his compactor.He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out, and in the spirit of kindness, and after having a quick look about for the bin,he gets out of his truck, goes to the front door and knocks. There's no answer.Being a kindly and conscientious bloke, he knocks again - much harder.Eventually a Chinese man comes to the door."Harro!" says the Chinese man."Hello sir! Where's ya bin?" asks the collector."I bin on toiret" explains the Chinese bloke, a bit perplexed.Realizing the fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries again."No! No! Mate, where's your dust bin?""I dust been to toiret, I toll you!" says the Chinese man, still perplexed."Listen," says the collector. "You're misunderstanding me. Where's your wheelie bin?""OK, OK" replies the Chinese man with a sheepish grin. He then whispers in the collector's ear."I wheelie bin having a Delete!"
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Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. Murphy had never been seen in church in his life.After Mass, the priest caught up with Murphy and said, “Murphy, I am so glad you decided to come to Mass, what made you come?”Murphy said, “I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat I know that McGlynn had a hat just like me hat, and I knew that McGlynn came to church every Sunday. I also knew that McGlynn had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church; so, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn’s hat.”The priest said, “Well, Murphy, I notice that you didn’t steal McGlynn’s hat. What changed your mind?”Murphy said, “Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn’t need to steal McGlynn’s hat.”The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; “After I talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal’ you decided you would rather do without your hat than Burn in Hell, right?”Murphy shook his head and said, ”No, Father, after you talked about ’Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery’ I remembered where I left me hat.”-
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1 hour ago, ThailandRyan said:Have they been smoking some illegal mind altering substance or do they have proof of the CIA's involvement. Good god conspiracy theorists are all over the place.
Yeah cos who could ever accuse the US of trying to interfere in other countries affairs, the very thought ????
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I thought it was a requirement to serve in this ''government''.
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RIP Mobdro long live the rest of them.
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Is there another country in the world where they'd rather you smoke tobacco than vape? OK Indonesia probably but anywhere else?
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Got himself some cheap secure parking there.
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3 hours ago, bermondburi said:The Americans have got nothing on the British when it comes to invading!
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Blimey, didn't we do well ????
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A rather ‘frustrated’ woman went to the supermarket to try to take her mind off her overly erotic thoughts.As she moved through the aisles she saw bananas and apples and so many things that made her recall rather than forget her erotic mood.She ended up buying far more than she needed.When she arrived at the checkout there was a young man packing bags.As he packed her bags his muscles gleamed under the fluorescent lights and she could make out the contours of his fit body under his tight T-shirt and trousers.She could hardly control herself.After she paid she asked the young man if he could help her to her car with her many heavy bags of groceries.The young man willingly obliged.As they walked through the car park the lady finally lost control. She placed her hand on the young man’s bum and said “I have an itchy pussy”.To which the young man replied “You’ll have to show me where it is ’cause all these Japanese cars look the same to me”.-
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Worst Joke Ever 2024
in Jokes - Puzzles and Riddles - Make My Day!
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